Ep. 69 Creating Healthier Relationships with John Kenny

[00:00:06] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess.

[00:00:09] [SPEAKER_02]: A community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth and connections

[00:00:14] [SPEAKER_02]: to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories.

[00:00:18] [SPEAKER_02]: During gaging, honest and insightful conversations, this show will help you embrace the mess

[00:00:23] [SPEAKER_02]: to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures

[00:00:27] [SPEAKER_02]: to help you start making a mindset shift.

[00:00:30] [SPEAKER_02]: Let's listen, learn and reclaim what we were meant to be.

[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_02]: Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess.

[00:00:38] [SPEAKER_02]: For this episode I'm welcoming John Kenny to the show.

[00:00:41] [SPEAKER_02]: John is an award-winning relationship coach to people who want to attract or create healthy

[00:00:46] [SPEAKER_02]: loving relationships.

[00:00:48] [SPEAKER_02]: He's an author, speaker, documentary and host of the Relationship Guy podcast.

[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_02]: He has been involved in the field of personal development for nearly 20 years and in that

[00:00:59] [SPEAKER_02]: time, he's not only helped thousands of clients but he's also completely changed his

[00:01:04] [SPEAKER_02]: own life.

[00:01:05] [SPEAKER_02]: John spent his life full of self-doubt carrying negative beliefs from his childhood

[00:01:09] [SPEAKER_02]: that impacted him in every area.

[00:01:12] [SPEAKER_02]: His relationships, his career and even as time is an international athlete.

[00:01:17] [SPEAKER_02]: He noticed that when he was seeing clients, their relationships passed and present had the

[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_02]: biggest impacts, whether positive or negative on their lives.

[00:01:26] [SPEAKER_02]: It has become his passion and life to help people find the healthiest, most fulfilling

[00:01:31] [SPEAKER_02]: relationships possible and understand the complexity of human behavior when it comes

[00:01:36] [SPEAKER_02]: to how we relate to one another.

[00:01:38] [SPEAKER_02]: His approach is a fusion of coaching, counseling, psychology and NLP and it's used to unlock

[00:01:44] [SPEAKER_02]: the things that stops people from achieving, keeps them stuck and unf fulfilled to finding

[00:01:49] [SPEAKER_02]: the love that they want and living the life that they choose.

[00:01:53] [SPEAKER_02]: So without further ado, let's dive right into today's conversation.

[00:01:58] [SPEAKER_02]: Hi John, welcome to the beauty in the mess.

[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm so glad to have you with me here today.

[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Hi Michelle, thanks for having me.

[00:02:04] [SPEAKER_01]: So that's your pleasure to be here.

[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_02]: Now, I know you're an award-winning relationship coach and the founder of Interpersonal Relationship

[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_02]: Coaching among other many other things but I was wondering if you could tell us what led you

[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_02]: down the path, feet on mine going back a little bit.

[00:02:20] [SPEAKER_02]: What led you down the path to become a relationship coach?

[00:02:24] [SPEAKER_01]: Do you want the long version of the kid dance?

[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_02]: What ever you felt comfortable sharing?

[00:02:30] [SPEAKER_01]: So I've always been in the service industry, so I've always been in some kind of helping

[00:02:36] [SPEAKER_01]: profession of some kind and I remember sort of back when I was 16, 17, I'd be sitting

[00:02:43] [SPEAKER_01]: in the school, six form block and people would come and talk to me and tell me their

[00:02:47] [SPEAKER_01]: problems all the time.

[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_01]: So it was probably something I was doing without even realizing sort of 30 years or so

[00:02:54] [SPEAKER_01]: ago.

[00:02:55] [SPEAKER_01]: But I actually went to Australia when I was about 27, 28 and I wanted to go back and

[00:03:01] [SPEAKER_01]: lived there.

[00:03:02] [SPEAKER_01]: So when I came back from Australia, I decided to Pat my job in and sell my flat

[00:03:06] [SPEAKER_01]: and apartment and decided to go to the university to train to be a teacher.

[00:03:11] [SPEAKER_01]: But when I went to the university, I actually hated teaching but I did a qualification

[00:03:17] [SPEAKER_01]: on the course, which was an introduction to counselling skills.

[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_01]: So I really enjoyed the study for that finding out about Freud and psychotherapy and

[00:03:25] [SPEAKER_01]: all manner of things.

[00:03:27] [SPEAKER_01]: When I decided not to be a teacher anymore, I didn't know what to do so I ended up joining

[00:03:31] [SPEAKER_01]: the fire brigade and becoming a firefighter because you could go to Australia as a firefighter

[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: at the time.

[00:03:37] [SPEAKER_01]: And then they took that off the list of occupations for Australia while I was training.

[00:03:42] [SPEAKER_01]: So I don't know what I do now.

[00:03:44] [SPEAKER_01]: But because that counselling had sparked an interest in me in psychology side of things

[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: I've decided to train as a therapist.

[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_01]: So while I was in the fire brigade at part time, into college and did four years to become

[00:03:55] [SPEAKER_01]: a therapist and started my own counselling practice when I qualified but I've still in

[00:04:02] [SPEAKER_01]: the fire service at the time.

[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_01]: And then I wasn't sure what to do as far as the practice wasn't really taken off as

[00:04:10] [SPEAKER_01]: far as being able to do it for the time.

[00:04:12] [SPEAKER_01]: And I got a job working for the NHS part time as a therapist but around about the

[00:04:16] [SPEAKER_01]: same time, I also met a coach and I had some coaching sessions with this lady and she basically

[00:04:23] [SPEAKER_01]: gave me a completely different approach to how I was looking at things.

[00:04:30] [SPEAKER_01]: So as a therapist, I was completely understukers.

[00:04:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I'd have therapy of my own and understood kind of where my stuff came from.

[00:04:38] [SPEAKER_01]: But I was still telling myself the same sort of story.

[00:04:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I didn't know it could change my story and coaching helped me to show that I could

[00:04:45] [SPEAKER_01]: actually sort of start an who page and begin again basically and not make all the same

[00:04:50] [SPEAKER_01]: mistakes I was making and have a better life.

[00:04:54] [SPEAKER_01]: So I was absolutely like a astounded by this revelation.

[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I can do something completely different in realising.

[00:05:02] [SPEAKER_01]: So then I decided to train as a coach back in sort of 2012, 2013, I did a book diploma

[00:05:07] [SPEAKER_01]: in coaching and then started my own coaching business in 2016 when completely self-employed

[00:05:13] [SPEAKER_01]: at that time left the far service left the NHS and just focused on the coaching.

[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_01]: Decided I wanted to really focus on relationships and initially was kind of working with

[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_01]: people that were already in sort of unhealthy sort of toxic abusive relationship spaces

[00:05:29] [SPEAKER_01]: with them to manage those a bit better, how to get out of those relationships if necessary.

[00:05:36] [SPEAKER_01]: And after that decided that maybe prevention was better than cure.

[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_01]: So then I started really focusing on trying to help people to not get into those types of

[00:05:45] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships in the first place.

[00:05:48] [SPEAKER_01]: And here we are, nearly eight years later and that's kind of what I'm doing now.

[00:05:52] [SPEAKER_02]: That's so pretty amazing journey actually.

[00:05:57] [SPEAKER_02]: How did you zero in on relationships as being the biggest impact for someone?

[00:06:03] [SPEAKER_01]: Firstly, that made the biggest difference for me.

[00:06:06] [SPEAKER_01]: So I've always had a history because I'm upbringing and I didn't have particularly healthy

[00:06:09] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships so I was growing up and then my first sort of intimate relationships I would

[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_01]: just say when I was younger were all pretty abusive.

[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_01]: I would say controlling manipulative and so my pattern forming the there that I would

[00:06:26] [SPEAKER_01]: been keep choosing relationships which were really unhealthy for me.

[00:06:30] [SPEAKER_01]: So my own experience of changing that relief so much stress so much difficulty, so much

[00:06:36] [SPEAKER_01]: pain in my own life that I knew it was something that I could help other people to do.

[00:06:40] [SPEAKER_01]: But also working as a therapist originally, I noticed that everybody came and there was some kind

[00:06:47] [SPEAKER_01]: of relational issue whether it was childhood relational stuff or relational stuff that

[00:06:52] [SPEAKER_01]: they were going through in that point at that time in their life which was causing all

[00:06:56] [SPEAKER_01]: manner of issues, anxiety, depression and so I thought you know what relationships are really

[00:07:02] [SPEAKER_01]: key to helping people to feel better.

[00:07:05] [SPEAKER_01]: So that's where I went focus in not only because I noticed that my own personal experience was

[00:07:12] [SPEAKER_01]: to say okay I know how to change this as well.

[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_01]: As a coach I've got the experience and the ability to be able to go okay for speaking from

[00:07:20] [SPEAKER_01]: personal experience not just my qualifications and everything else I've done.

[00:07:24] [SPEAKER_01]: I can relate to the issues that people go through and I could say it made such a significant

[00:07:28] [SPEAKER_01]: difference to my own life when I kind of got on top of all that stuff that it was my choice

[00:07:33] [SPEAKER_01]: to help people in that space because I find it so significant to fulfilling and happy lives that we

[00:07:40] [SPEAKER_02]: live. Absolutely, this might sound corny but do you think like the most important relationship we

[00:07:47] [SPEAKER_01]: have is the one we develop with ourselves? It's the most important year.

[00:07:52] [SPEAKER_02]: Right and I mean it's kind of dependent on the other relationships but yeah yeah definitely

[00:07:58] [SPEAKER_01]: you generally will hear how you relate to yourself is kind of how you attract relationships into your life.

[00:08:03] [SPEAKER_01]: So the coaching program that I run I called the six things you need to know to understand

[00:08:07] [SPEAKER_01]: to attract a healthy relationship but what I don't say is are actually seven things and the

[00:08:12] [SPEAKER_01]: little surprising at the end is if you don't get the seventh one right then the other six don't

[00:08:17] [SPEAKER_01]: really fall into place and the seventh one is how do you relate to yourself? And if you don't have

[00:08:22] [SPEAKER_01]: a healthy relationship if you don't have positive self belief if you carry certain ideas about

[00:08:28] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself the relationships that you have and all that kind of stuff then you're going to struggle

[00:08:33] [SPEAKER_01]: fulfilling and kind of happy relationship outside of that. So is that kind of what you go after

[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_02]: first to see what relationships they have and then try to fix that if fix as a good word?

[00:08:47] [SPEAKER_01]: No, not usually. Okay depending on people coming with, depending on what they want to get

[00:08:53] [SPEAKER_01]: from the sessions really so when I first speak to clients I asked them what do they have any

[00:08:58] [SPEAKER_01]: of idea what outcomes they're looking for. Generally they come to me because they've seen the fact

[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_01]: that I work with people to help them attract healthy relationships so that's their goal. So initially

[00:09:07] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll try and understand their patterns of relating first of all so what kind of relationships

[00:09:12] [SPEAKER_01]: of their experience in the past whether that's family, school, friends but intimate partners as

[00:09:20] [SPEAKER_01]: well because we can usually find some kind of pattern threads through that and then it's gradually

[00:09:26] [SPEAKER_01]: introducing the relationship stuff with yourself. So one of the questions I would generally ask

[00:09:32] [SPEAKER_01]: if I get time in the first session is how do you see yourself kind of opinion to have on yourself

[00:09:37] [SPEAKER_01]: what's yourself talk like and then I'll bring in that so it's about helping them to understand where

[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_01]: they come from and obviously now where they are based on that and the ideas they might have around

[00:09:50] [SPEAKER_01]: a variety of different things to do with relationships but what is their idea of themselves

[00:09:54] [SPEAKER_01]: that could be bringing relationships towards them but most people don't come because they want to

[00:10:02] [SPEAKER_01]: look at themselves, they want to look at everything else. Oh really? That's interesting.

[00:10:07] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah some people come in and say look I know I'm part of the problem here what are my doing

[00:10:12] [SPEAKER_01]: so some people have already had that realization that there's a common denominator. If I keep

[00:10:17] [SPEAKER_01]: having crappy relationships then the common denominator is me. Some people come and say I keep having

[00:10:23] [SPEAKER_01]: crappy relationships and I want to understand what other people are the kind of people I'm

[00:10:28] [SPEAKER_01]: attracted and why I'm attracting other people and then we'll get to the world case. So what is it

[00:10:33] [SPEAKER_01]: about you then? What was it again so I can tell the story I have in my book and everything else

[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_01]: is my relationship with myself dictated everything that was going on in my life where there was

[00:10:44] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships, my self sabotage in my career. I used to be an athlete around for a great Britain when

[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_01]: very young late teens early 20s and my relationship with me was part of the reason I never

[00:10:56] [SPEAKER_01]: that's fully successful in that as I could have been. So if we look at your life experiences

[00:11:02] [SPEAKER_01]: we can see there might be some self sabotaging behaviours going on, some lack of self belief,

[00:11:08] [SPEAKER_01]: some lack of confidence but generally all comes out and while we're talking anyway and if it

[00:11:13] [SPEAKER_01]: doesn't then I've been doing this for such a long time now that I can generally,

[00:11:19] [SPEAKER_01]: if we talk about what you experience growing up as far as your relationships are concerned we

[00:11:23] [SPEAKER_01]: can generally have a good idea about what someone might be carrying within themselves

[00:11:28] [SPEAKER_01]: based on kind of how they've had their relationships in the past. Right those early relationships with

[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_02]: your family kind of to me they kind of form your relationship with yourself. I mean that's been my

[00:11:43] [SPEAKER_01]: experience. Yeah yeah definitely your opinion of yourself is generally formed in your first sort of

[00:11:51] [SPEAKER_01]: seven or eight years and so there's relationships that you have even if you look at attachment styles

[00:11:56] [SPEAKER_01]: so your attachment style is generally in within the first couple of years of life. Attachment styles are

[00:12:03] [SPEAKER_01]: such so there's an insecure or secure attachment and it's the way that we learn to attach

[00:12:09] [SPEAKER_01]: two relationships from an early age and they're generally formed in the first couple years

[00:12:13] [SPEAKER_01]: of your life. So they're very early infant, young child experiences and then you're brainwars in a

[00:12:21] [SPEAKER_01]: certain way to help you to manage relationships that aren't protected maybe particularly good for you.

[00:12:26] [SPEAKER_01]: So the developing insecure or secure attachment style based on those. So yeah if the

[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_01]: formative kind of years of your life the early is your life very telling in generally kind of

[00:12:38] [SPEAKER_01]: the relationships that you'll have and then those relationships experiences can then get

[00:12:43] [SPEAKER_01]: compounded and as you get older and if you then start forming patterns then all relationships

[00:12:47] [SPEAKER_01]: have a tendency to have some kind of underlying theme to them and then we can figure that out we can

[00:12:52] [SPEAKER_01]: sort of see what's going on based on what's happened earlier in your life. So when at one end adult comes

[00:12:59] [SPEAKER_02]: to you for help are you looking at those early relationships first or do you dive in on

[00:13:04] [SPEAKER_02]: the whatever their current relationship issue is? Yeah so because people want to tell me

[00:13:09] [SPEAKER_01]: what's going on right now generally that's where we'll start. So we want to know what the

[00:13:13] [SPEAKER_01]: problem is they want to tell me what the problem is right now and what they'd like to get from

[00:13:16] [SPEAKER_01]: the code ship and that's where we'll start and then it will be okay so you've now told me

[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_01]: what the problems are tell me about your previous relationships so they might do some

[00:13:26] [SPEAKER_01]: relational kind of history sort of timeline on their relationships that they've had.

[00:13:31] [SPEAKER_01]: If it's something that I might think comes from school staffs there so we'll talk about school

[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_01]: what were your friendships like you're growing up and we'll look at the familiar relationships as well

[00:13:42] [SPEAKER_01]: what kind of connections you built with your parents and siblings and grown their adults and

[00:13:46] [SPEAKER_01]: of course if they're relevant because if they're relevant to them you people are mentioned them

[00:13:50] [SPEAKER_01]: but yeah you can generally then form some kind of big relationship picture for people and then

[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_01]: we can start to put things into practice which will help them to do things differently.

[00:14:03] [SPEAKER_02]: So how do you know when it's time to move on or when you can actually repair this relationship

[00:14:08] [SPEAKER_01]: or is that just so so many influencers it? Yeah that's not really why people come to see me

[00:14:15] [SPEAKER_01]: generally helping them to find that relationship that they want to go out and find okay and so we'll

[00:14:20] [SPEAKER_01]: put a place but because my relationship because my coaching I call it therapeutic coaching

[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_01]: there's a lot of crossover now between some types of coaching and therapy and because my

[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_01]: background is in therapy I do use therapy quite a lot in my coaching so some people just come

[00:14:38] [SPEAKER_01]: because they want to move forward and that's that so we can do that we don't really need to make

[00:14:42] [SPEAKER_01]: too many connections to the past or don't have to resolve things from the past because they've

[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_01]: done maybe that work already so they have an understanding of maybe that they've been in therapy

[00:14:53] [SPEAKER_01]: maybe or they've had a look at different things so they have a good relationship with themselves

[00:14:58] [SPEAKER_01]: as such as that or they've done a lot of work on putting the relationships from the past into

[00:15:03] [SPEAKER_01]: a healthier box for themselves whereas I say you stick it on a healthy shelf rather than sticking

[00:15:08] [SPEAKER_01]: a box and so therefore we just say okay that's we know what we're doing now we can move forward

[00:15:13] [SPEAKER_01]: so this is what we need to do to move forward whereas sometimes I need to be so I'm picking

[00:15:19] [SPEAKER_01]: of the past some repair work might need to be doing some kind of trauma maybe need to have

[00:15:23] [SPEAKER_01]: been needs to be worked through a move forward from stuff they might be holding on to which

[00:15:28] [SPEAKER_01]: need to let go of there repair work again with a relationship with themselves might need to

[00:15:34] [SPEAKER_01]: work so everybody comes in different spaces but mostly because they realise that there's a problem

[00:15:41] [SPEAKER_01]: that they need help with that they want to move on from but maybe some people have a necessarily

[00:15:47] [SPEAKER_01]: done the work that comes into the background which means it will keep dragging them back here

[00:15:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and if that works not complete so yeah it's really interesting what people come with and

[00:15:58] [SPEAKER_01]: what kind of space is there in and so everybody's a bit different in that so when someone's looking

[00:16:03] [SPEAKER_02]: to attract that perfectly positive relationship is it more about just managing your expectations

[00:16:11] [SPEAKER_02]: when you meet someone or is it literally attracting the right person to you?

[00:16:17] [SPEAKER_01]: So I put it all down to mind set relationship mindset so it's about setting out setting

[00:16:22] [SPEAKER_01]: you're putting yourself in the right space to attract the right type of person so if you think

[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_01]: of us maybe if I break it on a certain energy if I've got negative relationship beliefs

[00:16:32] [SPEAKER_01]: if I've got negative self belief if I've got some kind of resistance to allowing

[00:16:37] [SPEAKER_01]: something into my life what I'm worth what I deserve and things like that's the energy I'm

[00:16:41] [SPEAKER_01]: giving out all of the time when it comes to the space that I'm in and so therefore I have

[00:16:48] [SPEAKER_01]: a tendency to attract someone that's on the similar energy to that and if that's the case

[00:16:52] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to keep attracting the same types of people so it's about shifting out of that space

[00:16:57] [SPEAKER_01]: creating a new energy for yourself so a new mindset so expectation is one of the things

[00:17:02] [SPEAKER_01]: that we need to look at, if you've got negative expectations so we need to create some positive

[00:17:07] [SPEAKER_01]: expectations again so we switch on the parts of a brain that are going to look for the more

[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_01]: positive aspects of relationships rather than the subconscious parts which are going to seek

[00:17:18] [SPEAKER_01]: out the negatives so we always want to have some kind of list in our head of the kind of person

[00:17:24] [SPEAKER_01]: we want to be with so that we bring that forward this the rather than telling ourselves a

[00:17:32] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of person we don't want to be with because if we focus on what we don't want we have

[00:17:37] [SPEAKER_01]: a tendency to keep finding what we don't want because unfortunately that's just the way

[00:17:41] [SPEAKER_01]: our brain works and we ignore all the stuff that we're actually really looking for so I believe

[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_01]: that if people have unrealistic expectations it's generally for a reason that's blocking them

[00:17:52] [SPEAKER_01]: finding some ways it's generally because that is fulfilling their idea that that person doesn't

[00:17:56] [SPEAKER_01]: exist so we will have a look at addressing the expectations that they've got and some people have

[00:18:02] [SPEAKER_01]: perfectly reasonable expectations but they still don't believe that they can have that so they're

[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_01]: not fully buying into the idea that that person is out there for them or they're even allowed to

[00:18:11] [SPEAKER_01]: have that type of relationship so it's about overcoming those ideas that they might have and again

[00:18:18] [SPEAKER_01]: depends on expectations they've got I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago and the

[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_01]: guy was in there and there's now you can put your details of the kind of person you're looking

[00:18:27] [SPEAKER_01]: for into different algorithms on the internet and this woman was looking for someone it was over

[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_01]: six foot three and over 150,000 pounds a year it was a couple of other different things

[00:18:37] [SPEAKER_01]: very materialistic type surface type things and there was a no-point, no-o-4% but that person

[00:18:45] [SPEAKER_01]: actually existed so basically they're a very perfect man or the man and they were looking

[00:18:50] [SPEAKER_01]: but that doesn't really exist but when I look at it it's okay the fundamental kind of values

[00:18:55] [SPEAKER_01]: what do we have in common where all kind of life values do we hold where do we see ourselves

[00:18:58] [SPEAKER_01]: what if we want from life and generally if we can match a bit we can match up on that level then

[00:19:04] [SPEAKER_01]: we're going to find the right type of person for us obviously looks and physical attraction

[00:19:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and all those other things will come into it but there's also that kind of idea that that's not

[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_01]: the most important thing because you generally find people if you spend a lot of time someone

[00:19:21] [SPEAKER_01]: and you might not find them necessarily physically attractive and this happened to me many years

[00:19:25] [SPEAKER_01]: ago and I was at work there was a goal that I used to work with and I didn't find a attractive

[00:19:30] [SPEAKER_01]: at all when we first met but then we got very close these together for about six or seven months

[00:19:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and when she went to leave I was really upset and I was actually found that I got a strong

[00:19:38] [SPEAKER_01]: feeling for her and that had developed because she was just a beautiful person and that had

[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_01]: rubbed off of me and I've become very attracted to the type of person she was rather than to

[00:19:48] [SPEAKER_01]: what she looked like but obviously physical attraction if that's on your list then it's something

[00:19:52] [SPEAKER_01]: we need to kind of just bear in mind but wouldn't say it's the most important thing. Right so

[00:19:59] [SPEAKER_02]: if somebody has that negative mindset especially about themselves how do you really start shifting

[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_02]: that? I mean as I saw where you do hip na therapy and an LP is that where those come into play

[00:20:13] [SPEAKER_01]: is it simpler than that? So the NLP will be one of those things that we use. The hip na therapy

[00:20:19] [SPEAKER_01]: not so much so the hip na therapy I use with people now where if there's a thing and there's

[00:20:28] [SPEAKER_01]: an obvious thing and you're doing an obvious thing and we don't know why you're doing the

[00:20:31] [SPEAKER_01]: obvious thing and we tell the story and there's no real reason why we can see that you feel the

[00:20:37] [SPEAKER_01]: way that you do or act the way that you do or why things have affected you in a certain way.

[00:20:41] [SPEAKER_01]: So when I use something called hip na analysis so I take people back into I look at the sub

[00:20:46] [SPEAKER_01]: conscious so you're subconscious generally knows what's going on. Right so we go in sub conscious

[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_01]: and we search through the subconscious to try and help you to find what that trigger is if we can't

[00:20:58] [SPEAKER_01]: in the conscious mind make a connection and then we can bring that into the conscious mind

[00:21:04] [SPEAKER_01]: and then we can start working with it. I always did hit the very pre for a while but I found

[00:21:10] [SPEAKER_01]: longer term change was more permanent if you were consciously doing it yourself. So it's all

[00:21:16] [SPEAKER_01]: well and good me taking you into a subconscious state and putting ideas in your mind but I found

[00:21:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that I was getting a lot of people coming back and saying that didn't last for very long or I

[00:21:25] [SPEAKER_01]: felt like you did it, I didn't do it and so therefore I kind of shifted away from that a bit

[00:21:31] [SPEAKER_01]: right and my coach took a different turn as well so I went into the hip na therapy I did before

[00:21:36] [SPEAKER_01]: any two relations yet coaching that was kind of an add-on to do with smoking and it was well

[00:21:42] [SPEAKER_01]: I was trying to be like a jack of all trades type therapist rather than a focused kind of therapist

[00:21:47] [SPEAKER_01]: and then when I decided to focus on the coach you know what aspects of what I do already I can take

[00:21:52] [SPEAKER_01]: into that and the hip na analysis is coming really useful as far as uncovering me, if hidden

[00:21:59] [SPEAKER_01]: box and stuff is concerned but yeah so what I would do if someone was to

[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_01]: want to improve the relationship with themselves is just be really curious, be really self-aware

[00:22:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and self-awareness is really important is how do I talk to myself what am I believed about myself?

[00:22:18] [SPEAKER_01]: What triggers me in relationships, what am I looking for when I'm engaging in relationships

[00:22:25] [SPEAKER_01]: and so if we can understand the story behind it all we can then put things into practice which

[00:22:30] [SPEAKER_01]: will change the story so change how we see ourselves change what we feel about ourselves,

[00:22:36] [SPEAKER_01]: check and just self-talk, change those beliefs that we carry and then once we start to shift

[00:22:42] [SPEAKER_01]: away from those we can put in new ones as we move along and then kind of we've got a balance there

[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_01]: and much healthier balance and hopefully the more consistent we are in that space

[00:22:54] [SPEAKER_01]: then the more that those new beliefs and everything else takes shape in our minds and that becomes

[00:23:00] [SPEAKER_01]: an our default way to go it doesn't mean that the other stuff that we've already learned throughout

[00:23:05] [SPEAKER_01]: our life isn't going to come up every once in a while but it's that we've got ideas, management,

[00:23:12] [SPEAKER_01]: in place, tools, in place whatever, however, whatever you want to use in order to say okay now

[00:23:16] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to do that anymore. I don't do that anymore. I'm going to do this instead and we

[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_02]: can then make different and healthier choices. So I've heard a lot that I believe is just a

[00:23:27] [SPEAKER_02]: lot that you think over and over so is it just that repetition kind of just changing your thoughts

[00:23:33] [SPEAKER_01]: and then repeating the good stuff to yourself in a way? Yes, no. So yes, I believe is your truth.

[00:23:41] [SPEAKER_01]: So if your truth doesn't exist you have a tendency to act in a way which creates your truth

[00:23:46] [SPEAKER_01]: or you so if I'm in a healthy relationship that my truth is that relationships are unhealthy

[00:23:52] [SPEAKER_01]: and maybe one day I'm always going to be hurt. Then if that doesn't exist I have a tendency

[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_01]: then to create it for myself so even if the person I've decided to be with is great and they're

[00:24:04] [SPEAKER_01]: not going to hurt me I might then keep instigating problems so they might eventually walk away from

[00:24:09] [SPEAKER_01]: me and I say see they never really wanted to be with me in the first place but it's me that's created

[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_01]: the problem because that's my belief and that's my truth or I'll just keep choosing people that

[00:24:19] [SPEAKER_01]: will do exactly what I believe they're going to do and so therefore that concrete's my belief

[00:24:24] [SPEAKER_01]: even more. So it's about understanding what beliefs we're carrying so that we can then

[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: dispel the old beliefs so your brain needs some explanation as to why these things are wrong

[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_01]: and why we don't want to do them anymore. It's like if I had a problem with my car I wouldn't just

[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_01]: change loads of different bits on my car and hoping that that was going to solve the problem

[00:24:45] [SPEAKER_01]: by diagnosed the problem so that I could then fix them by bit and it's the same with us. If I

[00:24:52] [SPEAKER_01]: carry a certain belief I need to make my brain understand that I don't need to be doing that anymore

[00:24:58] [SPEAKER_01]: otherwise it says well I've been doing this for many years and I'm doing it to keep you safe

[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_01]: mostly I've got all these defense mechanisms in place to protect you. I've got these beliefs in here

[00:25:08] [SPEAKER_01]: because I don't want you to get hurt and so we have to convince the brain it's okay to let them go

[00:25:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and we give it a rational explanation as to why that's the case and generally after a

[00:25:17] [SPEAKER_01]: little while it starts to okay if you've given me good enough reasons now to let go of that

[00:25:23] [SPEAKER_01]: I'll consider it and then we can then start to say okay and that's not true because I'm

[00:25:29] [SPEAKER_01]: making start giving examples of why these negative self beliefs and relationship beliefs and

[00:25:34] [SPEAKER_01]: stuff are not true they're just stuff that I put there for myself and then we can start working

[00:25:40] [SPEAKER_01]: on the positives so there's a kind of a three-pronged attack. Some people are just okay it's some

[00:25:45] [SPEAKER_01]: people can just start saying you know what I'm really worthy and I really want this relationship

[00:25:49] [SPEAKER_01]: and everything's going to be okay and that works positive affirmations and positive self talk

[00:25:54] [SPEAKER_01]: and everything can just switch it around other people need to start something more neutral because

[00:25:59] [SPEAKER_01]: they're brain just resist anything positive that we don't necessarily believe and it'll just

[00:26:04] [SPEAKER_01]: throw it away so if I asked you to look in a mirror until yourself they'll wonder for you are

[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_01]: a beauty for your bar and our worthy you are and your brain has no concept of that it can just

[00:26:14] [SPEAKER_01]: immediately make you feeling incredibly uncomfortable massively maybe embarrassed or

[00:26:20] [SPEAKER_01]: whatever and it'll just throw it away because it's not going to hear you regardless of how many

[00:26:24] [SPEAKER_01]: times you say it which could then become an ultra damage in because if you've already got negative

[00:26:29] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself talking I'm telling you's a guy who might be positive about yourself and you can't do it

[00:26:32] [SPEAKER_01]: then you're a failure and you come back and feel terrible because you fail so it's really

[00:26:37] [SPEAKER_01]: it's just about figuring out what works for everybody and what's the best way for them to do it

[00:26:42] [SPEAKER_01]: but generally I think what worked for me was consistency in a positive message I needed to start

[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_01]: very neutral in the way I spoke to myself so that my brain was able to go all right then we can

[00:26:55] [SPEAKER_01]: kind of believe that you're okay rather than you're terrible and then it was building on that

[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_01]: but it was also that I had to dispel the negative as well so I had to say you believe this about

[00:27:06] [SPEAKER_01]: ourselves because ABC and D that's not true because what's true is this and so therefore I would tell

[00:27:14] [SPEAKER_01]: myself for complete story about why my old beliefs and everything else went wrong and why I

[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_01]: believed them in the first place and this is actually what the truth is and then I reiterate what I

[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_01]: wanted my new belief, my new truth to be until it became part of my day-to-day functioning.

[00:27:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Occasionally now I'll have a bad day and I'll go into that's all hate John for the day

[00:27:40] [SPEAKER_01]: usually lasts about an hour or so at most and I'll go you're doing that thing again stop doing

[00:27:46] [SPEAKER_01]: that thing and then I'll be okay because it doesn't drag me really like move to deep down into

[00:27:51] [SPEAKER_01]: a negative space because I'm just not in that space with myself anymore so it takes me a little

[00:27:58] [SPEAKER_01]: lot of maybe recognize I'm doing it but when I realize I'm doing it it's much easier for me now

[00:28:03] [SPEAKER_01]: just to go up the stop and I can. Yeah you probably recognize at a lot sooner than you did. Yeah

[00:28:09] [SPEAKER_01]: for sure if we would have been weak maybe some months before I recognized it in the past and

[00:28:15] [SPEAKER_01]: I've heard, oh yeah I just really had that a terrible few weeks and that's because of this

[00:28:19] [SPEAKER_02]: and I mean it doesn't just wasn't aware of it. Yeah I can see how that can happen for sure

[00:28:24] [SPEAKER_02]: so do you ever get anyone that comes to you because I don't know if it was the best relationship

[00:28:30] [SPEAKER_02]: maybe the worst but the other person has passed on and now they can't move on because they compare

[00:28:37] [SPEAKER_02]: everything to that person that's no longer there or maybe the person just left them and but

[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_01]: yeah so yeah there there is a occasional when that's the case but it's not for the wrong reasons

[00:28:52] [SPEAKER_01]: right they're right the other person maybe was their perfect person unfortunately they're not

[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_01]: with them anymore I guess if they left then they probably weren't their perfect person anyway

[00:29:01] [SPEAKER_01]: so we would have to look at generally we'd have a look at what the underlying problems were

[00:29:06] [SPEAKER_01]: in the relationship to start with and while they left so we can for one of about a phrase burst

[00:29:12] [SPEAKER_01]: the bubble a little bit about what they're holding on to. Right but it's again it's about what

[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_01]: do you want moving forward? It's not about what you had in the past is about changing that focus.

[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes that might have been amazing and unfortunately you know it's now lost that but what do you

[00:29:26] [SPEAKER_01]: want instead? What could you do to replace that? What would make you happy? Would anything make you happy?

[00:29:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I mean some people if they're that stuck in their last relationship nothing's ever going to be good enough

[00:29:35] [SPEAKER_01]: for them moving forwards but it's about recognizing are you going to miss out on anything

[00:29:41] [SPEAKER_01]: because some people think they need to get into another relationship and that might not necessarily be

[00:29:46] [SPEAKER_01]: the case. I guess it depends what you want from the rest of your life types faced but I know people

[00:29:52] [SPEAKER_01]: that are perfectly happy not being in a relationship and they've cultivated a very

[00:29:57] [SPEAKER_01]: happy and fulfilling life not being in any kind of intimate relationship at all but if it's

[00:30:03] [SPEAKER_01]: something that you want in your life to make you feel more fulfilled and happier because you

[00:30:08] [SPEAKER_01]: maybe feeling a bit lost a bit lonely and you can't find that within yourself or the other

[00:30:12] [SPEAKER_01]: ships that you've got and you do feel like there's a bit missing it's about think I

[00:30:17] [SPEAKER_01]: care what's that bit that I want filled and then looking for somebody that can feel that space

[00:30:22] [SPEAKER_01]: that you can't get anywhere else. Moving on from the past maybe again there's some grief

[00:30:28] [SPEAKER_01]: that needs to be processed first have you really let go of the past have you let go of that person

[00:30:33] [SPEAKER_01]: are you still grieving if you are obviously it's not the right be the right time for you to think

[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_02]: about moving on anyone. Right and you may have an excellent point because that not everybody needs

[00:30:43] [SPEAKER_02]: to have somebody and that because I know several people that are single and nice seem to thrive

[00:30:49] [SPEAKER_01]: something like think about yeah there is a lot of anecdotes to evidence that people that are

[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_01]: in longer term relationship live longer right but as long as you're happy in that space but yeah

[00:31:00] [SPEAKER_02]: for there are plenty of people that are happy in single. Is it both people live longer or have

[00:31:05] [SPEAKER_01]: always heard the mail lives longer? Well statistically on the research that I've read and heard

[00:31:10] [SPEAKER_01]: about is 12 years for men and 70 years for women okay but you live longer if you are in a long term

[00:31:18] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship be the married or with somebody. It's very interesting so I know you talked about

[00:31:25] [SPEAKER_02]: self-sabotage so how does that play into all of this how does a person I guess it's with your help

[00:31:32] [SPEAKER_02]: but they realize that they're creating self-sabotage how do you stop them from doing that?

[00:31:38] [SPEAKER_02]: There's a similar method just to do that. Yeah it's a similar it's what are you gaining from

[00:31:45] [SPEAKER_01]: self-sabotaging what need does it make? What ideas is it fulfilling you know? Do most people

[00:31:52] [SPEAKER_02]: need your help to realize that they're even doing that or do they are they aware that they're

[00:31:56] [SPEAKER_01]: doing it they just don't know how to stop. Sometimes people are aware again that's the reason

[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_01]: they've come I mean I had a spate of a few people coming we've been positive in drawing not just

[00:32:05] [SPEAKER_01]: within their relationships basis but they were just carrying that in general and they were struggle

[00:32:09] [SPEAKER_01]: at work to feel worthy and enough and so they would feel like a fraud or a fake especially

[00:32:16] [SPEAKER_01]: with some types of relationship where you feel like you need to put your best foot forward

[00:32:20] [SPEAKER_01]: that you become someone different in a relationship that you're only allowing them to see

[00:32:25] [SPEAKER_01]: what you believe are your best bits because you don't think the rest of you's going to be

[00:32:30] [SPEAKER_01]: acceptable to them and so you enter that space only showing the parts of them that you believe

[00:32:36] [SPEAKER_01]: they're going to like obviously that leads to now in the problems down the road because

[00:32:41] [SPEAKER_01]: it could be again subconsciously you're doing that on purpose so that when you show

[00:32:45] [SPEAKER_01]: your real self this person go hello who's this that's not the person I've known for the last

[00:32:50] [SPEAKER_01]: six to seven months or whatever it is I'm not sure I want to be in this relationship with this person

[00:32:54] [SPEAKER_01]: and so the real you then gets rejected and so that might be your pattern of relating to people

[00:33:02] [SPEAKER_01]: that you go in not showing this side of yourself and then you show a certain side of yourself

[00:33:07] [SPEAKER_01]: it could be quite different to the person that you kind of put forward to start with and then

[00:33:11] [SPEAKER_01]: the person goes well this isn't the person I met and then they don't want to be with you anymore

[00:33:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and so your real self is rejected and that could be how you see yourself that's how you see

[00:33:18] [SPEAKER_01]: relationships oh nobody could ever love me I'm a lover born nobody really accepts why I am

[00:33:22] [SPEAKER_01]: all that kind of stuff so one of the things I make sure people try and do the best thing

[00:33:28] [SPEAKER_01]: they're clean-due is to go in and be themselves right from start and then they know at least

[00:33:34] [SPEAKER_01]: the person that they've wants to be with them because they'll be in themselves but it's about

[00:33:38] [SPEAKER_01]: accepting that that's enough for you in the first place and people do self sabotage in that space

[00:33:43] [SPEAKER_01]: if they have a pattern of not believing in themselves not believing what in they deserve

[00:33:50] [SPEAKER_01]: and having stuff that they it goes against what they believe Sarah about what's real

[00:33:55] [SPEAKER_01]: like a self sabotaging to create an outcome that you think is going to happen

[00:33:59] [SPEAKER_01]: or mannerary reasons why we can self sabotage and it's just understanding what that gets you

[00:34:05] [SPEAKER_01]: so I used to go into relationships always looking for an out straight away oh wow

[00:34:10] [SPEAKER_01]: sorry sabotaging the relationship from the start because I wasn't committed to it

[00:34:14] [SPEAKER_01]: because I was always looking for a reason okay if this starts to become a bit too difficult

[00:34:19] [SPEAKER_01]: or I start to like this person too much or there are problems I've always got this thing here

[00:34:23] [SPEAKER_01]: that I can say okay I don't like that and I can leave and I would try and pick up on that but then

[00:34:28] [SPEAKER_01]: I was always looking for relationships that gave me an out rather than reasons to stay so

[00:34:33] [SPEAKER_01]: I would completely self sabotage that space so that I could get my out at the end of it

[00:34:38] [SPEAKER_01]: because I didn't know how to be deeply committed of connected to people

[00:34:43] [SPEAKER_01]: so I could have a self sabotaging in that way so there are many reasons why we self sabotage

[00:34:48] [SPEAKER_01]: ways we can do it so yeah a lot of people don't know they're doing it but some people come and

[00:34:53] [SPEAKER_01]: say look I'm a complete self sabotage and please help me. It's my one of the stuff.

[00:34:58] [SPEAKER_02]: Wow yeah you gave a whole new choice to the imposter syndrome for me because I always think of it

[00:35:03] [SPEAKER_02]: as the person is fully capable and worthy but they feel like they're not worthy or they feel like

[00:35:09] [SPEAKER_02]: they're not truly capable but the way you described it were they're just putting a facet of them

[00:35:15] [SPEAKER_02]: stuff forward and not the whole self you know I mean I never thought of it that way so it's very interesting

[00:35:21] [SPEAKER_01]: so thank you yeah yeah yeah easy comes like there's lots of different comes in also lots

[00:35:27] [SPEAKER_02]: of different forms yeah that's amazing quite can people do if they want to have a more positive

[00:35:33] [SPEAKER_01]: life oh loads of things so for a positive thing okay that's good. If they want a more positive

[00:35:41] [SPEAKER_01]: relationship I would suggest that they look at what's stopping them from having that what's missing

[00:35:48] [SPEAKER_01]: in their lives so one of the things that we have a tendency to do if we come from maybe not such a

[00:35:54] [SPEAKER_01]: healthy space growing up is we settle because safer instance I was growing up and I had 20

[00:36:02] [SPEAKER_01]: percent of my needs met as a human being so my love affection and everything else safety security

[00:36:09] [SPEAKER_01]: encouragement support and all that and all the stuff that I really needed to fill

[00:36:14] [SPEAKER_01]: worthy as a human being in a relationship or sort of denotes the quality of the relationship say I had

[00:36:19] [SPEAKER_01]: 20 percent of those needs met so then I got 40 percent so to me that feels amazing because it's

[00:36:27] [SPEAKER_01]: done by anything I've ever had but I've still got 60 percent of what I could have missing

[00:36:32] [SPEAKER_01]: from a relationship so I'll settle for 40 percent because at the time when I first started getting my

[00:36:38] [SPEAKER_01]: 40 percent it feels like it's enough in fact it feels like it's amazing but really because it's

[00:36:43] [SPEAKER_01]: 100 percent more than ever experienced but actually LMS time goes on I realise there's still

[00:36:48] [SPEAKER_01]: quite a lot of stuff missing so are you set have you settled for somebody because they met a

[00:36:54] [SPEAKER_01]: certain need in you at the time and do you now need to reevaluate that space and what needs are

[00:37:01] [SPEAKER_01]: in your life that are not being met and how many of those things are relationship based

[00:37:05] [SPEAKER_01]: now things are you based so what could you be doing to make your life more fulfilling are you doing

[00:37:11] [SPEAKER_01]: enough of your own stuff like you're doing enough of the stuff that you like have you got in

[00:37:15] [SPEAKER_01]: a friend and a social life if you have enough contact with your family or is it that the relationship

[00:37:21] [SPEAKER_01]: that you're in is restricting you, restrain you they're not doing things that you need them to

[00:37:26] [SPEAKER_01]: do to make you feel valued and respected and loved and cared about and fulfilled and safe and

[00:37:32] [SPEAKER_01]: everything else so working on those spaces to understand what the real problems are what's missing

[00:37:37] [SPEAKER_01]: is it something to do with the relationship or is it something that I'm not doing with in myself

[00:37:42] [SPEAKER_01]: again is it me and my holding myself back how do I see myself and what's my relationship like

[00:37:47] [SPEAKER_01]: myself and my very critical self critical there could be so many things that we are doing

[00:37:52] [SPEAKER_01]: that we can flip on its head and to make sure that we're feeling much more at peace and happier

[00:37:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and fulfilled in our day-to-day lives what's my purpose as I ever got a purpose I've had quite a

[00:38:05] [SPEAKER_01]: lot of people coming from lockdown after the lockdown especially women that have put all of their

[00:38:11] [SPEAKER_01]: life on hold for their kids and stuff like that for their relationships and kind of

[00:38:17] [SPEAKER_01]: added contemplation during lockdown and they realized especially there was nothing for them because

[00:38:23] [SPEAKER_01]: their kids have got older and the kids have now left and then they're like okay there's nothing

[00:38:27] [SPEAKER_01]: for me in this relationship anymore and I'm not actually doing anything for myself I've

[00:38:31] [SPEAKER_01]: focused so much on building a life around my partner and much yield and the stuff that I

[00:38:35] [SPEAKER_01]: don't really know who I am and so therefore I feel completely unsulfilled so we have to work on

[00:38:40] [SPEAKER_01]: writing another life for them outside of that space it's due to their inner relationship or

[00:38:47] [SPEAKER_01]: their external relationship or do both probably okay so the end of thing is actually they've let

[00:38:54] [SPEAKER_01]: themselves go as in they've lost sight of who they are they're not doing anything for them so

[00:38:59] [SPEAKER_01]: they're main purpose has been to look after everybody else which has made them feel very purpose

[00:39:03] [SPEAKER_01]: for them that's not something that's anything wrong with that but once that's not there anymore

[00:39:08] [SPEAKER_01]: it can feel like a huge black hole when you then need to find a new purpose but if you can keep

[00:39:13] [SPEAKER_01]: sight of yourself throughout your life and still keep something going for you that when the other

[00:39:18] [SPEAKER_01]: things do maybe go by the wayside you still got at least something for you that's left

[00:39:24] [SPEAKER_01]: and then you can start to build on that and if your purpose safe for instance has been

[00:39:29] [SPEAKER_01]: raising a family for the last 20 odd years or so what's saying gonna make you feel purpose for

[00:39:35] [SPEAKER_01]: because purpose is it's a word that's thrown around quite really nearly I think nowadays but

[00:39:40] [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's also quite important but we have some idea of who we are and where we're going

[00:39:46] [SPEAKER_01]: so that we can feel like we're living our life and someone that sits at the day they say

[00:39:51] [SPEAKER_01]: what's the purpose of what I put a joke on Facebook and it was someone said to God what is

[00:39:58] [SPEAKER_01]: the purpose of this is there a purpose there's miserable life that I'm leading and all of these

[00:40:04] [SPEAKER_01]: angels came down from heaven they were trumpets and stuff and you're expecting this message

[00:40:09] [SPEAKER_01]: to come down and give you the meaning of life and it just said no there's no reason for it so it's

[00:40:21] [SPEAKER_01]: for my purpose I don't know why we hear it type stuff it's just to live the best life you can

[00:40:27] [SPEAKER_01]: make the most of it because if there's nothing else then just enjoy as much as possible and make

[00:40:32] [SPEAKER_01]: the most of it as much as you can because you just don't know what's on the other side and you

[00:40:37] [SPEAKER_01]: don't know what's coming next so but if you've got nothing in it and you're holding on to nothing

[00:40:42] [SPEAKER_01]: it can feel very empty and unfulfilling so yeah I think purpose is importantly it's to feel purpose

[00:40:49] [SPEAKER_01]: even if you don't kind of necessarily have a life's purpose it's just to feel relevant to yourself

[00:40:55] [SPEAKER_01]: to know that you're relevant even if there's I was listening to a psychiatrist talking the

[00:40:59] [SPEAKER_01]: other day and he said no one's going to remember me for 50 years at all he says I want to do today

[00:41:04] [SPEAKER_01]: is what's important so I go out today doing the best that I've compulsively do as far as helping

[00:41:10] [SPEAKER_01]: people is concerned it's part of the spread in the messages that I want is concerned and I'll go

[00:41:18] [SPEAKER_01]: one as make as much difference in my life today I don't, doesn't matter whether I people remember

[00:41:25] [SPEAKER_01]: me at 50 years and they probably won't what matters is what I do today and I've that's kind

[00:41:30] [SPEAKER_01]: of my philosophy as well as I can make that's much of an impact into my own life doing what I want to

[00:41:36] [SPEAKER_01]: do and helping as many people as I can and having as many positive interactions as I can

[00:41:42] [SPEAKER_01]: but on the way then I think that'll make me happy and I think society causes a lot of that

[00:41:50] [SPEAKER_02]: issue because we're all led to believe like we have this huge purpose that we're destined to

[00:41:56] [SPEAKER_02]: do and so then everybody's trying to figure out what they're destined to do what am I supposed to

[00:42:01] [SPEAKER_02]: do instead of just finding meaning in the things that they do or could do exactly. I know I've

[00:42:06] [SPEAKER_02]: done that pattern for myself what's my purpose but I think it changes maybe it is your kids and

[00:42:13] [SPEAKER_02]: you're husband for so many years and then it becomes something else. Yeah yeah all right when I first

[00:42:18] [SPEAKER_01]: got into the coaching game I was so the high ticket that for your coach now you can sell your

[00:42:23] [SPEAKER_01]: coaching for thousands of pounds and I thought well no one's going to want to buy my coach

[00:42:28] [SPEAKER_01]: in the thousands of pounds because they have no idea who I am and I've got a book, a documentary I've

[00:42:32] [SPEAKER_01]: been doing this for years I've got awards and stuff like that and still people don't want to

[00:42:36] [SPEAKER_01]: pay me that to the pounds. Some people will pay me a fair bit of money to do this but again I thought

[00:42:43] [SPEAKER_01]: what am I doing that for because that's not what I'm doing this for in the first place so I

[00:42:47] [SPEAKER_01]: lost sight of what I wanted and I was people I couldn't help people because I was trying to

[00:42:53] [SPEAKER_01]: charge him too much money and I was thinking that's not who I am but I got carried away on the

[00:43:02] [SPEAKER_01]: sex seven figures right and I realized actually that doesn't make me a success what makes

[00:43:07] [SPEAKER_01]: me a success is just being who I want to be and helping the people that I want to help

[00:43:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and not necessarily just chasing the pound or the dollar to to make myself feel significant

[00:43:19] [SPEAKER_01]: and validated and that's work I've had to do in the last eight years or so since I started my

[00:43:24] [SPEAKER_01]: coached your business is just tired of getting my head in the right space about what does what

[00:43:28] [SPEAKER_01]: makes me happy and placing money and everything else doesn't make me happy it's not part of my

[00:43:34] [SPEAKER_01]: make-up I'm sure it is for some people I realize I was quite in a lot of energy into something

[00:43:39] [SPEAKER_01]: that I didn't really mind to so I was being very incongruent in that space and it was not purposeful

[00:43:48] [SPEAKER_01]: it was I was trying to do something for the sake of doing something which didn't fit my personality

[00:43:53] [SPEAKER_01]: or who I am in heaven years of person so society I think pushed me in that direction because

[00:44:00] [SPEAKER_01]: I felt that being a success meant this would actually be an a success doesn't mean that at all it's

[00:44:04] [SPEAKER_02]: how happy I am in myself from what I'm doing yeah I think that is another big first that we're

[00:44:10] [SPEAKER_01]: sold as a society. So especially in coaching because when you go into coaching people

[00:44:16] [SPEAKER_01]: the guy that was talking to just a couple of months ago and he said come on to my high ticket program

[00:44:20] [SPEAKER_01]: he said I can you don't charge enough for your coaching I can get you to charge four or five times

[00:44:25] [SPEAKER_01]: much as that and I went no thanks to the morning and he was like oh why not I said because that's

[00:44:30] [SPEAKER_01]: not what I do this for yes I also I am one of our own a decent living now and I do have an idea about

[00:44:35] [SPEAKER_01]: the kind of money I want to earn a need to earn a year right it's not my driver it's not I'm not

[00:44:41] [SPEAKER_01]: going to pursue that the costal or the expensive everything else right and the amount of like

[00:44:49] [SPEAKER_02]: we're saying they amount of impact you can have by keeping reasonable rates you can impact so many

[00:44:54] [SPEAKER_01]: more people yeah yeah I like my podcast when I first started my podcast everyone was telling me

[00:45:00] [SPEAKER_01]: to monetize it you need to monetize your podcast you need to do this you need to do that and

[00:45:05] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to I want to do my podcast because I want to spread what I want to spread my message

[00:45:11] [SPEAKER_01]: and I want to view great people I don't want to monetize it but you could do this and you

[00:45:19] [SPEAKER_01]: didn't want to do this and you could get people to understand why I didn't want to make some money

[00:45:25] [SPEAKER_01]: out of it and it's not that I don't want to it's just not my priority all right not the reason

[00:45:29] [SPEAKER_01]: I do it I don't know the reason I do it is to have some really great conversations and to explore

[00:45:33] [SPEAKER_02]: different topics in relationships and that's what I do absolutely that's probably where I'm at right

[00:45:39] [SPEAKER_02]: now too so it's just trying to help anybody who I can and help myself along the way yeah

[00:45:45] [SPEAKER_01]: well if someone comes and said I'll sponsor your podcast and here's listen man and money I'm not

[00:45:49] [SPEAKER_02]: going to say no exactly same here all right but I'm not going to worry myself over the fact that

[00:45:56] [SPEAKER_01]: I want to even try really go out there and try and make some money out of it same here I haven't

[00:46:00] [SPEAKER_02]: made any effort either because I guess because I'm content doing what I'm doing you're all

[00:46:06] [SPEAKER_01]: awesome so you just if you're happy in that space then why change it and if you could really enjoy

[00:46:12] [SPEAKER_01]: in someone pay you for it then great I would do that but I'm not going to bust a gut trying to make

[00:46:17] [SPEAKER_02]: that happen I understand completely so I want to give you a little time to tell us about your book

[00:46:23] [SPEAKER_01]: and to tell us about your coaching business okay don't so my books called the People Program

[00:46:30] [SPEAKER_01]: I wrote that god knows how many years ago now so the first half is about me kind of really mostly

[00:46:37] [SPEAKER_01]: it's how I learnt to be me really and the things I did speaking of self sabotage that led me into

[00:46:44] [SPEAKER_01]: a massively self sabotage in life and the people program is to help is coaching the second

[00:46:52] [SPEAKER_01]: half of the book is a six part coaching program and it helps you work through the things that you

[00:46:59] [SPEAKER_01]: need to look at within yourself which will help you to stop it's overcoming your blocks to success

[00:47:04] [SPEAKER_01]: as the tagline for the book so it's the things that might be stopping you from being a success

[00:47:08] [SPEAKER_01]: that you want in your own life and so you can relate to the first half of the book when you read

[00:47:14] [SPEAKER_01]: the second half of the book the program because it's plenty of examples in the first half

[00:47:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and I also give case studies and stuff in the program as well as to the examples that people

[00:47:23] [SPEAKER_01]: can hopefully resonate with and put things into practice which have been helped to change

[00:47:28] [SPEAKER_01]: my documentary is called I forget not the charge left behind and that's about the thing

[00:47:37] [SPEAKER_01]: the parts of ourselves that we suppress when they're children because we don't think or believe that

[00:47:41] [SPEAKER_01]: they fit into the environment and so there are parts of our personality that people might

[00:47:47] [SPEAKER_01]: judge chest eyes put down not accept then we learn not to accept those parts because that part

[00:47:53] [SPEAKER_01]: feels restricted and so we hide that part of ourselves away and then as adults we really struggle

[00:47:59] [SPEAKER_01]: them to be whole because there are parts of us that we don't accept and that will keep maybe

[00:48:06] [SPEAKER_01]: putting on the facade and only putting parts of ourselves forward which were validated and accepted

[00:48:10] [SPEAKER_01]: in the past whereas we could look at the other parts of ourselves and go okay now that was restricted

[00:48:16] [SPEAKER_01]: because of other people and not me so I'm going to maybe allow myself give myself permission

[00:48:23] [SPEAKER_01]: to that person come to the front a little bit more and become more accepts to know

[00:48:29] [SPEAKER_01]: myself as a whole person and that's the documentary. The coaching is as I mentioned right at the

[00:48:39] [SPEAKER_01]: beginning I think is about helping people to attract or create healthy loving or intimate relationships

[00:48:46] [SPEAKER_01]: so it's understanding why mostly we've never been able to kind of attract the right type of person before

[00:48:52] [SPEAKER_01]: or why we find in ourselves in the relationship where we're in right now which is making us unhappy

[00:48:57] [SPEAKER_01]: or unfulfilled and putting things into practice which can help us decide whether that relationship

[00:49:03] [SPEAKER_01]: is right for us can that be changed or whether we need to do something differently outside of that

[00:49:08] [SPEAKER_02]: to bring some into our lives that we want. So do you help people with not just like the

[00:49:13] [SPEAKER_02]: significant other relationship but also with friendships like trying to develop good friendships?

[00:49:20] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah people don't generally come to me with that's that's part of the process okay so if that's part

[00:49:25] [SPEAKER_01]: of the problem or work on that as well is if there's family stuff that needs to be resolved

[00:49:31] [SPEAKER_01]: or work on it as well again because like I said it's therapeutic coaching we can have a warm

[00:49:35] [SPEAKER_01]: manner of difficult or troubling relationships or broken relationships or riffs in relationships

[00:49:43] [SPEAKER_01]: and how you're going to manage that within yourself because it doesn't really matter a lot of the

[00:49:48] [SPEAKER_01]: time with some really difficult relationships how you try to approach and they're always going to be the

[00:49:53] [SPEAKER_01]: same because it's not about you it's about them and you can't change anybody else there's actually

[00:49:58] [SPEAKER_01]: a chapter in my book I think it's called Train Someone Else good luck with that. Because it's

[00:50:05] [SPEAKER_01]: almost impossible but it's not something you've got any control over. Right I always look at how

[00:50:12] [SPEAKER_02]: hard it is to change yourself and then we all struggle with that. Yeah so what makes us think

[00:50:18] [SPEAKER_01]: we're going to change somebody else. Unfortunately most people that I speak to have a tendency

[00:50:23] [SPEAKER_01]: to think is about everybody else so therefore they'll try and change and a lot of people that come

[00:50:29] [SPEAKER_01]: for coaching have done that they try to change the other person and they're exacerbating with

[00:50:34] [SPEAKER_01]: and we've given up on that but they'll still sound people will still come to me say okay I've

[00:50:38] [SPEAKER_01]: got this problem how can I make them do this? How can I make them love me like that? How can I

[00:50:43] [SPEAKER_01]: make them treat me this way and I'm saying you can't. The only thing you can do is change within

[00:50:48] [SPEAKER_01]: yourself and change what you do and then see what impact the has on them. Some people will completely

[00:50:53] [SPEAKER_01]: ignore that some people couldn't stand it and some people will go oh this is different and

[00:50:57] [SPEAKER_01]: come along for the ride but it's not for you to tell them how they should be because they don't

[00:51:04] [SPEAKER_01]: want necessarily and not going to bind to that. Right so yes it is about your mindset it's about

[00:51:13] [SPEAKER_01]: what you do and you can subtly change people without them even realizing and I'm not saying

[00:51:18] [SPEAKER_01]: that in a manipulative point of view. I'm just saying if I behave differently they're going to notice

[00:51:24] [SPEAKER_01]: in some way shape or form and they're going to respond to that in the way that suits them

[00:51:27] [SPEAKER_01]: or whatever they're comfortable with and if you change within yourself and do something

[00:51:32] [SPEAKER_01]: differently you might find they'll just go okay I know come along and say okay I can do this too

[00:51:37] [SPEAKER_01]: or I'm and they're not even aware of the fact they're doing it and so that can be quite a useful

[00:51:41] [SPEAKER_01]: little tool if you just change the dynamics of the relationship the dynamics of relationships will

[00:51:46] [SPEAKER_01]: change regardless because if you've changed some it's got a change. If someone is that because they

[00:51:53] [SPEAKER_01]: don't know they might feel more comfortable if you decide to do something else and then they'll

[00:51:56] [SPEAKER_01]: go all this feels better and I'll come along and I'll do that as well and other people won't

[00:52:00] [SPEAKER_01]: know just go well this is uncomfortable you're being different and I don't really want to do it

[00:52:05] [SPEAKER_01]: obviously then I would always suggest that we communicate in the first place but then that's when

[00:52:08] [SPEAKER_01]: you communicate how you're changing and what you want and what needs to be different in a relationship

[00:52:12] [SPEAKER_01]: and then I can see that and then they might come along again they might be willing to do that

[00:52:18] [SPEAKER_01]: and other people will just go no not doing that at all don't even want to know it's a problem

[00:52:22] [SPEAKER_01]: and don't know what you're talking about well again I manipulate you or Colosseum to go back to

[00:52:27] [SPEAKER_01]: the way things work because that's where they were most comfortable when they don't like

[00:52:30] [SPEAKER_01]: change and and won't change and one word I throw out of my sessions completely apart from

[00:52:37] [SPEAKER_01]: should which also should but it never feels good to should is the word can't

[00:52:44] [SPEAKER_01]: because most that 19 there's things you can't do I used to be a sprinter and I could never run

[00:52:49] [SPEAKER_01]: you same boat type times regardless of myself sabotage I was never going to run 9.5

[00:52:56] [SPEAKER_01]: never going to happen so I couldn't do that something I can't do but if it's about me and my

[00:53:03] [SPEAKER_01]: personality and everything if I don't change it's because I won't change it's not because I can't

[00:53:08] [SPEAKER_01]: change it so if someone says I can't change this what they're actually saying is I won't change

[00:53:14] [SPEAKER_01]: because it's soon to stay the same so if someone says to me I can't do that see what you can

[00:53:19] [SPEAKER_01]: it's just whether you're way along whether you won't that's your choice and this is how we can do that

[00:53:25] [SPEAKER_01]: right there is a phrase if I say I can or say I can't you're right exactly very true

[00:53:34] [SPEAKER_02]: so is there anything that we didn't cover today that you want to make sure that we touch on

[00:53:40] [SPEAKER_01]: pretty think we pretty much run the game I think we've covered a quite a bit yeah I think we've

[00:53:49] [SPEAKER_01]: to that but now I don't think that's very big there is stuff that's on my head

[00:53:54] [SPEAKER_02]: it is always like to ask because yeah you may have something that I didn't think of so

[00:54:00] [SPEAKER_02]: how can people find you I should ask that if they're listening and I really want to get in touch

[00:54:04] [SPEAKER_02]: with you or follow along or find your book what do they do? The website www.jongkinicoaching.com

[00:54:13] [SPEAKER_01]: there's resources there's some free books you can get hold of my book you can listen to the podcast

[00:54:18] [SPEAKER_01]: you can do a manner of it if you just want to drop us. Where's your documentary yet?

[00:54:22] [SPEAKER_01]: It's on the resources page on my website. Oh okay it's awesome. You have to buy unfortunately

[00:54:29] [SPEAKER_01]: but it's only 199 and it's yours to keep forever and the money that you pay for that goes

[00:54:34] [SPEAKER_01]: to support so I'm also a director of a non-profit organization in the UK that provides low cost

[00:54:41] [SPEAKER_01]: therapy for people so all the profits from the documentary and the book go to fund

[00:54:46] [SPEAKER_01]: low cost therapy for people so that's wonderful yeah we'll be helping

[00:54:51] [SPEAKER_01]: provide service for that if you decide to get the book or the or the documentary

[00:54:58] [SPEAKER_02]: that's wonderful but I thank you for being with us today and I appreciate all your wisdom and

[00:55:04] [SPEAKER_02]: experience and you sharing it with us. You're very welcome and that's been absolutely pleasure

[00:55:08] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm your own absolutely good. As we wrap up today's episode I hope John sharing his knowledge

[00:55:16] [SPEAKER_02]: experience and wisdom has helped you in some way. I thought it was interesting how John

[00:55:20] [SPEAKER_02]: related the significance of the relationships and our lives and how good relationships

[00:55:25] [SPEAKER_02]: can improve our overall well being. As a matter of fact, he pointed out how women and men both

[00:55:31] [SPEAKER_02]: live longer they'll men seem to get the bigger benefit and then the opposite of course is true as

[00:55:37] [SPEAKER_02]: all that unhealthy relationships impact us greatly in a negative way which makes you wonder if

[00:55:43] [SPEAKER_02]: there's been any studies showing that your lifespan is actually shorter if you live in a long term

[00:55:49] [SPEAKER_02]: and healthy relationship. One thing that stood out to me is how John mentioned that the most

[00:55:55] [SPEAKER_02]: important relationship we have is the one with ourselves of course and one of the big keys to

[00:56:00] [SPEAKER_02]: having great relationships in your life is changing your mindset and your overall energy to attract

[00:56:06] [SPEAKER_02]: the people that you want. So what stood out to you? I'd love to hear from you as always I hope this

[00:56:12] [SPEAKER_02]: episode helps at least one person and with that I hope you have a blessed week my friend.

[00:56:22] [SPEAKER_02]: Thank you for listening to the beauty in the mess. If you enjoyed what you heard please share it

[00:56:26] [SPEAKER_02]: with a friend and if you haven't already please subscribe, rate and review this podcast on your favorite

[00:56:31] [SPEAKER_02]: pod player. If you have any questions or comments any topic ideas you'd like to hear about

[00:56:37] [SPEAKER_02]: or you think you would be a great guest on the show you can reach me directly at the beauty

[00:56:41] [SPEAKER_02]: in the mess.com. Thanks for listening.