Ep. 81 From Writing Enthusiast to Influential Blogger and Podcaster with Melissa Vera

[00:00:06] I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess, a community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth, and connection to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories. Through engaging, honest, and insightful conversations, the show will help you embrace the mess to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures to help you start making a mindset shift. Let's listen, learn, and reclaim who we were meant to be.

[00:00:35] Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess. Today I'm welcoming Melissa Vera to the show. In this episode, Melissa shares her incredible journey starting from a love of writing during her childhood to becoming an English and communications major in college and then eventually evolving into a multifaceted entrepreneur, mom, blogger, podcaster, you name it.

[00:00:57] She recounts significant life milestones, including volunteering at her daughter's school, starting and pivoting her blog, and facing family challenges, including her daughter's epilepsy diagnosis and her father's illness and passing.

[00:01:12] The discussion goes deep into themes of personal growth, resilience, faith, and the importance of authenticity and forgiveness.

[00:01:19] Melissa also touches on her experiences navigating multicultural family dynamics, the impact of blogging and podcasting on her life, and her journey towards self-love and setting boundaries.

[00:01:31] Throughout, Melissa emphasizes the value of sharing one's story, fostering open conversations, and building genuine relationships.

[00:01:40] As a dedicated mom and wife, Melissa knows a thing or two about stretching the dollar and making the most of life's blessings.

[00:01:46] Through her popular blog and podcast, Chats from the Blog Cabin, she invites you to join her on a voyage of thrifty finds, DIY projects, and travel escapades that don't break the bank.

[00:01:59] But Melissa's story doesn't stop there. Her faith guides her steps as a child of God, and she's passionate about connecting with her community, offering words of wisdom and encouragement.

[00:02:09] So whether you're looking for budget-friendly tips or a dose of inspiration, Melissa's down-home insights are as refreshing as a glass of sweet tea on a summer's day.

[00:02:19] Hi, I'm Michelle Sims, your host.

[00:02:21] I'm just a regular person who, along with my family, have had our share of messes that we, too, have had to overcome.

[00:02:27] Along the way, I got curious as to how others get through their messes and even triumph over them.

[00:02:33] Maybe there's a better way, a faster way. Maybe we can all accelerate our journeys by learning from someone else.

[00:02:40] That started my pursuit. I think we can all learn from each other through the sharing of our experiences, lessons, and knowledge.

[00:02:47] So join me for episode 81 of The Beauty and the Mess, called From Writing Enthusiast to Influential Blogger and Podcaster with Melissa Vera.

[00:02:58] So without further ado, let's dive right into today's conversation.

[00:03:03] Hi, Melissa. Welcome to The Beauty and the Mess. I'm so happy to have you with me today.

[00:03:08] Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be on the podcast.

[00:03:12] Oh, thank you. I think it's going to be great.

[00:03:15] Now, I know you're an entrepreneur and a podcaster and a blogger and most specifically a mom, amongst other things.

[00:03:23] But before we kind of start digging into all that, I was wondering if you would give us a little bit of your backstory.

[00:03:28] Like what led you down the path that you're on today?

[00:03:32] Oh, what led me? That is a loaded question if I've ever heard one.

[00:03:37] Actually, I really have to go back.

[00:03:40] I always loved to write.

[00:03:42] That is something in my childhood, I'm a very creative person.

[00:03:45] You know, creative mind.

[00:03:47] Creativity just fires me up and gets me going.

[00:03:49] And so when I was in college, I majored in English and communications.

[00:03:56] But I ended up not finding my way until I think my oldest daughter was in kindergarten.

[00:04:04] I started volunteering at her school.

[00:04:06] And then I was like, you know what?

[00:04:08] I'm going to be I'm going to go in.

[00:04:10] I love teaching.

[00:04:11] My husband is from Mexico.

[00:04:12] So when Las Posadas was coming around in December, it's a holiday they celebrate in Mexico.

[00:04:18] And I went in to teach her class, her first grade class about Las Posadas.

[00:04:22] It just lit a fire in me under me.

[00:04:26] And so I started volunteering at the school.

[00:04:28] I ended up going in and started teaching at the school and just really loved it.

[00:04:33] But in the meantime, I really wanted something for myself.

[00:04:36] So about 2011, I said on the side, I'll start writing.

[00:04:39] I'll start blogging.

[00:04:40] And it started out as a deals and coupons blog.

[00:04:43] But there's so much competition with that.

[00:04:45] If you don't post it right away, then nobody's going to look at your website.

[00:04:50] So I was like, OK, this is not for me.

[00:04:52] So let me start doing lifestyle.

[00:04:53] So I started thinking about things that I could do with my girls, because at that point,

[00:04:59] I was kind of staying home with them a little bit and also working, you know, just kind of part time.

[00:05:06] Right.

[00:05:06] So I wanted to make sure that we could do fun things, but it wouldn't have to cost a lot of money.

[00:05:10] And I thought, well, maybe there are other parents out there like that,

[00:05:13] that would like to know how they can go have fun with their kids without spending a lot of money.

[00:05:19] So that's how it started.

[00:05:20] Oh, wow.

[00:05:21] And 2014, the bottom, I always say the bottom fell out of my world.

[00:05:26] My youngest daughter, who was now, she just celebrated her 22nd birthday.

[00:05:30] She had her first of many seizures in January of that year.

[00:05:34] And it just rocked my world to no end.

[00:05:37] And I took a leave from the school because I was like, I cannot her.

[00:05:42] The doctor put her on half days at school because at that point they didn't know what was going on.

[00:05:48] Right.

[00:05:48] They thought at one time she had a brain tumor, but they wanted to make sure that she was getting enough rest.

[00:05:54] So they were like, we're going to put you on half days at school.

[00:05:56] So she would either go half days in the morning or half days in the afternoon.

[00:06:00] But her half days and my half days didn't match up.

[00:06:03] So I just ended up taking a leave.

[00:06:05] Right.

[00:06:05] We finally, in April, when it was around spring break, we were finally okay.

[00:06:09] We know what it is.

[00:06:11] It's epilepsy.

[00:06:12] We're ready.

[00:06:13] We, you know, we've got our own medication.

[00:06:15] It's all controlled.

[00:06:15] I can go back to work.

[00:06:16] But then we had a car accident coming back from my middle daughter's high school soccer game.

[00:06:22] And so, of course, mom gets hurt because mom was worried about everybody else and the adrenaline.

[00:06:27] And then I realized everybody was okay, that my neck was killing me.

[00:06:31] My shoulder was killing me.

[00:06:33] I ended up getting a torn rotator cuff.

[00:06:35] So that put me out of work for a while because obviously you can't drive with only one arm and you're on medication.

[00:06:40] You're not supposed to at least.

[00:06:42] I know there's a lot of people that do.

[00:06:44] And so went on through the summer.

[00:06:47] The doctor says, oh, you'll have PT.

[00:06:49] I'll give you a shot, which I would much rather have surgery than shots any day because I pass out after a shot.

[00:06:55] Finally, in August, they decided I would have surgery.

[00:06:57] I was back healing, ready to go back to work.

[00:07:01] And then my dad, who is my biggest hero, when my middle daughter was born, he was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.

[00:07:07] And that was in 1998.

[00:07:09] And in 2014, he was, it turned into simply phatic leukemia.

[00:07:14] And it was because of, he got a double whammy.

[00:07:17] He got exposure to Agent Orange in Vietnam.

[00:07:20] And he also got exposure to the toxic water in Camp Lejeune.

[00:07:24] Wow.

[00:07:24] So he got the double whammy on that.

[00:07:27] And so he was put in hospice in December of that year.

[00:07:30] And in January of the following year, almost to the day that my daughter had her seizure, my dad passed away.

[00:07:36] So at that point, my dad was always my biggest hero, my biggest supporter.

[00:07:42] He would go in and volunteer at the school.

[00:07:43] And so there were so many memories of my dad at the school that I just could not face going back to the school at all.

[00:07:49] I just couldn't do it.

[00:07:51] So I was like, you know what?

[00:07:53] If I'm supposed to go out and branch out and do this on my own, then this is the time for me to do it.

[00:07:59] This is the time for me to write and do everything that I want to do.

[00:08:02] And so I just took the leap of faith and just did it.

[00:08:05] I told you it was a long story.

[00:08:07] No, I'm just listening.

[00:08:09] Yeah, it's fascinating.

[00:08:11] Yeah.

[00:08:12] So that's where I came to be where I am now.

[00:08:16] So did the writing become kind of cathartic for you, kind of healing in a way since you had lost your dad?

[00:08:23] I mean, I'm not sure exactly all the different subjects you write about, but has it helped?

[00:08:29] Yes, for sure.

[00:08:30] Yeah.

[00:08:30] Yeah, it did help a lot.

[00:08:33] And that first year, our focus was getting my mom through it because my mom and dad had known each other since she was 11.

[00:08:40] He was like 13, 14 years old and had been married 55 years.

[00:08:44] Wow.

[00:08:44] So getting my mom through that first year was.

[00:08:47] And so there was a way of me doing my grief, but doing it through writing instead of vocalizing it to everybody else that, hey, this is what's going on.

[00:08:57] I could just write it down and just post it.

[00:09:00] And other people like would say, hey, you know what?

[00:09:03] I'm feeling the same way or, oh, I'm so glad you talked about this because I felt this.

[00:09:08] And nobody talks about grief.

[00:09:10] Oh, wow.

[00:09:11] So did you blog a lot about grief or do you do all different topics or?

[00:09:17] I do all different topics.

[00:09:19] I consider myself lifestyle.

[00:09:20] When the girls were little, I obviously blogged more about family.

[00:09:25] But now it's all different topics.

[00:09:27] It's like anything from finances to lifestyle to I say it's a jack of all trades because I do a lot of things.

[00:09:33] I mean, I do craft sometimes.

[00:09:35] Sometimes it's personal.

[00:09:36] Sometimes it's sponsored posts that I get paid to do.

[00:09:39] Other times it's just something that, hey, it's off the top of my head.

[00:09:41] I want to write about this.

[00:09:42] And I just sit down and write about it.

[00:09:44] How do you choose those subjects?

[00:09:46] Do you try to think of what your audience would want to hear?

[00:09:49] Or do you just do what resonates with you and you know it's going to resonate with some of them?

[00:09:53] I learned early on that I had to do what's resonated with me because that's the way it would be the most authentic.

[00:09:59] And it would come off as authentic to the person reading it.

[00:10:02] Because people can spot a phony like this.

[00:10:06] People can look at it and say that person's not living up to their means or not.

[00:10:11] They're saying they're frugal, but they're really looking at everything that they do in their life.

[00:10:15] It's not frugal.

[00:10:16] And they're like, okay, why are you doing this brand like this?

[00:10:19] But nothing in your life is frugal.

[00:10:21] Oh, wow.

[00:10:22] So has it kind of grown organically, so to speak?

[00:10:25] Or have you actively marketed, advertised for it?

[00:10:30] Because I read where it's quite popular, right?

[00:10:33] It's a pretty popular blog.

[00:10:35] Yeah.

[00:10:35] Yes.

[00:10:36] It's organically, honestly, because I'm talking to you right now in the blog cabin,

[00:10:41] which is everything that I purchased that I made through blogging.

[00:10:44] And it was something that I knew later on.

[00:10:48] I wanted an office outside of the home, but I didn't realize it was going to be 50 feet outside my back door.

[00:10:53] But I never thought I would ever get to that point.

[00:10:57] And one of the interviews, because we probably talk about my podcast a little bit, chats in the blog cabin.

[00:11:05] And one of my favorite interviews is when I interviewed my girls.

[00:11:08] And at this time, I was doing a lot of them on Facebook and they were live.

[00:11:11] So people would like put questions and I would ask the girls questions.

[00:11:15] And one of the ladies watching said, what did you learn from your dad and what did you learn from your mom?

[00:11:21] And this is why I'm coming to the story is that my middle daughter said, we learned that you have to persevere and you can make.

[00:11:32] Something out of nothing, because we watched you for years where there was nobody following you.

[00:11:37] And now we look at you now and say, wow, you have to really sustain and be endured and kind of because it's not a quick, rich scheme.

[00:11:47] It's not like you're going to have instant followers like that.

[00:11:50] You're not, you're going to have to build it organically.

[00:11:52] And it's when your people start trusting you and they start realizing, hey, this is the go-to person for this, or this is the go-to person for that.

[00:11:59] Then you realize it.

[00:12:00] And then I also think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I, I'm, I'm authentic on the blog.

[00:12:07] If something's upset me, I'll post it.

[00:12:09] I'll write about it.

[00:12:10] And people are like, you can't do that.

[00:12:12] I'm like, it's not a newspaper story.

[00:12:14] It's my personal blog that somebody else may realize that, hey, that person's just like me.

[00:12:20] They feel just like me.

[00:12:21] I'm glad she said it.

[00:12:22] And I didn't have to say, you know, here, read this blog, you know?

[00:12:24] So I think that's a lot to do with it too.

[00:12:27] Yeah.

[00:12:28] Like I mentioned earlier, I love the idea of the blog cabin.

[00:12:32] I mean, that's just so cool.

[00:12:34] And it's neat that you funded it yourself with all your hard work.

[00:12:38] So, yeah, I purchased the cabin and I purchased the, everything, the materials inside it that we did.

[00:12:45] But my husband did all the sweat equity.

[00:12:47] I've got to give him credit for all that because he, we, I thought, I said, if we survive this,

[00:12:52] because sometimes he would do something totally different than the way I wanted it done, even though it was lying.

[00:12:58] I was like, why are you doing it this way?

[00:13:00] Why don't you do it this way?

[00:13:01] You know, I said, we, we survived this and not get a divorce.

[00:13:04] We can survive anything.

[00:13:05] And it's true.

[00:13:06] We've been together 30 years.

[00:13:08] So yeah, it's true.

[00:13:11] Well, congratulations.

[00:13:12] And that's awesome.

[00:13:13] Yeah.

[00:13:14] I was wondering like the live component that you talked about for your podcast, switching gears a little bit here, but do you still do that?

[00:13:21] Do you still go live on the podcast?

[00:13:23] No.

[00:13:24] And actually, to be honest with you, it was more of a part of a mindset challenge.

[00:13:29] I hate it.

[00:13:30] Get me in front of a group of kids all day long.

[00:13:32] I can talk.

[00:13:33] I can be creative.

[00:13:34] I have things can, you know, things will just flow at one point in time.

[00:13:37] Get me in front of a group of peers.

[00:13:39] Like right now, I would not be doing the podcast with you.

[00:13:41] That's how much I've grown over the years.

[00:13:43] I was so scared, so nervous.

[00:13:45] I would just like talk like a mile a minute and just my hands would be shaking.

[00:13:50] I would be so nervous and I'd be stressed out.

[00:13:53] But I was in this mindset challenge and they said, go live and talk about one of your core values.

[00:13:58] And I'm like, okay, all right.

[00:14:00] I really don't want to do this, but I really want to win this challenge.

[00:14:04] That's funny.

[00:14:05] So, you know what?

[00:14:07] One of my core values is relationships.

[00:14:09] And this was during the time that COVID had just started closing everybody down.

[00:14:14] It was like right when the shutdown started.

[00:14:16] So I'm like, I can go live with a friend and we can talk about how we can support a friend

[00:14:21] and friendships during this time of COVID because, you know, everybody was quarantining and everything.

[00:14:25] So I went live and I was like, it's live is better with a friend.

[00:14:29] And it just bit me.

[00:14:30] And I was like, I love it.

[00:14:32] I'm going to continue.

[00:14:33] And then I did live for about a year, year and a half, but then it was at the point where,

[00:14:38] you know, the algorithm changed on Facebook and Instagram and you don't really know who's

[00:14:42] going to be watching and everything.

[00:14:43] So I'm like, you know what?

[00:14:44] I'm just going to record and then put them up.

[00:14:48] So I wasn't stressing myself out trying to get so many lives out per week.

[00:14:54] I could just record like one day I can stack the whole day to record four or five episodes

[00:15:00] one day.

[00:15:00] Then I'm done with the podcast.

[00:15:03] And so I go do put it up for the day.

[00:15:05] So I'm pretty much done.

[00:15:07] So I learned the hard way because I was stressing myself out and I was not being able to do what

[00:15:13] I wanted to do on the blog and other things because I was so focused on, oh, I have to

[00:15:17] interview this person.

[00:15:18] I have to interview this person.

[00:15:19] But instead I decided I can compartmentalize and do little things each day.

[00:15:25] So that's pretty awesome.

[00:15:27] So I heard you mention relationships.

[00:15:29] So in your journey so far, what's the most important thing you've learned about relationships?

[00:15:36] Or one, I know there's a lot of things.

[00:15:39] One, you have to show up as yourself and don't let anybody else put you in a box and put you

[00:15:44] into something, make you into something that you're not.

[00:15:47] I was so worried.

[00:15:48] I didn't have the best relationship with my mom.

[00:15:50] And I was so worried about what others thought of me when I was growing up that I was never

[00:15:55] authentically myself.

[00:15:56] And to the point where I think even as a young mom and a young wife, I wasn't, I wouldn't

[00:16:04] say happy, but I didn't trust that my kids love me.

[00:16:08] I didn't trust that my husband loved me because I was taught through my mom that there was no

[00:16:15] such thing as unconditional love.

[00:16:17] There was, oh, I'll love you if you X, Y, and Z for me, do this for me.

[00:16:22] And it wasn't like, I knew if I picked up the phone and called, my dad would be there 100%

[00:16:28] of the time.

[00:16:29] But my mom, if I called her, it would all depend on, oh, well, well, your dad's taking

[00:16:35] me out or one of my other sisters needed her first.

[00:16:38] Then it was always, she would go to them first.

[00:16:41] And me being the youngest and the only one that had the husband, she always thought that,

[00:16:45] hey, you have a husband to take care of you.

[00:16:47] Your sisters don't.

[00:16:49] And I felt like I was being penalized because of the fact that I wasn't happily married.

[00:16:53] I mean, happily married.

[00:16:55] And I just felt penalized for that.

[00:16:58] So I heard you mention unconditional love and obviously there's conditional love.

[00:17:03] So is that something that you write about?

[00:17:06] Yes.

[00:17:07] I'm actually in the process of writing a book about my relationship with my mom, because

[00:17:15] I always felt like there was conditions with her, no matter what.

[00:17:18] I never felt like there was unconditional love from her.

[00:17:21] And the only unconditional love, it led me deeper into my faith in God and my journey

[00:17:27] because of searching for something that was going to fulfill me because my, I didn't feel

[00:17:33] loved by my mom.

[00:17:34] I mean, I knew she loved me, but I just didn't feel it.

[00:17:37] She didn't show it often.

[00:17:38] And I actually, in the very beginning of being a young mom, I kind of took my mom's traits

[00:17:45] and took it on.

[00:17:47] And I realized that wasn't me.

[00:17:48] That wasn't who I wanted to be with my girls.

[00:17:50] So I totally flipped the switch of that generational curse because I know that came from her mom.

[00:17:56] So I give her grace, but I wanted to make sure that I started writing the book after she

[00:18:01] died because I didn't want to do it when she was alive.

[00:18:03] And I didn't want to put it out in public because I just wanted to give her some respect.

[00:18:08] Right.

[00:18:08] And I realized when I was started writing it, I'm like, okay, I'm, this is coming off

[00:18:14] harsher than I want.

[00:18:15] The words that were flowing out of me were like angry words.

[00:18:18] And I'm like, I don't want that to be everybody pick it up and read how angry I am because

[00:18:24] my mom, she was still my mom, regardless of what happened.

[00:18:27] Right.

[00:18:28] Free me.

[00:18:28] So that's led me down another road of joining a mastermind and of two Christian writers that

[00:18:36] are amazing.

[00:18:37] And they're kind of helping guide a group of like 10 women on what they're supposed to

[00:18:42] be, how we're supposed to do our words and things like that.

[00:18:45] So, yeah.

[00:18:46] That's awesome.

[00:18:47] So this might be an odd question, but looking back, I'm just wondering if you feel like as

[00:18:53] hard as it was that you think that maybe that was supposed to be so that you would dig into

[00:18:59] your faith and you would realize you had to be who you're meant to be.

[00:19:04] Yep.

[00:19:04] I think so too.

[00:19:06] I think definitely.

[00:19:07] Somebody asked me a question a couple of weeks ago about if I could change anything in my

[00:19:12] life, would I change things?

[00:19:14] And, you know, I stopped for a moment.

[00:19:16] And in the past, I would have said, yes, X, Y, and Z, all these different things.

[00:19:19] But this time I'm like, no, I'm like, I took me to where I am right now.

[00:19:25] There was lessons that I had to learn.

[00:19:27] There were things that I had to go through to be where I am today, to be this.

[00:19:32] I wouldn't say self-assured.

[00:19:35] Maybe that's what I would say, because I literally had low self-esteem, no self-confidence

[00:19:40] in myself, any of that stuff.

[00:19:41] So I had to go through what I went through to get to where I am today.

[00:19:46] Now, of course, there would be things I've changed.

[00:19:48] Like my sister wouldn't have died when she was 27.

[00:19:50] My dad wouldn't have died.

[00:19:52] You know, all these different things that, that, those things that would change.

[00:19:57] But the situations I probably wouldn't change because it made me who I am.

[00:20:01] And it made me a better mom to my girls because I realized the kind of mom I didn't want

[00:20:05] to have, that I didn't want my girls to have.

[00:20:08] I realized early on I had to switch, flip the switch.

[00:20:11] I also learned the kind of marriage I wanted.

[00:20:13] I also learned that I was not going to let anybody else dictate what I can and can't do

[00:20:19] in my own family.

[00:20:20] Even if they were family that were outside, they weren't the immediate.

[00:20:24] They were like family I grew up with.

[00:20:25] They weren't going to dictate how my family was going to be raised or how, what I was going

[00:20:31] to do with my family.

[00:20:32] They weren't going to dictate that.

[00:20:33] So yeah.

[00:20:34] So I, the answer, yes, I had to go through all this stuff.

[00:20:38] And you know, when you're in the thick of things, you don't think, you don't think about

[00:20:41] that.

[00:20:42] You don't think, oh my gosh, why is this happening to me?

[00:20:45] And you're like stressed out.

[00:20:47] When my dad died, this lady, Ms. Paula, I've grown up with her all my life.

[00:20:51] And my mom kept her little boy.

[00:20:53] She came up and she hugged me at my dad's funeral and said, this is God pulling you closer

[00:20:58] down.

[00:20:59] And I'm like, okay, all right.

[00:21:01] And it did my faith.

[00:21:03] That's the only way I knew I got through 2014.

[00:21:06] But when my mom just passed away in August, she came to the visitation and she came up

[00:21:12] to me and said, you know, we were just talking and I looked at her and I said, I want you to

[00:21:17] know that when you spoke those words to me in 2015 about God pulling this closer, pulling

[00:21:24] me closer to him.

[00:21:25] I said, that has strengthened my faith.

[00:21:27] And I lean on those words all the time.

[00:21:29] And I lean on my faith.

[00:21:29] And for, it was like almost a full circle that I was able to tell her that because I

[00:21:35] normally don't see her.

[00:21:37] So for her to show up and for me to be able to tell her that, and she got tears in her eyes

[00:21:42] and I got tears in my eyes just to be able to say, thank you for giving me those words

[00:21:47] that have made me dig deeper into my faith.

[00:21:50] Yeah.

[00:21:50] And it was probably no accident that she said it.

[00:21:53] I start to see more and more of that as I go on and kind of evaluate my own life.

[00:21:59] It's like all these tough things I think happen for reasons.

[00:22:04] And we may not understand them all and they're not always pleasant by any means to go through.

[00:22:09] But I think they're setting us up for something, preparing us for something.

[00:22:14] For sure.

[00:22:15] Yeah.

[00:22:15] Yeah.

[00:22:16] So, and I also feel like a lot of us, there's no shortage of a lack of self-esteem, a feeling

[00:22:23] of unworthiness.

[00:22:24] It's like I attend different classes or masterminds or whatever, and it just seems like it's the

[00:22:30] predominant theme anymore.

[00:22:31] And it made me start thinking that no one ever teaches us to love ourselves.

[00:22:38] Well, I shouldn't say that.

[00:22:40] But in my circle, and I know in my parents' circle, I don't feel like any of us were ever

[00:22:45] taught that you should love yourself and take care of yourself.

[00:22:49] And so it's been kind of a journey for me.

[00:22:52] And I was just kind of curious of your thoughts on self-love.

[00:22:55] Yeah.

[00:22:56] It definitely has been a journey because I always point back, always look back when I was

[00:23:00] growing up.

[00:23:02] And even, like I said, young mom, married.

[00:23:05] We were at a vacation Bible school when I was like seven or eight years old.

[00:23:08] And I said, I'm pretty.

[00:23:12] And my sister said, you're not pretty.

[00:23:16] You have to be modest.

[00:23:18] And then she was like, don't say that.

[00:23:21] Be modest.

[00:23:22] And they're like, well, someone has to, she has to say it because nobody will ever call

[00:23:26] her pretty in her life.

[00:23:27] And my mom agreed with her.

[00:23:29] Oh, wow.

[00:23:30] That's awful.

[00:23:30] That has stuck with me for like ever.

[00:23:34] And it took, and I'm still struggling with it some, but I know that when the cover of

[00:23:41] that book comes out, when the book comes out, I'm taking two pictures of that little girl

[00:23:45] and that's going to be on my cover.

[00:23:47] I actually had, by accident, had them.

[00:23:50] Um, we found them when my mom passed away and I had them photographed with them, like

[00:23:56] holding it in my hand.

[00:23:57] You know, you just see the pictures, but they're in my hand and that's going to be the cover

[00:24:00] of my book.

[00:24:01] And it was pure accident because I was like, that little girl was a cutie.

[00:24:05] And looking back, I can.

[00:24:07] I have no doubt.

[00:24:09] Yeah.

[00:24:09] But at the moment when you're six or seven years old and someone's telling you that nobody

[00:24:14] will ever call you pretty in your lifetime, you're like, Oh, that's devastating.

[00:24:20] It's, it sticks with you.

[00:24:21] Well, especially when it's somebody you love that's saying it.

[00:24:25] I mean, it hurts bad enough if a stranger said something awful, but when someone you love,

[00:24:30] especially a parent says that it's unimaginable, but for sure.

[00:24:35] And so I, me, I just look at it and it took me the long, it took me till I almost turned

[00:24:40] 50 to finally say, no, I'm not doing this anymore.

[00:24:43] I'm not, you're not putting me in this box of the ugly little girl and the girl that

[00:24:49] has to do everything that you tell her to do.

[00:24:51] I'm not doing it anymore.

[00:24:52] I'm standing up for myself.

[00:24:53] I'm saying no, because I'm putting boundaries in place and that's important.

[00:24:57] I mean, you have to put boundaries.

[00:24:59] A lot of people say, how do you do that?

[00:25:01] It's so hard.

[00:25:02] It is hard, but you have to do it for yourself.

[00:25:05] So when you said I'm not doing this anymore, was this to your mom or is this to yourself?

[00:25:11] I said it to myself, but then I, okay.

[00:25:14] Boundaries out.

[00:25:15] I love you, but I can't do this.

[00:25:17] I can't do that.

[00:25:18] One of the sisters was like, is her way or no way.

[00:25:22] And so I was finally saying, I can't do it anymore.

[00:25:25] I can't do it your way.

[00:25:26] I'm sorry.

[00:25:27] I'll take my part of the blame of anything that's happened, but I'm not taking all the blame.

[00:25:32] You have to take some accountability.

[00:25:34] And until that accountability happens, I just will hold you at arm length because I just

[00:25:39] can't do it.

[00:25:40] I can't.

[00:25:40] I was taking out all the blame and being the scapegoat where everything that went wrong,

[00:25:45] like, oh, you should do this.

[00:25:46] You should do that.

[00:25:47] Instead of, okay.

[00:25:49] All right.

[00:25:50] Maybe I did something to contribute to this.

[00:25:52] And I looked at them and I would say, if I did something to contribute, I'm sorry,

[00:25:55] but I'm not taking all the blame.

[00:25:58] And I think that's when they, like the one sister started backing off away from me and

[00:26:03] everything.

[00:26:03] And I'm like, well, I'm sorry.

[00:26:04] It's, I'm not taking the fault anymore.

[00:26:06] I'm not being the fault guy.

[00:26:07] And it was during a time right after my dad died that we had a big blow up at my house

[00:26:15] and my sister actually yelled at my daughter and her own house.

[00:26:19] And I'm like, no, that's it.

[00:26:20] That was when my boundary was drawn.

[00:26:22] I'm like, you're not going to yell at my daughter and her own house.

[00:26:26] After the situation, I'd already explained everything because there was something going

[00:26:31] on and she was very anxious about it.

[00:26:32] And I'd asked people not to ask her to bring anything to her sister or anything like that.

[00:26:37] Just kind of let her be because she was going to go on her first airplane trip to California

[00:26:41] to visit her sister.

[00:26:42] And she was not, nobody was listening to me.

[00:26:45] And I'm like, why do I even tell you these things when you don't listen?

[00:26:48] So when she blew up at my daughter and I was like, no, no, look what you just did.

[00:26:53] I said, she's 20 years old.

[00:26:55] She's getting on her first airplane.

[00:26:58] She's full of anxiety, nervous.

[00:27:00] She doesn't know what to do.

[00:27:02] She's not going to carry any luggage or anything.

[00:27:04] And you're asking her to bring something to her sister.

[00:27:07] After I'd already said, please don't ask.

[00:27:09] Right.

[00:27:09] Because X, Y, Z.

[00:27:11] And they still ignored what I said.

[00:27:13] Wow.

[00:27:14] So that's when I said, enough is enough.

[00:27:17] I can't do this anymore.

[00:27:19] It's starting to affect the way that you interact with my girls.

[00:27:22] And you're not plowing over them like you plowed over me.

[00:27:26] It's enough.

[00:27:26] So have you since repaired that relationship or do you still stay at arm's length?

[00:27:33] I stayed arm's length because it's her way or no way at all.

[00:27:37] But I've noticed that the way I react to her is different because, like I said, I will take part of the blame.

[00:27:43] But I'm not taking all the blame.

[00:27:45] And before, I would just say, okay, whatever, and just walk away.

[00:27:48] But now I'm like, okay, I'll take part of the blame.

[00:27:51] But I don't come back with hurtful words.

[00:27:53] I don't come back with words that are ugly or anything.

[00:27:57] And I draw my boundaries.

[00:27:59] And I wait.

[00:28:01] And sometimes I try not to react in the moment.

[00:28:04] And she tries to trigger me to react in the moment because she knows then, aha, I got you.

[00:28:09] But now I take a pause.

[00:28:11] And even if it's a day or two later when she is texting me, I'll text her a day or two later because I just don't want to deal with it.

[00:28:19] And I'll wait until the right words come to me.

[00:28:21] And then I'll text her.

[00:28:22] And I'll say, hey.

[00:28:24] Because before I couldn't do that, I would just pop right back off at her.

[00:28:27] And I just could not do that because it wasn't good for me.

[00:28:30] It wasn't good for my family because, of course, I would leave her and come home.

[00:28:35] And I would be in a foul mood and everything would explode around us.

[00:28:39] That's very true.

[00:28:40] That takes a lot of self-discipline.

[00:28:43] It's awesome that you can do that.

[00:28:45] I don't do it all the time.

[00:28:47] There are some times I get caught in that trap.

[00:28:48] But most of the time, it's what I try to do.

[00:28:50] I try to back off and just kind of a minute and then wait for the opportunity to arise for me to either text her back or say something that's going to be a little.

[00:29:01] Now, my oldest sister, I could do that with.

[00:29:04] And she was like, why didn't you tell me when this happened?

[00:29:06] I'm like, because.

[00:29:07] I said, if I did, I wouldn't have liked the words I said and you wouldn't have liked the words I said.

[00:29:12] So it's better if I had just waited and sat on it for a little bit, thought about it and came up and be patient with myself.

[00:29:19] Because when you react in anger, angry words come out, you get nasty, you get ugly, and it can just escalate everything to a thousand times more than it could be just a little tiny ant.

[00:29:30] And it becomes a huge mungus, you know, one of these little fire ants that keep biting and biting and biting and biting.

[00:29:35] Whereas before, it's just like one of these little sugar ants.

[00:29:38] So, yeah.

[00:29:39] That's wonderful.

[00:29:40] I mean, it's kind of curious, and I don't mean this in a bad way at all.

[00:29:44] So please don't take this bad.

[00:29:45] But do you practice forgiveness or do you incorporate forgiveness?

[00:29:50] And not saying that anything that they did was right or good or that you would forget it.

[00:29:56] I don't mean it in that way.

[00:29:58] Just that you say, I'm not letting this affect me anymore, period.

[00:30:03] Yes, I do.

[00:30:04] That was probably the biggest thing that I had to let go of is letting go of the resentment and everything.

[00:30:10] But I kept hearing the message that when you forgive, it's not for the other person.

[00:30:15] Regardless of what you're talking about, you know, it's for yourself.

[00:30:19] And it's when you start.

[00:30:20] I read a book one time.

[00:30:22] They talked about forgiveness being unforgiving is being like an octopus.

[00:30:27] That is the tentacles are around your heart.

[00:30:29] And they're just squeezing your heart tighter and tighter when you choose not to forgive somebody.

[00:30:34] But once you start forgiving somebody, the tentacles come apart.

[00:30:37] And then all of a sudden, your heart is open for more love and more wonderful things to come into your life.

[00:30:42] And it's not like you're so cold against each other or cold against people or yourself or whatever.

[00:30:48] So like I said, at 50 is when I decided no more.

[00:30:52] I'm going to start.

[00:30:53] And slowly but surely, I got to the point where I was like, okay, I forgive you.

[00:30:58] I love you.

[00:30:59] But.

[00:31:00] Right.

[00:31:01] And you can still keep them at arm's length.

[00:31:03] That doesn't mean you didn't forgive them.

[00:31:05] Yep.

[00:31:05] It's true.

[00:31:06] By any mean.

[00:31:06] It just means I don't have to deal with this anymore.

[00:31:10] And it's all for you.

[00:31:11] A lot of people say, well, they're not going to forgive me.

[00:31:13] I know my sister's never going to say I'm sorry for anything that she's ever done.

[00:31:17] I know that.

[00:31:17] I know in my mind.

[00:31:19] But if I keep harping on the fact that she's saying she's not going to say I'm sorry, then why should I say I'm sorry?

[00:31:25] No, I need to say I'm sorry for myself.

[00:31:28] And then go on and move on.

[00:31:30] Even if it's writing a letter, burning it, throwing it in the trash, doing whatever, get all your emotions out.

[00:31:35] And just get it out and let go.

[00:31:38] Let go and let God.

[00:31:40] Amen to that.

[00:31:41] So did you learn all this stuff on your own through books?

[00:31:44] Or how have you mastered all of these techniques?

[00:31:48] Like you say, when you turned 50, things started changing.

[00:31:51] What was that?

[00:31:52] What sparked that change?

[00:31:54] I don't know.

[00:31:55] One of it, I think, was the incident at my house with my daughter.

[00:31:59] Another one was my mom always seemed to find the negative in things.

[00:32:04] Not to say she wasn't a good person.

[00:32:06] But like, for instance, I would say I was going to do something.

[00:32:09] She would say, oh, well, that's going to hurt.

[00:32:10] Or this is.

[00:32:11] And she put that thought in your mind.

[00:32:13] You're like, well, maybe I shouldn't do that.

[00:32:14] Or maybe, you know, I have a little bit of doubt here.

[00:32:18] So I learned around that time that maybe I need to do stuff and not tell people that

[00:32:24] I'm doing it.

[00:32:25] Just go out and do it for myself.

[00:32:28] And when I turned 50, a really good friend of mine and I went ziplining for the very

[00:32:33] first time.

[00:32:34] Second time for her.

[00:32:35] First time for me.

[00:32:36] I'm definitely afraid of heights.

[00:32:37] I don't know what.

[00:32:39] Obviously, I know what inspired me to do it.

[00:32:41] Somebody offered me a chance to go do it through the blog and to write about it.

[00:32:45] So I'm like, OK, I'm going to go write about it.

[00:32:48] I'm going to do it into experience.

[00:32:50] But I, I definitely afraid of heights.

[00:32:53] So I was like, you know, I don't ever want to live my life with regrets and saying, I

[00:32:57] wish I had at the end of my life.

[00:33:00] I wish I had done this.

[00:33:00] I wish I had done that.

[00:33:01] I'm like, I'm going to go.

[00:33:03] But I didn't tell anybody.

[00:33:04] But my immediate family, my daughters and my husband knew I was going, but nobody else

[00:33:08] knew.

[00:33:09] And so I went.

[00:33:11] I was standing on that platform.

[00:33:13] Knees are shaking everything.

[00:33:14] And I was like, I looked at my friend and I said, I can't do this.

[00:33:18] She said, yes, you can just close your eyes and jump.

[00:33:23] And so I was like, I can't do it.

[00:33:24] She's like, you can do it.

[00:33:25] You can do it.

[00:33:26] You can do it.

[00:33:27] I'm like, no, I can't.

[00:33:28] OK, she's like, yes, you can.

[00:33:29] Yes, you can.

[00:33:30] And so I finally said, OK, I'm going to do it.

[00:33:34] I closed my eyes.

[00:33:35] I said a quick prayer.

[00:33:36] God, if you're going to take me, take me now and take me quick.

[00:33:39] Don't make me die in agony.

[00:33:41] Just let me go.

[00:33:42] You're like or attack whatever before I hit the ground.

[00:33:44] And so I jumped off that platform, took that leap of faith.

[00:33:47] There's a lot of people saying leaps of faith and got that first first little one under

[00:33:52] my belt.

[00:33:53] Luckily, it was there's two different types of zip line.

[00:33:56] One is the breaking and one that is there you have to break yourself and when there's

[00:34:00] automatic breaking.

[00:34:01] Thank God.

[00:34:03] Thank God that the one I had was the automatic breaking.

[00:34:06] So I didn't have to worry about breaking myself or I would have run into the tree.

[00:34:09] I didn't know there was a difference.

[00:34:12] Yeah.

[00:34:13] When I got down to the platform, the guide is when you go zip lining, there's always

[00:34:17] somebody right in front of you to kind of help you off and the guide to help you, the person

[00:34:22] that works there.

[00:34:23] And so he literally had to hold me up because my legs were jelly.

[00:34:27] But I'm like, I can do this.

[00:34:28] I've done it once.

[00:34:29] I can do it again.

[00:34:30] Now, at the end of the course, they have it where you take a bungee jump and you bungee

[00:34:34] jump from the very tall tower down to the bottom.

[00:34:37] And I'm like, yeah, you know what?

[00:34:39] I zip lined.

[00:34:39] I'm just going to walk down the stairs.

[00:34:41] I don't need to do the bungee jumping.

[00:34:42] I don't need to test fake anymore.

[00:34:45] I don't think I could do the bungee jumping.

[00:34:48] It's funny because I just told my husband we were talking about trying to take a vacation

[00:34:52] this year and I was reading online.

[00:34:56] We were talking about going to Tennessee and there was a zip line and I said, hey, maybe

[00:35:00] I'll try zip lining.

[00:35:02] He goes, are you crazy?

[00:35:03] See, so he wasn't too big on it for me even.

[00:35:06] I mean, he said, I'm not doing it.

[00:35:08] And he said, I don't think you should either.

[00:35:10] So I get not telling people because they try to talk you out of it.

[00:35:14] Yeah.

[00:35:15] Instead of letting you just do what you feel like you want to try.

[00:35:19] Yeah, for sure.

[00:35:21] And since I decided that I was going to open my life to new experiences, I try to at least

[00:35:26] have something new every year.

[00:35:28] I mean, just like this past April, my husband and I just did a cross-country trip.

[00:35:32] We live in North Carolina and my oldest daughter lives in California.

[00:35:36] So we drove to California to celebrate our 30 years being together.

[00:35:41] We drove to California and drove back home.

[00:35:43] But just him and I, and I thought either we're going to love each other at the end of this

[00:35:47] trip or we're going to be divorced.

[00:35:49] And once again, we love each other.

[00:35:53] We grew so much.

[00:35:54] You know, we learned to look at each other and see what each other needed.

[00:35:58] And like, hey, do you want me to stop and get a coffee for you?

[00:36:00] I'm like 100% because I need coffee to function.

[00:36:03] Or, hey, you need to get out.

[00:36:05] We need to stretch our legs because you've been driving a while.

[00:36:08] You know, stuff like that.

[00:36:09] You learn to tune in to other people.

[00:36:11] And I think that's important too.

[00:36:14] Absolutely.

[00:36:14] Have you guys ever been on a vacation, just the two of you before?

[00:36:18] I mean, was this the first time?

[00:36:20] Honestly, yeah.

[00:36:21] Oh, yeah.

[00:36:21] Okay.

[00:36:22] It's hard for him to get a vacation.

[00:36:25] Okay.

[00:36:25] It's hard for him to take.

[00:36:26] Normally he would take like a day off, day here, day there.

[00:36:29] And his vacation time would accumulate, but it would never be a long period of time.

[00:36:33] And so, except for when the girls were little and I think we went two or three times to Mexico,

[00:36:39] which is where he's from.

[00:36:40] But other than that, no, he's not one to take a lot of time off.

[00:36:45] And normally when his vacations in the last, since I think 2018, 2019 has been when our

[00:36:51] oldest daughter comes home, he'll take vacation days so he can spend time with her.

[00:36:55] So it's always been at the house.

[00:36:56] So he's never gone off.

[00:36:58] Now, my youngest daughter and I, we go off and we do a lot of things because whenever

[00:37:02] I decided that whenever my oldest daughter, since she's in California, whenever she's

[00:37:07] on the East coast, that if she's anywhere close for a conference, I'll take off and go

[00:37:12] see her because I have the flexibility where I can do my job from anywhere, basically.

[00:37:17] So I normally take off and go see her.

[00:37:20] So we've been to Nashville and went to Charleston.

[00:37:22] We're going to Pennsylvania soon.

[00:37:24] I mean, all these different places with her when she goes to a conference, if she's on

[00:37:27] the East coast, I'm going.

[00:37:29] Oh, wow.

[00:37:29] That's pretty neat.

[00:37:31] So when all these things started changing, when you hit 50, do you feel like that's when

[00:37:37] you found your purpose in life?

[00:37:38] Or do you feel like you're still, I mean, do you feel like you found it or do you feel

[00:37:43] like it's evolving?

[00:37:44] It changes all the time.

[00:37:46] I think evolving and changing, because I think when we get set in our ways and we get

[00:37:51] set, okay, this is our purpose, then we're not likely to change anything.

[00:37:55] And we get stagnant and we get stubborn and we get like defiant a little bit when there

[00:37:59] is a little bit of a change.

[00:38:01] Cause a lot of people, if they're not, if they're set in their ways, they don't want

[00:38:04] change at all.

[00:38:05] And they don't want to acknowledge anybody changing and they don't want to change themselves.

[00:38:09] And so me, I don't think, I think right now I'm in a good place, but who knows a week

[00:38:15] later, God may show something else up and say, you know what?

[00:38:18] You thought you were in a good place, but guess what?

[00:38:20] I got something better.

[00:38:21] I got something worse coming down the line.

[00:38:23] Something to teach you.

[00:38:25] So honestly, I mean, looking back, even my girls have noticed in the last couple of years,

[00:38:31] how much I've changed because my oldest daughter said, I don't think of you as my mom.

[00:38:35] And I got really mad at that point.

[00:38:37] And she's like, hold on.

[00:38:38] And before I would have just shut down and not said anything to her, but she says, hold

[00:38:42] on, let me finish the sentence.

[00:38:43] She says, I don't think of you as my mom.

[00:38:45] I think of you as a friend who happens to be my mom.

[00:38:48] She says, because now I'm grown, I really don't need my mom to take care of me and do

[00:38:53] all the things that moms did when they were little.

[00:38:56] She says, I think of you as a friend because I can go off and do cool things with you and

[00:39:01] everything else.

[00:39:02] And I thought, okay, that showed me that I'm the type of mom that I wanted to be with my

[00:39:07] girls.

[00:39:07] That's awesome.

[00:39:08] And then my middle daughter, who I've always had kind of a relation, she was her Nana's

[00:39:13] biggest cheerleader.

[00:39:14] So she didn't see the relationship I had with my mom, but I never told her that she couldn't

[00:39:19] have a relationship with her Nana.

[00:39:21] I never told her that, but she would always kind of like bad mouth me and like, why aren't

[00:39:26] you around Nana?

[00:39:26] And I'm like, well, because I have to do it for myself.

[00:39:29] But when my mom broke her hip right before she died, my daughter was saying something

[00:39:33] about what happened in her childhood.

[00:39:35] And I was like, I don't remember that happening.

[00:39:38] I was like, really that happened?

[00:39:40] I said, well, I don't remember it happening.

[00:39:41] And then I looked at her and I said, but if it did, I'm sorry, because that's how you

[00:39:47] remember it happening.

[00:39:49] So it's valid what you're feeling right now.

[00:39:51] And then I looked at her and I said, what I just did to you, I said, it's something that

[00:39:56] my mom has never done for me.

[00:39:58] And I said, and that is why I have such a relationship with my mom.

[00:40:02] I said, I want to change and be a better mom to you learning from the mom that I had.

[00:40:08] And I think my mom did the best she could the way she was brought up.

[00:40:12] Right.

[00:40:13] But I also know my mom had favorites and I understand why, because when my dad, my two

[00:40:19] oldest sisters were born, my dad was deployed a lot because even the Marine Corps.

[00:40:24] So my mom only had the two girls.

[00:40:26] And so she kind of bonded with them more.

[00:40:29] And then when my sister Karen and I came along, my dad was home.

[00:40:32] My dad was at the end of his military career.

[00:40:34] So he was home more.

[00:40:35] So we bonded with my dad.

[00:40:37] So I get that, but still that didn't, to me, that was like, oh, I really wanted to do

[00:40:43] things with my mom, but I was never afforded the opportunity to just do things just with

[00:40:48] my mom.

[00:40:49] Wow.

[00:40:50] Yeah.

[00:40:50] And it takes a lot to, especially if you can't remember the incident, or at least you don't

[00:40:56] remember it in the way your child does.

[00:40:57] It would take a lot to say, you know, I get that, that that's how you remember it.

[00:41:03] And I'm sorry if that's, if that's how you feel.

[00:41:06] So yeah, I can't do on that.

[00:41:09] I told her too.

[00:41:10] I said, you're going to learn when you have kids of your own, that as parents, we make

[00:41:13] mistakes.

[00:41:14] Nobody's perfect.

[00:41:15] I said, you're going to make mistakes with your children.

[00:41:18] Just like I made mistakes with you.

[00:41:19] I just hope that you learn from the mistakes that I made and that you don't do it with

[00:41:24] your children and the mistakes that you made with your children, your children don't carry

[00:41:27] it on to their children.

[00:41:28] I said, because that's when the generational curses start happening.

[00:41:32] Right.

[00:41:32] And I chose to break it because I'm like, I can't do this anymore.

[00:41:36] I can't be an awful person to my, to everybody, you know, cause I just didn't feel happy in

[00:41:41] myself when I was just negative Nancy around everybody.

[00:41:45] I'm like, that's not me.

[00:41:46] That's not who I am.

[00:41:47] So.

[00:41:47] Right.

[00:41:48] And you can also see, especially with like siblings, you know, they grow up in the same

[00:41:53] house at the same time, but they come away sometimes with very different experiences.

[00:41:58] So people internalize things differently too.

[00:42:01] So it's interesting to see all that.

[00:42:04] Yeah.

[00:42:05] Yeah.

[00:42:05] And the thing is sometimes even the siblings will think, they'll think, oh, well, mom was

[00:42:11] such a great mom to me.

[00:42:13] She was such a great mom.

[00:42:14] Why are you like this?

[00:42:15] And I'm like, well, she was a great mom to you, but to me, she was a totally different

[00:42:20] mom.

[00:42:20] And yeah, as a parent, you parent your child different because each child is different.

[00:42:25] You have to kind of learn parenting skills.

[00:42:28] And with the middle, my middle daughter, I will honestly say, yes, I parented her a little

[00:42:32] bit different because she was a little bit harder for a kid as a teenager to raise, but

[00:42:38] that didn't mean I didn't love her more.

[00:42:39] That didn't mean that I didn't want to spend time with her.

[00:42:41] And I even told her, Hey, I want to spend some time with you.

[00:42:44] I want to do this.

[00:42:44] And then she's slowly realizing this and she wants to do things with me now.

[00:42:49] Oh, that's wonderful.

[00:42:51] So I have to ask you, has the, do you feel like the blogging and the podcast, do you feel

[00:42:57] like that those have totally changed your life?

[00:43:00] Do you think that was part of, of this journey?

[00:43:04] Yes, it has.

[00:43:05] Because I always felt like, but especially with the podcasting is my tagline is where every

[00:43:11] voice is heard because my voice wasn't heard for so long.

[00:43:14] So I'm like, I'm opening, I open up the doors for people to come in and tell their story.

[00:43:19] Sometimes I may not agree with some of the people on some of their viewpoints, but at least

[00:43:24] every episode, I can at least glean one little bit tidbit that I can take with me and say,

[00:43:31] I've learned something to this episode.

[00:43:33] And there hasn't been one episode yet that I haven't learned at least one thing from,

[00:43:38] or the person has like shaken me and defined me.

[00:43:41] I use the word scapegoat a lot only because I read this book.

[00:43:46] I cannot remember the name of the book, but it's by Laura Connell.

[00:43:50] And she actually came on the podcast and we talked about her book and scapegoating.

[00:43:56] I'm like, oh my gosh, this is me.

[00:43:57] This is me.

[00:43:58] This is me.

[00:43:59] And I originally had not even, her publicist reached out and I was like, okay, yeah, it

[00:44:03] sounds great.

[00:44:04] Let her on.

[00:44:05] But as I was reading the book, I'm like, there was a reason why I was led for her to come

[00:44:08] on.

[00:44:09] I'm like, there are, you know, there are so many different angles and so many different

[00:44:13] stories out there and so many things that we can learn from each other when we sit down

[00:44:17] and we have a conversation instead of yelling or talking over people are just, okay, I'm

[00:44:22] going to let you talk, but then I'm not going to listen to anything you say.

[00:44:25] Cause that's frustrating.

[00:44:26] You know, when you're saying something that you don't want to do something.

[00:44:30] And then the very next minute, somebody is coming out of their mouth.

[00:44:32] Well, you need to do this.

[00:44:33] And it's the same exact thing that you just said that you don't want to do.

[00:44:37] I mean, people aren't listening.

[00:44:38] So I feel like people coming on and listening and talking and having conversations like what

[00:44:44] we're having right now, where we're listening to each other and we're feeding off each other

[00:44:47] and we're asking each other questions or, or, you know, wanting to learn more information.

[00:44:51] I think that's important.

[00:44:52] And I think society has gotten away from that.

[00:44:55] I think we're so quick to point out what's wrong with what everybody is doing and what's

[00:45:00] wrong with what you're doing or what you're doing or what you're doing instead of sitting

[00:45:03] down, talking about it and maybe finding a common viewpoint, someplace where we can meet

[00:45:10] in the middle to learn from each other.

[00:45:12] Because we're also set in our ways that when we stop learning and we just stay stagnant and

[00:45:17] we're just like, Ooh.

[00:45:19] I agree a thousand percent.

[00:45:21] And I, I feel the same way.

[00:45:23] You know, every person that comes on, I feel like they've always got something that I'm going

[00:45:27] to learn from them.

[00:45:28] And hopefully the listeners are learning right along with me and we might be picking up different

[00:45:33] things, but we're all learning something.

[00:45:35] And even if we disagree, like you said, there's always common ground.

[00:45:40] I just, I see that more and more all the time.

[00:45:43] There's always something that you can come together on if you try.

[00:45:46] Yep.

[00:45:47] So, so how do you feel about, I feel like with blogging and the podcast, both that, you know,

[00:45:54] at least at certain times you have to make yourself vulnerable.

[00:45:57] How does that make you feel?

[00:45:59] It used to be very hard for me to come off to tell people my story.

[00:46:05] It used to be very hard.

[00:46:06] I would always put on this great big smile and like, nothing bothers me that.

[00:46:12] But as I dug in deeper into the blogging and to the podcasting and learning and having a

[00:46:18] few close people in my tribe, I mean, I used to be one that wanted a lot of friends, but

[00:46:23] now I realized it's, I'd rather have a few, five or six good friends that I know in the

[00:46:29] moment, if I need them, I can pick up the phone and they'll be right there that know me authentically

[00:46:34] and know who I am and not worry about the facade that people put up.

[00:46:39] Then I'd much rather have that.

[00:46:41] And I think that's when I decided, you know, Hey, if I'm going to be, if I'm going to put

[00:46:46] that out there as my authentic self to the real world with my friends and everybody, then

[00:46:50] I need to put that out to everybody.

[00:46:53] This is who I am.

[00:46:54] Unapologetically.

[00:46:55] Yeah.

[00:46:56] I struggle just like everybody else.

[00:46:58] And I, every time when I go with the podcast, when people come on, I talk about sometimes

[00:47:03] when they're on say, yeah, you know what?

[00:47:05] That's happened to me too.

[00:47:05] Or sometimes I do a solo episode where I just talk about something that's really been on

[00:47:10] my mind.

[00:47:10] And I'm like, I just have to get this off my chest and it, and I get off my chest.

[00:47:16] And actually, honestly, it's funny because most of the time the solo ones are around faith

[00:47:21] based and they're the ones that skyrocket because it's something that's really on my heart that

[00:47:25] I just felt led to share.

[00:47:27] Oh, wow.

[00:47:28] That's pretty interesting.

[00:47:29] So do you ever worry about like a naysayer or somebody that's going to come against you,

[00:47:35] say something derogatory?

[00:47:38] In the beginning, 100%.

[00:47:40] I actually had a friend who is no longer a friend tell me because she was another blogger.

[00:47:45] She wanted, she wanted all blogs to read like a newspaper story that there should be no personal

[00:47:51] content.

[00:47:51] There should be no nothing and nothing.

[00:47:53] I'm like, well, you know what?

[00:47:54] That is you.

[00:47:55] That is how you do your blog.

[00:47:57] That is not how I do my blog.

[00:47:59] You don't pay for my hosting fees.

[00:48:01] You don't pay for any of the stuff that I do, any of the equipment that I use.

[00:48:05] You don't pay for anything.

[00:48:06] That's your opinion.

[00:48:08] I feel like Tamara Judge from The Real Housewife.

[00:48:10] That's my opinion.

[00:48:11] But I told her I just couldn't.

[00:48:14] She's like, you don't put stuff like that out in the world to read.

[00:48:17] I'm like, well, that's your life.

[00:48:19] My life is I'm choosing to put this out there because what my story may resonate with somebody

[00:48:25] else and they may say, you know what?

[00:48:27] I'm glad she wrote that because I thought I was the only one that felt that way.

[00:48:31] The only one that thought that way.

[00:48:32] And I actually, a couple of weeks later, a friend of mine actually came up to me and

[00:48:37] said, I'm so glad you read that blog post.

[00:48:39] The one that the other friend has said that I shouldn't have wrote.

[00:48:42] Right.

[00:48:42] She says, I felt the same way you do.

[00:48:44] And I'm like, see?

[00:48:46] Oh, wow.

[00:48:47] That's pretty neat.

[00:48:48] There's some validation in that for sure.

[00:48:51] For sure.

[00:48:52] So do you think there's anything that we haven't talked about that you would want to make sure

[00:48:57] that the listeners hear today?

[00:48:58] I know I touched on my husband being from Mexico, but we are a multicultural family.

[00:49:04] Right.

[00:49:05] My oldest daughter is married to a Japanese American.

[00:49:08] He's three quarters Japanese and a quarter American.

[00:49:12] So we're a very multicultural family.

[00:49:15] I try very hard to incorporate traditions of Mexico, traditions of Japan and things in

[00:49:22] our family.

[00:49:23] I mean, I have an adopted son.

[00:49:26] I call him adopted.

[00:49:27] He's not really adopted, but he was one of my middle daughter's eighth grade boyfriends

[00:49:31] that just kind of stuck around.

[00:49:33] And he, I love him to death and he is an African-American.

[00:49:37] So it's like my family, we open the doors to everybody.

[00:49:40] I think the biggest thing I learned is I did a couple, I did an episode right when the George

[00:49:46] Floyd stuff was going on.

[00:49:48] For those that don't, he was the one that was killed by the police officers.

[00:49:51] And I did two episodes.

[00:49:53] I did one episode that was actually live on Facebook.

[00:49:57] This is when I was doing the lives and it was with a group of women of all different colors.

[00:50:02] And one of the things I learned from those women was the fact that I used to say all the

[00:50:07] time, I taught my girls not to see color.

[00:50:10] And they're like, well, you know what?

[00:50:12] That is kind of a racist comment.

[00:50:14] And my back went up and I was like, what do you mean?

[00:50:16] I thought it was anti-racist.

[00:50:17] And they're like, no, because you're choosing just the way you're saying it.

[00:50:22] And I'm not saying you're racist, but the way you're saying it, it sounds racist because

[00:50:27] you're not seeing our skin.

[00:50:29] You're not looking apart.

[00:50:32] Our skin is part of who we are.

[00:50:33] So you're not seeing a part of us.

[00:50:35] So you're not validating them in a way.

[00:50:37] And she's like, so instead of saying that, say, yes, I see your color, but I don't choose

[00:50:44] to have your color of your skin define how I treat you.

[00:50:48] And I'm like, that is so much better.

[00:50:49] But I would have never thought that.

[00:50:52] I wouldn't have thought that either.

[00:50:53] Yeah.

[00:50:54] I wouldn't have thought it's offensive in any way.

[00:50:56] Yeah.

[00:50:56] And so I never thought of that.

[00:50:58] But the fact that we sat down and we had that conversation where I had, I, you know,

[00:51:02] of course my oldest, my two older girls were on that call.

[00:51:05] Then I had a person that was Vietnamese.

[00:51:08] I had two African-American women.

[00:51:10] I also had a mindset coach, you know, I just wanted all viewpoints.

[00:51:13] And after I get off that call and I'm like, you know what I did, I did it.

[00:51:19] I loved it, but it's not done.

[00:51:21] It's not finished.

[00:51:22] I was like, I want, I think we need the male viewpoint on this because the male viewpoint

[00:51:27] is so different when you're talking to a man of color.

[00:51:31] It's so different with the way society treats them that I wanted them to come on and tell

[00:51:36] their story.

[00:51:37] And so I put it out there the next day.

[00:51:39] I'm like, thank you all for watching.

[00:51:41] You know, I am looking, I feel like when I hung up and when we finished, I feel like

[00:51:47] it wasn't finished.

[00:51:48] I feel like God said, it's not done yet.

[00:51:50] Oh, wow.

[00:51:51] You need to do a viewpoint.

[00:51:53] And one of my friends who I used to teach with, she voluntold her husband, he was going

[00:51:57] to go do it.

[00:51:58] She's like, you're doing it.

[00:51:59] She says, I said, I need volunteers.

[00:52:01] And she's like, my husband will do it even before she told him, she's like, he's going

[00:52:04] to do it.

[00:52:05] And so I had some really amazing men come on and talk about their struggles and, you know,

[00:52:10] and I had, I had the global version too, because I chose to do, well, there was one Caucasian

[00:52:18] man, but he was a preacher.

[00:52:20] And then one African-American man, one man that was from Trinidad and Tobago, because I

[00:52:25] wanted the worldview of racism.

[00:52:27] How, you know, how is it different from the United States?

[00:52:29] And then I had a Samoan come on.

[00:52:32] And it was just great conversations and to hear the different cultures and how the cultures

[00:52:37] react to different things and how they're raising their kids that are African-American

[00:52:42] kids, how they're raising them, how they have to teach them things that Caucasian people

[00:52:47] don't even think, or white people don't think about having to teach their kids.

[00:52:50] Like, don't put your hands in your pockets.

[00:52:52] Don't put your hoodie up when you go into the store.

[00:52:54] Oh, wow.

[00:52:54] Right.

[00:52:55] Because of how stereotype and how the racist and the prejudice in this country.

[00:52:59] And I just was like, you know, I thank you so much for coming on and being this vulnerable

[00:53:04] about it.

[00:53:05] Right.

[00:53:06] For sure.

[00:53:07] But I think, I don't know, maybe it's just my point of view, but I think if someone, if

[00:53:13] any young male or mid twenties male, anybody, any color puts a hoodie up and sticks his hands

[00:53:20] in his pocket and he's, yeah, especially if they're fidgeting around or something, I'm

[00:53:24] going to be on alert just because I don't know what they're going to do.

[00:53:28] You know what I mean?

[00:53:29] We're just kind of taught to be on alert and it's not necessarily because they're a man

[00:53:33] of color.

[00:53:34] It's just because it's a man and I'm a woman and I know stronger.

[00:53:40] You know what I'm saying?

[00:53:41] So it's, so there's different aspects to it, but yeah, that's fascinating.

[00:53:45] Do you feel like God led you to create the podcast or do you feel like God's just working

[00:53:50] podcast?

[00:53:51] Both.

[00:53:52] Both.

[00:53:52] Okay.

[00:53:53] Good answer.

[00:53:54] I think he led me to it because I would have never thought about doing it my own.

[00:53:58] I mean, honestly, like I never knew when 20, let's see, 2015 is when I decided to go blogging

[00:54:04] full time.

[00:54:05] 2018 was when I bought the, I said, okay, I'm done.

[00:54:09] I need the office outside of my home.

[00:54:11] If it's not going to be like me going in the car and driving, it's going to be, and my

[00:54:15] husband even tried to tell me, no, you don't need this.

[00:54:17] I was like, I'm paying for it.

[00:54:18] Forget it.

[00:54:19] That would be my husband.

[00:54:22] It's like, I'm paying for it.

[00:54:24] No, if I'm going to pay for it.

[00:54:26] And I actually wish now looking back, he talked me into the smaller building.

[00:54:32] Oh, wow.

[00:54:32] But I wish looking back that I had gotten the bigger one because I never knew that it was

[00:54:38] going to be the podcast.

[00:54:39] I never knew because then I would be able to have a devoted side for podcasts.

[00:54:44] I don't have to take down the podcast stuff or put the podcast stuff up or, or get situated

[00:54:48] for the podcast.

[00:54:48] Like right before we came on, I had to switch.

[00:54:51] And you can see right here, it's got a little window.

[00:54:53] I had to switch the computer because the window glare was coming straight on.

[00:54:58] No, I would have been able to just had a full setup that I wouldn't even have to worry

[00:55:01] about.

[00:55:01] And I could have done more live.

[00:55:03] I was going to ask if you have them and people come to the blog cabin or if you just do zoom.

[00:55:09] I mean, more shows that people were in studio with too.

[00:55:12] And I love that too.

[00:55:14] I do, I do.

[00:55:17] Majority of them are through like zoom or stream yard or something like that.

[00:55:21] Oh, wow.

[00:55:21] But most of the time I love it when people come in because then I get interact and I can

[00:55:25] feed off of them.

[00:55:27] And the energy is so much better when you're actually interacting with what I know that

[00:55:31] people can't travel here to what I've talked to.

[00:55:35] And so it's been, you know, cause I've talked to people from all over the world that I never

[00:55:39] would have talked to because of the podcast.

[00:55:42] That's what I say.

[00:55:43] I've met people that I wouldn't have met in 10 lifetimes, you know, just because I'm

[00:55:48] doing the podcast.

[00:55:49] So it definitely, I don't think you can come away from doing something like this without

[00:55:54] being changed from it.

[00:55:55] I really don't.

[00:55:56] For sure.

[00:55:57] So if people want to reach out to you or they want to find you, follow you, where's the best

[00:56:03] place for them to find you?

[00:56:05] Okay.

[00:56:06] I'm very active on Instagram.

[00:56:08] I'm frugal mom on Instagram.

[00:56:09] You can find that anywhere.

[00:56:11] There's links to my blog on the Instagram.

[00:56:13] It's adventures of frugal mom.

[00:56:15] But if you type in adventures, frugal mom.com, that's where you get, it's not adventures of

[00:56:20] a frugal mom.

[00:56:21] I have so many people type in a, and I'm like, it is not an A.

[00:56:25] There's no A there.

[00:56:26] But yeah, just reach out to me.

[00:56:29] I mean, there's a contact page on my blog.

[00:56:31] There's a contact page and email me messaging me page on Instagram.

[00:56:34] If they want to reach out and chat, if they want to be on the guest on the podcast as well.

[00:56:39] I'm always looking for guests.

[00:56:41] And so I just don't want to talk about anything basically.

[00:56:45] I mean, cause I think it's important that we have conversations with each other and we

[00:56:48] actually talk to each other about stuff.

[00:56:51] Oh, I absolutely do too.

[00:56:52] And I love what you're out there doing and I love your mission.

[00:56:55] So thank you for doing what you do.

[00:56:58] Well, thank you for having me on.

[00:56:59] Absolutely.

[00:57:00] And I've enjoyed today.

[00:57:02] So I appreciate you coming on.

[00:57:04] Thank you.

[00:57:06] All right.

[00:57:06] Thank you.

[00:57:07] Bye-bye.

[00:57:08] All right.

[00:57:08] Bye.

[00:57:09] As we wrap up today's episode, I hope Melissa sharing her knowledge, experience, and wisdom

[00:57:14] has helped you in some way.

[00:57:16] I think one of the things that Melissa shows us is how impactful our childhood really is,

[00:57:21] or even just your experiences in life, how impactful they can be.

[00:57:25] You can learn to overcome them and grow as a person,

[00:57:29] or you can be stunted by them.

[00:57:30] It's truly a choice.

[00:57:32] I also loved how Melissa showed us that turning 50 is just a starting point.

[00:57:37] It's not an ending point.

[00:57:39] She's made sure that she has new experiences and continues to set personal goals.

[00:57:44] She isn't slowing down for anything or anyone.

[00:57:47] And I love that.

[00:57:48] I hope you enjoyed today's show.

[00:57:50] I would love to hear from you as always.

[00:57:52] And with that, I hope you have a blessed week, my friends.

[00:57:58] Thank you for listening to The Beauty and the Mess.

[00:58:01] If you enjoyed what you heard, please share it with a friend.

[00:58:04] And if you haven't already, please subscribe, rate, and review this podcast on your favorite

[00:58:08] pod player.

[00:58:09] If you have any questions or comments, any topic ideas you would like to hear about,

[00:58:14] or you think you would be a great guest on the show,

[00:58:16] you can reach me directly at thebeautyandthemess.com.

[00:58:19] Thanks for listening.