Ep. 152 Caregiver Burnout, Guilt, and Self-Care with Beth Meek

[00:00:06] I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess, a community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth, and connection to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories. Through engaging, honest, and insightful conversations, the show will help you embrace the mess to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures to help you start making a mindset shift. Let's listen, learn, and reclaim who we were meant to be.

[00:00:35] Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess. Today's conversation is one that I think so many people are going to relate to, especially those who have found themselves caring for a loved one or a friend. My guest today is Beth Meek, a holistic nutrition and health coach who helps midlife caregivers redefine self-care in a way that actually works for real life. Beth's journey into this work came through two deeply personal caregiving sessions, first caring for her mom through Parkinson's and dementia,

[00:01:03] and later helping care for a close friend who was recovering from a stroke. While caregiving can be incredibly meaningful, Beth shares the reality that many people don't talk about enough. The exhaustion, the guilt, the isolation, the grief, and the way caregivers often lose themselves in the process. In this episode, we talk about what caregiving really does to a person emotionally, mentally, and physically, and why self-care often feels impossible during those seasons of life,

[00:01:32] and how small moments of care can actually become survival tools. We also dive into emotional eating, burnout, boundaries, resentment, anticipatory grief, and why asking for help is so much harder than it should be. This is a really honest conversation about the invisible weight so many caregivers carry every single day. Hi, I'm Michele Simms, your host. I'm just a regular person who, like so many others, have faced my fair share of messes.

[00:01:59] Life hasn't always been neat or easy, but it's taught me a lot. And somewhere along the way, I got deeply curious. How do other people make it through their messes and not just survive, but thrive? That started my pursuit. I started searching for stories, wisdom, real strategies, not only for myself, but for anyone looking for a better way forward. Maybe there's a faster way, a softer way, a more human way, and maybe we don't have to figure it out alone.

[00:02:26] I believe we grow through shared stories, lived wisdom, and the beautiful mess of being human. So welcome to the conversation. I'm so glad you're here. Please join me for episode 152 of the The Beauty in the Mess called Caregiver Burnout, Guilt, and Self-Care with Beth Meek. So without further ado, let's get into it. Hi, Beth. Welcome to the Beauty and the Mess. I'm so glad to have you with me today. Hi, Michelle. Thank you. I'm very glad to be here. Awesome.

[00:02:56] Now, before we get into your background on what you do today, I was wondering if you could tell us some of your background story. What's led you to where you're at here in life? Yeah, that's a good question. Well, I guess the short version would be that I studied holistic nutrition, and I became a health coach, and I was working in the health industry and retail and all, and my mom got sick.

[00:03:23] And I live in Western Canada, and my mom, where I grew up, is in Western New York. In order to, yeah, to help with anything, and I did a lot of traveling until I did, and until it was time for me to move back there. But she had Parkinson's and dementia, and it seemed to progress pretty rapidly based on the fact she fell a lot, and surgeries where dementia are concerned caused that dementia to accelerate.

[00:03:52] But anyways, I was working in the health and wellness industry, and when I had to move there to help take care of my mom, I lost my job, but I didn't lose my husband. My husband stayed here to work and keep the home fires burning. And my mom passed in 2017. I stayed there until she did in November, and I came home, and I was thoroughly exhausted,

[00:04:19] anxious, grieving, guilt-stricken, like everything that caregivers do. I hadn't taken care of myself, even though I knew what to have done. I wasn't able to fit it in, wasn't able to do that on the road. So my first thought was, there have to be other women who are experiencing this, who aren't taking care of themselves during this difficult season of caregiving, and I want to help them. I need to help them.

[00:04:47] But as the story goes, I had to pay the bills, and so I went back to work. And it was just in 2024, June, that I said to my husband, I need to stop working for other people if I'm going to start helping caregivers and work for myself. And it was a stretch, but we did it. Wow. Yeah, it's challenging, right? It's challenging to start a business, right? It is, yeah. Then a friend of ours had a stroke, and she was in the hospital, and she couldn't go home.

[00:05:16] Her situation wasn't a mobility, but it was speech and cognitive, understanding of words and things like that. So she was able to be released, but she couldn't live on her own. So she came to live with my husband and I for a few months so that she could continue her therapy, so that we could talk with her and help her. And I'm really happy to say that she was able to progress, and she's living in an assisted living place now here in town.

[00:05:44] So it was after that that it felt like I had a tap on my shoulder and said, okay, now is the time, and that was January of 2025, to focus on caregivers. So my nutrition background kicked in. I wanted to help everybody eat plant-based, which is what my husband and I do, smoothies, salads, help them understand nutrition and everything and create programs and memberships. And something else came to mind that said,

[00:06:12] Beth, did you have time for this when you were caregiving, especially for your mom? And the answer is absolutely not. Rarely does a caregiver have the time for that much effort. So I rethought what I was doing. And so what I created for the caregiver is, first, I do coach, but I don't even lead with that because so many caregivers don't have time for even something like we're doing, right? Sit down and Zoom or whatever.

[00:06:38] So I've created digital products that meet her where she is, whether it's in the doctor's office or sitting with her mom while she's falling asleep, while she's watching TV or something, so that she can find some relief. There are many videos, many audios, inspirational, educational, journal prompts, repair scripts, all sorts of things like that that meet her in the moment of whatever she might be needing at the time. The caregivers are just unsung heroes,

[00:07:07] and they need to understand, first of all, that self-care isn't selfish. I think we've grown up that self-care is selfish, that we see that taking time for ourselves is selfish. But I also believe that self-care needs to be redefined for caregiving because we tend to think that looks like a spa day or getting our hair cut or a massage or a weekend away. And that does not fit the caregiver's unpredictable, hectic life.

[00:07:35] It's those many moments, those many respites, those many times that she can take a moment for herself. And that's what we have to redefine so that she sees that as self-care and understands the necessity of it as opposed to that it's a luxury. Yeah, I've been a caregiver a few times in my life as well, and I know many people who have. And I think the guilt is one thing we battle because society kind of frames it that,

[00:08:05] I don't, martyr's probably too big of a word, but you know what I'm saying. You're driven to take care of this person, and everybody around you is now expecting you to take care of this person. And you feel like if you, you know, everybody's judging you, for lack of a better word, that if you take a minute, they're going to say, well, what are you doing? You're supposed to be constantly taking care of this person. So the guilt is huge. Absolutely.

[00:08:31] But I think the other part is the emotional and physical exhaustion, right? You just feel exhausted because it's draining. Yeah, absolutely. So how do you get past in that moment? How do you get past the emotional drain and the physical exhaustion to even want to do something? Take care of ourselves in that moment. Who's going to take care of our loved ones if we can't?

[00:08:58] We cannot take care of them from our bed or a hospital bed or something even worse. The statistics are staggering that between 40 and 60 percent, and I think it's around 50, but I don't like to say that because it could be changing, and I'm in Canada, and the States might be different, things like that. But caregivers don't outlive the person they're caring for. So I guess what I'd first... That's huge. Yeah. Like I said, staggering. Yeah.

[00:09:25] So I'd say that the first thing is the mindset, that we have to understand that we have got to carve a little time out or take those momentary times throughout the day for ourselves. And it's a thought process first, and then it is a boundary issue. It is, as far as exhaustion is concerned, it's a help to work and deal with the exhaustion so that you have some time for yourself.

[00:09:53] Some might be asking for some help and or setting boundaries. Like I said, maybe it's your loved one has a doctor's appointment and you have a friend or a family member or someone that could take them, but you just kind of go through and do what you need to do, but set that boundary and say, no, I'm not going to be able to take her. I need to reach out to someone to take her to that doctor's appointment. Or him or her. I just always say her because it was my mom. To that doctor's appointment.

[00:10:24] And then do something for yourself. As I say it, I know sometimes it sounds maybe like easier said than done and easy for you, but it comes from changing your mind about that guilt, the thought that I'm supposed to be doing this, that others tell me I'm supposed to be doing this. First of all, we've got to determine when that judgment or when that guilt or whatever comes from someone else or when it comes from ourselves. We can't change other people.

[00:10:52] That being said, we can't set boundaries, but we can change ourselves. We can change our own thoughts and our own mind about that self-care. And I do just encourage women to talk to someone about it because the other thing, when we're in the throes of caregiving, you can't see the forest through the trees, if that's the right way to say that. It's hard to think of solutions when you're in the middle of it. You need someone on the outside,

[00:11:22] preferably someone who's been there so that someone doesn't say, just take a weekend away because we know that that's not always and most of the time not available. But we need that person from the outside, in my opinion, to be able to say, have you thought of this? Did you try this? What does this part of your day look like? And if you want me to go on, I can go on, I have a friend, unless you want to move on. I just have a story I was going to share of a friend who was a caregiver.

[00:11:52] She still is a caregiver for her mom, but her mom used to live with her. And now her mom lives in a facility. But she had a respite one Saturday and we went out to lunch. And so I just said, how are things going? What's going on? Blah, blah, blah. And she said, you know what I miss most? Is my evening wind down ritual. Before bedtime, she would maybe go on the computer. She's kind of a late night gal. She would do a webinar or a learning, or she would take a relaxing bath.

[00:12:22] And so I started talking her through some things. I said, first of all, when does your mom go to bed? And she says, with me. And I said, what time is that? 11, 12, one. It's like, okay, we've got some room here, some wiggle room. I said, how about saying to your mom, oh, her mom, because of her condition, she didn't have the thoughts to say, oh, I need to go to bed now. It's time to go to bed, whether it was nine or 10 or something. I said, how about you make the suggestion? It's bedtime at whatever normal time it would be,

[00:12:51] in her 10 or something. Go get mom ready for bed. Help her to get to bed. And then you come out, back out and do those things, those wind down. Hadn't crossed her mind. I texted her a couple of days. And she said, it's working like a charm. Of course it's working. Mom doesn't know any different. And of course she wasn't asking her to go to bed in the early evening or the afternoon. It was a normal bedtime, right? But it gave her that buffer time that she needed,

[00:13:21] but she hadn't seen it. She hadn't thought of it. So I think we can be creative, but we can't always see those creative options in the middle of what we're doing. Yeah, and I think you brought up a couple of great points. And one that usually the person that we're getting the most judgment from or battling the most is ourselves because of how we've been raised. Like I was always raised, you take care of yourself. You do what you need to do. Don't ask for help, you know.

[00:13:49] And so then when you're taking care of someone else, all that still, you think all that still applies. And you struggle because of that a little bit. So yeah, of course. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, and that's normal. It is very normal. We aren't perfect human beings and there's no judgment. It's just we need some help sometimes to see those things even in our own minds and our own brains

[00:14:18] that are actually sabotaging us a little. It does. And I think the other thing you brought up that's huge is when we were going through our things, no doctor, no one ever suggested to us to go to a support group. And it was before the Facebook groups and all that stuff. And so we never even, like you said, it never even occurs to you. And had we known other people that were going through the same thing or struggling or someone that understood,

[00:14:48] it would have made all the difference in the world, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I think so too. Because one of the other things, and you mentioned guilt and exhaustion and burnout and everything. One of the other things that is extremely common is isolation, right? We self-isolate. I was just going to say that. Yeah. And oftentimes friends and or family don't know what to say. They don't want to bother us. So they don't reach out as often and things like that.

[00:15:17] So some of that isolation is coming from others just not being themselves. And that's understandable. So what I usually recommend to the people that I talk with and work with is sometimes the caregiver has got to be the one to reach out. Even just to say, hi, how are you? Was thinking of you today. Just so that they stay in that steady rhythm, so to speak, and let that person know. Or if that person texts back and say, oh, I just didn't want to bother you.

[00:15:46] Just say, you know what? It's never a bother. I think self-isolation is a big problem because I know when it was me, I didn't want to burden other people with my issues, my problems, and I didn't want to complain to them or sound like I was complaining. And it was my own fault. And like you said, people pull back a little bit, but I think a lot of times we pull back ourselves. Yes. Yes. And part of that is that

[00:16:16] many of the people that are in our circle possibly don't understand. So it's like they can't help or they don't know what to say. And then they talk about things that you can't relate to. They're talking about their weekend away or their whatever it is. And your caregiving, you need to talk about something different and they can't relate. So it's almost like this barrier to communication. And what I did was saying was something about the fact

[00:16:45] that I encourage caregivers to reach out to those other, those friends that maybe don't know what to say and have been silent a bit and have been maybe with more withdrawn because that helps them see that you still do want that connection and it wouldn't be bothering you if they do connect with you or whatever and just say, hey, just wanted to touch base and say, hi, I miss our regular lunches or whatever. Because that,

[00:17:12] it just helps both parties understand that it's, and it, I guess it's working against that self-isolation, right? It's that. Oh yeah. Saying, okay, I'm not going to self-isolate. I'm going to reach out even if they don't know what to say back just so that there's a connection that continues. Well, like you said, even if you can't relate 100% to what they're saying because your life is so different at that moment, I think most of us welcome the distraction. Yes.

[00:17:42] We want to hear about their vacation because it's a distraction from whatever we're going through. Yes. Yes. And I don't think people realize that it still helps. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're right. It makes, it's kind of selfish. And actually you mentioned something earlier and it's about society. This is a self-sacrificial season, caregiving. And yeah, my theory is that it can't be so sacrificing that you lose yourself

[00:18:11] and or your health because this role of caregiving will end at some time and you will be left with who you are once again. And so anyways, you had said something, I don't remember exactly what it was, but about being self-sacrificing season. It is. And I think we're supposed to self-sacrifice. We're supposed to feel exhausted. We feel like all that's normal if you're taking care of somebody. Yeah. And so we don't allow ourselves to try to recoup. And I think

[00:18:39] you can get so lost in that season to your point that I don't even know how to explain it. It's just because you're so exhausted and you don't, you feel like you don't want to burden anybody and it can lead. What happened to me, I think, was that it manifested into physical problems. Yes. And I started having a lot of health issues and I think it was because I suppressed so much during that time. Yeah. And I'm still dealing with health issues to this day, right? Yeah.

[00:19:08] So it's something that if you don't take the precautions and you don't take care of yourself, this is long term. Once those health issues come, you're dealing with them for who knows how long. Yeah. Well, I think, I don't know the exact statement, but it is easier to help prevent than it is to cure. Exactly. Especially after something has reared its ugly head, whatever that might look like. And if you think about it,

[00:19:37] there's so much going on in our bodies all the time for something to become a symptom. It has to have been pretty much in there for some time for it to show in some way and in an outward way. So prevention and doing things that are helpful, whether it's stress related or food related, it doesn't matter. Both mindset, stress, coping mechanisms and venting and things like that, as well as diet

[00:20:06] and exercise and hydration and those things, they all go hand in hand because we're holistic beings. Yeah, I think you're 100% correct. So what surprised you the most during your caregiving season, especially with your mom? Was there anything that looking back, you're like, wow, I never expected that? Well, I think I didn't expect to come home or at the end of it

[00:20:36] and during it to be so out of touch with what I knew was good for me. To let things allow the stress and everything to take me down in such a way and get so exhausted and I've never been an anxious person, but I came home an extremely anxious person. You know, when's the phone going to ring or when the phone rings? Kind of bracing and that's very, very normal too, right? Always waiting for the next shoe to drop,

[00:21:06] waiting for something to happen, right? And knowing that if a phone call does come, it's never going to be good news. Mom's fallen or the surgery didn't go well or someone can't come and take over for you. So I think it surprised me that as much as I had taken care of myself, that it didn't take very long to erase that with poor habits. And what also surprised me

[00:21:34] is how devastating a season it can be just on all sides, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical. It just affected everything. And then you're grieving at the same time, that anticipatory grief. I don't think I ever, my dad had passed probably 20 years prior to that. I have to do the math, but plenty of time. And obviously mom was his caregiver. He had cancer. During the time.

[00:22:04] So I wasn't his caregiver at the time, but it was much different. So living it this way, the anticipatory grief was so daunting. It was just really something like a different situation in and of itself. So yeah, I didn't expect that probably, like I said, because of the way my dad had passed prior. I didn't have something so lengthy and so in my face every day. Wow.

[00:22:34] Yeah. And I think one thing that surprised me is the way we kind of justify things to ourselves, like being under high stress. But what I would tell myself, and I am, I'm very good at functioning under stress. I function very well. My brain, I can get through it. But it wasn't until my body started saying, hey, you're not doing so good. I was telling myself, I'm doing okay. I'm doing this. I'm making it. And I thought the stress

[00:23:03] wasn't harming me, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Until my body was like wrong, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe that's really what was happening to me too. It just was progressive and that's what I was surprised at, that it, it took me so far down that guilt or grief and physical path of illness. Well, grief itself can be horrendous,

[00:23:33] obviously, to go through. And then when you're already exhausted, when that happens, mentally, emotionally, every which way. Yeah. Yeah. It has to compound the whole thing, I'm sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And living that grief every single day, knowing that it's not the end, but that it could be and that it's coming to an end for my mom. Not every situation, and I'm careful to say that, not every caregiving situation ends with a death. Sometimes, I don't know, someone even having

[00:24:03] just a heart attack and you're nursing them back to health or whatever, or similar to our friend, just helping a person along when they've had a situation until they can get their health back. So it doesn't always end that way, but that, when it is and you know that this is going to end this way, this time, that grief, knowing that because you're living that every day and it does build up and that's another thing that I guess I didn't do very well

[00:24:32] is to have other people around me that I could vent. I like to say the word vent because it really is venting. It's just getting it all out and getting it off of your chest and out of your mind so that you can, it's a way of processing for a lot of people and some people process more internally and I am one of those as well, but when you're going through this and you feel like you're in isolation, you do need to project that out somewhere so that someone,

[00:25:02] not someone else can take that on but just so that you're not the only one carrying it so that you're not carrying it all internally. Exactly. And I know it's not the same by any means but I think we all grieve like changes in our life, changes in our health and it's not as profound obviously as when you lose a loved one but there's still some level of grief that a lot of us go through as you're going through this process because sometimes things change forever maybe or for a long time

[00:25:31] and human nature is to not like change I think so it makes it hard. Yeah. Yeah, that's very true. Life is messy in general terms whether it's moving or a job loss or retirement any of those things are things that are grieved and in different ways like you said but definitely are grieved and but not in the same way as a loved one

[00:26:00] but throughout life even menopause if you talk for me I work with mostly midlife women just because that's what I was and that's what my experience is with but there are a lot of changes that midlife women go through right? Physical and emotional and emptiness and then maybe taking care of the grandkids and then possible job or career changes is huge for women in their midlife right? And or a job loss or a move and then menopause and all that stuff and then you put

[00:26:30] caregiving on top of that yeah it's probably the straw that breaks the camel's back in most cases because it's the most extreme I think of those transitions that we can go through but we can live through them we just have to understand first of all I love to give the message of help and hope because I do think that there are a lot of women who don't even realize how much help there is out there for family caregivers

[00:27:00] and that there is hope that there this is just not it's not where you have to stay forever and getting our mind and our body and everything to understand that to be hopeful and to be looking for the better after this and or during it the beauty and the mess I mean really that is the hope of it and when we can rise above that's kind of rising above our circumstances

[00:27:29] and I'm not very good at that most of the time I can talk about it and I can help other people with it more than I can do it myself but it's rising above those circumstances and knowing that you're changing even when it doesn't feel like it even when you're giving your all there is growth and personal development and things happening and you're getting more patient more aware more conscious of what your body needs and different things like that

[00:27:59] so I don't even know how I got off on this but I think that's kind of important I love sharing that hope and hope is always available absolutely and don't you think it's kind of a strange dynamic that is such a draining process a lot of times but yet when you get down the road and you look back you wouldn't have it any other way yes you know what I'm saying you're grateful that you did what you did and you were there and yeah that's when you can give yourself a little thanks I think yeah when you get

[00:28:29] down the road like I'm grateful I did what I did and for you you got to spend that precious time with your mom yes and yeah yes you're right and that is for was for me the beauty in the mess those moments that I can look back on now were they big memories absolutely not but they were small moments that I had personally and privately most of the time with my mom and yeah you said something else I was going to comment on but that's okay

[00:28:58] oh it was the hardest and best thing I've ever done because yeah you're helping someone I was thinking of this the other day you're actually helping someone do things that they just can't do without you they're completely dependent on you and I'm as a mom we know what that feels like for our babies and our children growing up right right they depend on us if a baby

[00:29:27] is left to its own defenses will die because it's not capable of doing those things that it needs done on its own and so too whatever the circumstance is for your loved one in my mom's case Parkinson's and dementia had just taken over everything so she was incapable of doing the things she normally did for herself but whatever the situation whatever age the person is they're incapable without you and so the

[00:29:57] opportunity that it is to share your life in that way with somebody and that's one of the reasons I want to help women so that it doesn't take their health away because it is so important and so necessary we do need to come out on the other side so like what's the most important if someone's listening and they're going through this right now what's the most important thing they should start doing today in your opinion oh well that's a

[00:30:27] huge question I suppose it all depends on what their situation is and where they're struggling the most but assuming it has to do with exhaustion and that they're not taking care of themselves I would suggest that they need to stop for a moment even today and say what do I think about self-care why am I not making a moment and a few moments every day for myself what is keeping me

[00:30:56] from doing that and then what when you can figure out what's keeping you from doing that how can you fit a few moments of self-care in but it goes back to making sure you understand that you are worth taking care of and that your self-care sorry your loved one's care the caregiving you're doing depends on your self-care when you only have a few moments that you can dedicate to self-care what does that look like I

[00:31:26] mean is it like calling a friend and trying to vent or is it hopping online maybe to support group or yeah well and again it depends on what you need if you have been so busy all day and you haven't drank a glass of water I would say sitting down and drinking a glass of water is one of the most important things you could do if you know that your self-isolation is out of this world and you haven't had connection other than your loved one or their doctors

[00:31:56] in like weeks or months then yes possibly sending your best friend or a person who you know isn't going to judge you in any way that's going to listen or at least be there for you sending them a text of some sort or a message whatever that looks like email the phone call if you have time some for some people it might be sitting down some women don't don't stop and by that I mean they go from making meals

[00:32:25] to doing the laundry to helping their mom get from the couch to the wheelchair or whatever and or into the bed or flicking changing the TV stations or for someone else or whatever and I think sometimes we're afraid to stop because we maybe won't be able to continue or we might get emotional because that let down but I think sometimes the best thing we can do is sit down for five minutes take the pressure off of

[00:32:55] our body by sitting down even closing your eyes and breathing deeply our nervous system and our vagal nerve needs digestion and everything needs deep breath in order to keep going and to stay and the nervous I can't even think of the word the nervous system needs to stay like calm you mean or yes calm and there's another word that I'm just is escaping me I apologize but breathing deeply diaphragmatically breathing deeply

[00:33:25] is not in here and this is where we're all used to breathing from we breathe and we don't our belly expands and then we breathe out and it contracts that's the deep breathing it needs to come from our gut our belly that's diaphragmatic breathing and that's the kind of breathing that actually resets your nervous system yeah so doing things like little things like that are very very helpful

[00:33:54] and this may sound like an odd statement but I believe it's true and I want to see what you think but if you don't allow yourself some self-care or some kind of a break or the deep breathing or whatever you want to do for yourself I feel like you can start to resent the person that you're taking care of which you never want to do but I don't know how to explain it does that make sense because I see it in some other people where it

[00:34:29] but you can just tell that it's building up towards that person when really you're doing it to yourself yes does that make sense absolutely absolutely that is so true and it's resenting in a way that person needing you because that doesn't allow you to need you and it can also be resentment towards other people who aren't stepping in possibly to help out right right

[00:34:59] who maybe aren't making your self-care very easy or very possible so yes resentment can be huge and Michelle actually you're not too far off base that resentment can be taken out on the loved one in unkindness or critical or a lack of caring way because the caregiver is so overwhelmed and that doesn't make it right

[00:35:28] it just makes what we're experiencing real right if you don't take care of yourself you will break and sometimes that break will be focused toward your loved one because that's who you're with and yes resentment right and all that's all an emotional overload that's an overwhelm it's not being able to handle one more thing so you explode we've all experienced that whether we're caregiving or not right we've thus

[00:35:57] taken on more and more and right and caregiving is no different but then that person in front of us is a person who needs our care and whatever and that's why I created repair scripts because when we're when we're exhausted we say things to ourselves as well as to other people that we could say differently and would say differently if we were in a different state and so those repair scripts come in handy because sometimes it's like oh my goodness

[00:36:27] how do I even approach that friend or that sibling or that aunt or uncle who meant so well but I just cut their head off because I was up to here with everything and so anyways and it's like I said a lot of times it's self-induced absolutely absolutely it is and it's I think one of the tricks is knowing when it is self-induced and when it is coming from the outside because when it's coming from the outside we can stop that or we can at

[00:36:57] least set boundaries we can ask people not to say something or whatever but we don't do that for ourselves but we need to so you talk about making self-care where it's not just yet another task on my list right so how do I do that how do I work it in but not stress myself yeah well one of the things I love to do is habit stacking so like

[00:37:27] when you're brushing your teeth I don't I can't even think of a good example make your grocery list or whatever do things at the same time I just was creating a product around food and how to what was it how to make meals meal times and oh no it's kitchen shortcuts things that you can do that help you so one was while you're actually preparing a meal create a grocery list while you're doing that like if you're cutting vegetables or

[00:37:57] cutting your chicken or preparing your potatoes or whatever it might be and you run out or you only have one onion left or whatever that might be start writing those things down because doing those things at the same time because later on either you're going to forget it or you're going to forget that you need to create that grocery list or you're going to then have to go back through your pantry and or refrigerator so things like that habit stacking seeing things little things that you do for yourself like

[00:38:27] a glass of water with you wherever you are or a water bottle that you're hydrating and or take an apple with you or take something that is quick to eat or munch on with you so I think it has to do with viewing self care as those little things that you do

[00:38:56] for yourself and then attaching them to things you already do or saying you know what when I pour my coffee in the morning I could just as easily pour a glass just as easily cut her orange at the same time she likes an orange a little later in the morning and doing those things at the same time now that isn't self care but it is a way of viewing your time and what you're doing and

[00:39:26] doing multiple things so that the efficiency is a little better I also like to help women I call it marrying your to-do list with your free time so there is free time that we all have caregiver or not that we squander away and whether it's scrolling or even sitting down and just resting or turning the television on or whatever I'm not saying this is always for caregivers but there are a lot of things we do that maybe

[00:39:56] are less productive that we could do something else in we self care your mom falls asleep while she's watching tv after her lunch and you're sitting there having just finished your lunch with her what are you going to do right so you might get up and do the dishes because they need doing why not just sit quietly and close your eyes for five minutes as well or pick up a

[00:40:26] book and read a couple pages of the book so those are things on your to-do list things you'd like to do and marrying those with pieces of free time throughout your day that you might expect or you might not expect that allow for those self care but you end up just keep going and then no you don't have a lot of free time whereas during the day you might have had a couple nuggets

[00:40:55] and you weren't even aware of them so I encourage women to write down where they have a few of those moments in their day some people are very structured some loved ones are very structured and they thrive on that so a caregiver's day might be very structured even if it's based around their care because they have a more structured day they can put those down and then when they have this to-do list they

[00:41:25] need to get in touch with someone or they need to plan a meal or they want to read a book and pick that up or want to take a course or to go to a support group they can try to marry those two together and knit them together apply one into the other and see how that comes out so those are a couple of the tricks that I'd like to help women with yeah thank you I would like to since you're a holistic nutritionist I would like

[00:41:55] to ask like those of us that have food issues right we use food for comfort how do we not do that in an extreme way during a caregiving season wow yeah that's a big one yeah I'm an emotional stress eater as well yeah and the biggest one goes back to what is actually missing when you're eating a donut or a cookie or chips or whatever it is something

[00:42:24] when you're upset or when you are just grabbing and that's coming from emotion and stress first I to break am I overwhelmed did

[00:43:04] I haven't had a real healthy meal for a while and so your body is just craving anything and why your body craves anything is in the hopes you will give it something it can use and nourishing and when you don't and why you're hungry afterwards is because it wasn't nourishing and your body couldn't use it in that way but I think it goes back to why what am I in the needing right now that I'm using food it's

[00:43:34] using a square peg to fit in a round hole so what is that round hole really what is that hole that I'm experiencing that I'm trying to fit that square peg of food into and you're right caregiving is huge for emotional eating because our emotions are so so high and in my the care for me toolbox which isn't complete but it is my big product I have a section for emotional eating I think it's that much

[00:44:03] of an issue for caregivers but what I would also encourage you to do if you struggle with that especially at home is to not have those foods at home say it's donuts just because donuts muffins whatever don't have those at home and then the only time you could eat those if you were out or on the road or if someone brought them to you and then when you get to that place of feeling I need something

[00:44:33] ask yourself what it is that you need because it's probably not that donut or muffin it's something emotionally maybe you need a hug maybe you need a cry maybe and

[00:45:16] or to satisfy that's really not a food issue it's an emotional issue and we've got to identify those and then once we do then we can deal with that if it's exhaustion then let's say I've got to have a nap how can I get a nap or if it's I need someone to relieve me I

[00:45:48] look for how and when that break can happen and again no judgment emotional eating is what it is but when we realize that it's not a food issue and or willpower issue it is all we're trying to satisfy an emotional need an emotional hole with a physical food and of course we don't go after the broccoli and lettuce because it doesn't taste the same I would

[00:46:18] agree I love broccoli and salads but when I am struggling with an emotion the only thing that works is sugar usually or chocolate but what works even better is dealing with that emotion and that is not something I can do I'm not a trained therapist or anything like that but I am an emotional eater and I know that it comes from inside and something really missing inside or something overwhelming

[00:46:47] yeah so I was just going to say if someone's listening and they're not the caregiver but they're a friend of a caregiver or a family member next that's an around a caregiver what would you suggest they do to help their loved one because I a good question and I love talking about specificity or being specific when you offer help don't

[00:47:17] just say let me know if you need anything or call me if you are free tomorrow or whatever don't leave it up to the caregiver because that's putting one more thing to do on the caregiver list that makes her responsible she's responsible for enough so if you're a loved one or a friend and you want to reach out and you love to cook or you would love to sit with her

[00:48:05] but I'll come and sit with your mom but if you like to cook say hey I'm making lasagna and I'd like to make you one making our family lasagna and we'll bring you one could I come for Thursday or Friday be specific offer the meal for a specific day if the caregiver has a meal planned or has plans to be out right they're going to be at a doctor's appointment so they're not going to be home or whatever she'll let you know she'll say you know what that doesn't work but it sounds wonderful could you

[00:48:35] bring it Saturday freeze it and bring it frozen Saturday or whatever that looks like or if you're free to offer a break when this week could I come over to give you an hour break when would that work and then the caregiver can go to her schedule and say you know what on Wednesday we don't have any doctor's appointments or anything how about Wednesday afternoon and so then you do

[00:49:13] needs because a caregiver has a lot of needs and she how do I say she might not even know what she needs at the time but when you offer that's when she'll be able to identify what it is that she needs but ask as much specifically as you can and if you can't don't offer that would be the other thing I'd say if you can't or have no intention of following through

[00:49:42] don't offer life happens for everybody and that's not a problem but and that is such a good question because I hey Thursday we're going to be out all day with mom and she really needs to eat Thursday night when I get home and

[00:50:12] I'm not going to have it in me would you bring a meal for Thursday and you don't like to cook I don't know that maybe then either you're feeling bad about to have to say no or you're going to feel bad about having to cook because I don't know if

[00:50:44] you need anything myself but I think you're 100% correct that it's so vague that it just blows right past the person you're saying it to because then that person starts feeling guilty like well if I yes yes yeah it's true it's true that's been my most

[00:51:14] helpful experience well I want to be respectful of your time and we're coming up on an hour so I want you to tell us about what you do oh and how you help people oh wow we haven't talked about that we do coach and I love coaching caregivers so if anybody needs to talk I enjoy listening as well and as I did with my friend offering suggestions and brainstorming things if you're in a particular bind or have a

[00:51:43] particular situation you're wanting to solve but what I really do have is some digital products the burnout breakthrough is one help you meet you where you're at in your moment of needing relief without needing to find your zoom link or whatever so those kinds of things but I like to help women practically and meet them

[00:52:13] where they are at like I said earlier I could talk about food and nutrition till the cows come home but if you don't have time for that or don't think you have time for that you're not going to be listening and so I don't want to talk to you about that I want to talk to you about where you're at and your needs at the moment and how I might help or how I might have resources or know of resources that could help I also lead a

[00:52:43] circle it's called circle on daughterhood dot org and it is a support group they just don't call them circles they call them circles and it's on self care it's on how to fit self care in and all those kinds of things and I'm just doing it once a month and yeah so and it's a free platform a daughterhood they have a blog and podcast she has a podcast yeah and mine is definitely not the only circle there's a whole schedule

[00:53:13] so there some are topic based so there's like one on dementia there's other ones about being younger caregiver or things like that and then there's other ones that are just connection you can just come in event and share whatever it I'm quite excited about that so anybody is welcome to visit me there or visit the platform and see what might

[00:53:43] work for them there but there are resources and I would love to just chat with any caregiver who felt like she really just didn't know where to go and I could see if I could direct her in some way that's wonderful so is there is that the only place they can find you or are there other like are you on social media or I am what is my handle Beth Walter meek I think is my Facebook I mean I know that's my personal profile

[00:54:12] I do have a Facebook group also called balanced life for the number caregivers and my website I have a fairly new website and it is simply bethmeekcoach.com so and that has the different things on it where you could work with me or just more about me a way of connecting with me or scheduling a free kind of call well I thank

[00:54:51] Michelle it was my pleasure to be here with you and your audience thanks thank you have a great weekend bye bye you too thank you as we wrap up today's episode I just want to say that was such an important conversation with Beth I think one of the biggest takeaways from this episode is that caregiving may be an act of love but it should never cost you your entire identity your health or yourself in the process Beth shared so many practical and compassionate reminders today especially the

[00:55:21] idea that self-care doesn't have to be some big elaborate thing sometimes it's just a glass of water five quiet minutes a deep breath asking for help or simply allowing yourself to matter too and honestly I think so many caregivers need permission to hear that what really stood out to me is how often caregivers feel isolated overwhelmed and guilty for even thinking about their own needs while silently carrying more than most people around them even realize so if you're in a caregiving season

[00:55:51] right now I

[00:56:42] as thanks for listening