Ep. 78 Cultivating Change and a Positive Mindset with Becky Upchurch

[00:00:06] I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess, a community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth, and connection to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories.

[00:00:17] Through engaging, honest, and insightful conversations, the show will help you embrace the mess to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures to help you start making a mindset shift.

[00:00:30] Let's listen, learn, and reclaim who we were meant to be.

[00:00:35] Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess.

[00:00:37] Today I'm welcoming Becky Upchurch to the show to share her journey with us.

[00:00:42] Becky is a mindset coach who specializes in helping busy women create time for themselves and their goals by learning to say no without fear, guilt, or worrying about what other people think.

[00:00:53] Both clients and audiences love Becky's ability to get to the heart of the matter in relatable ways that balance for all honesty with kindness and levity to inspire change.

[00:01:04] Becky believes that the fastest and the best way to achieve your goals is through practical, easy-to-implement strategies, managing your mindset, and trusting in your ability to create sustainable change.

[00:01:16] She strives to accomplish this in her own life through her motto of Love Self, Serve Others.

[00:01:23] Hi, I'm Michelle Sims, your host.

[00:01:25] I'm just a regular person who, along with my family, have had our share of messes that we too have had to overcome.

[00:01:31] Along the way, I got curious as to how others get through their messes and even triumph over them.

[00:01:36] Maybe there's a better way, a faster way.

[00:01:39] Maybe we can accelerate our journeys by learning from someone else.

[00:01:43] That started my pursuit.

[00:01:45] I think we can all learn from each other through the sharing of our experiences, lessons, and knowledge.

[00:01:50] So join me for episode 78 of The Beauty and the Mess called Cultivating Change and a Positive Mindset with Becky Upchurch.

[00:01:59] So without further ado, let's dive right into today's conversation.

[00:02:04] Hi, Becky.

[00:02:05] Welcome to The Beauty and the Mess.

[00:02:06] I'm so glad to have you with me today.

[00:02:08] I'm happy to be here.

[00:02:10] Thank you.

[00:02:11] Thank you.

[00:02:11] Now, I know you're a mindset coach, but before we dig into that, would you mind telling us a little bit about your backstory, at least?

[00:02:19] What led you down the path to becoming a mindset coach?

[00:02:23] Sure.

[00:02:23] I actually came to the world of coaching through the world of education.

[00:02:28] I started as a classroom teacher, and then I left the classroom to work as an instructional coach.

[00:02:34] And that's when I really did my first coaching training.

[00:02:37] And I loved it, and I had just a lot of aha moments, and I started realizing just how applicable it could be in so many different areas.

[00:02:47] And that kind of started me down the rabbit hole of wanting to look more into coaching.

[00:02:52] I ended up enrolling in an ICF accredited coaching program, and things went from there.

[00:02:57] And mindset is just something that I find so fascinating.

[00:03:01] I'm fascinated by how our brains work, how we think, why we do the things we do.

[00:03:06] And I think one of the things I find most fascinating is that oftentimes we do things we don't realize we're doing for reasons that we aren't aware of.

[00:03:14] And that, to me, is so strange but so common.

[00:03:18] I see it in my own life.

[00:03:19] I see it in other people's lives.

[00:03:21] So that's, I think, what keeps me coming back.

[00:03:23] Yeah.

[00:03:23] That's awesome.

[00:03:24] I know you talk about the quickest, most sustainable way or the way to achieve the most sustainable change.

[00:03:31] So could you explain to us what your strategies are behind that?

[00:03:35] How do we get to change the quickest?

[00:03:38] Yeah.

[00:03:39] So I think one of the things that we tend to do as just humans when we want to change something is we set these really big lofty goals, and we have these really lofty visions.

[00:03:50] Right.

[00:03:50] And I'll use the new year for an example.

[00:03:52] So many people use the new year and see that phrase, new year, new me, has become a joke.

[00:03:57] But, you know, people really do go into the new year and say, this is the year that I'm going to do this thing and this thing and this thing.

[00:04:03] And they're usually these big goals.

[00:04:05] And I'm a big believer of set big goals for yourself, challenge yourself.

[00:04:09] But sometimes what I think we do is we set ourselves up for sabotage before we even get started.

[00:04:14] Because if I'm setting a massive goal that, okay, by the end of the year, let's say I'm trying to lose weight.

[00:04:19] I say by the end of the year, I'm going to lose 70 pounds, let's say.

[00:04:24] And then I think about what does that look like?

[00:04:26] How quickly does it have to happen?

[00:04:28] And if it's something that's not realistic and not achievable, or as soon as I don't hit a metric and I get super disappointed and then it's what happens,

[00:04:37] often we say, oh, it's not going to work.

[00:04:39] I'm not going to get there.

[00:04:40] What's the point?

[00:04:41] I can't do it.

[00:04:42] And all this negative self-talk starts up.

[00:04:45] The other thing that I think we, and I always say we as humans, because I think all of these things that I see in other people, I see in myself,

[00:04:53] I just, I feel like a lot of them are so universal is this concept of motivation.

[00:04:58] That, oh, we want to create change.

[00:05:00] So we have to get motivated.

[00:05:02] And I know I used to have this when I had fitness goals and I would be like, I just need to get motivated to go to the gym.

[00:05:08] Or people say, I just need to get motivated to wake up earlier.

[00:05:12] Or I just need to get motivated to do my homework or whatever it may be.

[00:05:17] As if motivation is just like this magical fairy dust that we just have to wait for and it gets dropped on us.

[00:05:23] And then suddenly we can go do the thing.

[00:05:24] And one of the most impactful experiences in my life was years ago when I learned that motivation follows action.

[00:05:34] It's not something that happens that pushes us into action.

[00:05:38] It's actually something that is created once we start.

[00:05:43] And that's the thing that I think is important to know.

[00:05:46] In terms of kind of my strategies, number one is you have to start, right?

[00:05:51] You have to start to create motivation, create momentum.

[00:05:54] For example, if I'm starting a habit of I want to get fit.

[00:05:58] Instead of saying I'm going to go to the gym seven days a week for an hour, which is probably going to sabotage myself because I'm not going to be able to sustain that.

[00:06:05] If I've not been doing any exercise, I'm going to start with something really small.

[00:06:09] I'm going to get up and exercise for 10 minutes, five minutes, whatever it is.

[00:06:14] Then once I've done that, I feel accomplished.

[00:06:17] Then I do it again the next day.

[00:06:19] I'm feeling good.

[00:06:20] So I start to build that habit.

[00:06:21] I start to build that momentum.

[00:06:23] And then I'm more motivated to continue because I'm feeling successful.

[00:06:27] I'm getting excited.

[00:06:28] I'm starting to see progress.

[00:06:30] And then we can build from there.

[00:06:32] So I believe in making everything super small.

[00:06:36] And to the point where my brain will always say to me, that's not good enough.

[00:06:41] That's too small.

[00:06:43] That's not going to have an impact.

[00:06:44] But the problem that I know I have run into a lot in life is I used to be very go big or go home.

[00:06:51] And I would go so big that when I couldn't sustain those massive steps, I would give up or I would get frustrated and I would mentally beat myself up.

[00:07:01] And I had to learn that taking the small incremental steps over and over and over again is actually what leads to big change.

[00:07:10] And it also leads to change that is sustainable.

[00:07:13] Sometimes when we make really big changes really quickly, that feels really exciting.

[00:07:18] But then we sometimes backtrack on those big changes because we can't sustain them.

[00:07:23] So my number one habit is start smaller than you want to, even if your brain is telling you it's not good enough, because that is the way to build a habit that becomes sustainable over time.

[00:07:35] And my number two is recognizing that my brain is a liar.

[00:07:40] A lot of times my brain will tell me things and it will be convinced that these things are true and they're things that don't serve me and they're things that aren't helpful.

[00:07:51] And sometimes they're things that aren't even true, but my brain wants to tell me they are.

[00:07:55] So that's another thing that I try to remember when I'm creating change that I don't need to listen to everything that my brain throws up.

[00:08:02] If my brain says to me, oh, that exercise is too hard.

[00:08:06] You'll never be able to do it.

[00:08:07] But my brain is probably a liar, right?

[00:08:09] It may be hard.

[00:08:11] Maybe it's something I'm not going to try today because it's too advanced.

[00:08:14] Or maybe it's something like, oh, I'm going to do a plank, but I'm not going to do it for five minutes.

[00:08:19] I'm going to do it for 20 seconds.

[00:08:21] So balancing the taking of action with also the managing my mindset and reminding myself that just because I'm hearing it in my head does not make it true.

[00:08:32] And that I have the right and the responsibility to question those narratives.

[00:08:37] Yeah, that's interesting because that was one of the questions I had for you today was how much of it is truly motivation versus just discipline where we just make ourselves do what we need to do until it becomes a habit.

[00:08:51] And then, like you said, the motivation will come after that, right?

[00:09:24] Mm-hmm.

[00:09:26] What is the thing that I'm going to do?

[00:09:28] And I think a big part of that is also looking at the big picture.

[00:09:33] For me, it's a lot easier to be committed to a goal when my why behind it is strong.

[00:09:39] And I'll give the example of health and wellness.

[00:09:43] There was a time in my life where my motivation for exercise was to lose weight so I could look a certain way.

[00:09:49] And at the time, I thought that that was a good motivator for me and that was a powerful motivator.

[00:09:55] And it sometimes worked and it sometimes didn't.

[00:09:57] Now that I'm getting older, now that I've had a couple of kind of chronic injuries that flare up,

[00:10:03] my motivation for being healthier is a lot different, right?

[00:10:07] Because I'm looking now, it's not about necessarily what I look like.

[00:10:10] It's not necessarily about what I weigh.

[00:10:12] It's about my mobility.

[00:10:14] It's about my health as I age.

[00:10:17] It's about not wanting to be a burden on others.

[00:10:19] It's about right now I have a dog who is injured and I have to carry him everywhere.

[00:10:23] I want to be able to do that without putting myself completely out of commission.

[00:10:28] So looking at what are the things that help us to get committed and stay committed,

[00:10:33] and that can anchor us to have that deep why.

[00:10:36] Do you have to constantly remind yourself of that why?

[00:10:39] Because I've had health crises, I guess you would call it.

[00:10:43] And for a while, that why is right in your face, right?

[00:10:46] But it doesn't matter how serious it is.

[00:10:49] As time passes, you can let loose of that.

[00:10:52] So how do you keep that why in the forefront?

[00:10:54] Yes.

[00:10:55] And that is such a good point because I've had that happen where it's,

[00:10:58] Oh, I'm going to stay on top of my, I had, I used to run and I had a foot injury.

[00:11:02] And so I ended up in physical therapy and I get released from physical therapy and they

[00:11:06] give you the at-home exercises and you know, it's here and there, I'm not doing them.

[00:11:11] And the next thing I know, it's been a month and I haven't done any of them.

[00:11:14] And because it is when we're feeling good about something, it can be easy to say,

[00:11:19] Oh, I don't need to do that thing that, that supports it.

[00:11:22] I know for me, my body will tend to give me reminders,

[00:11:24] but I think as just a general practice to anchor to our why's,

[00:11:29] I like to do a lot of kind of different things around mindset.

[00:11:33] One of the things that I find super powerful is journaling.

[00:11:37] And I will tell anybody who's listening, if you're not a writer,

[00:11:40] stay tuned because there's a non-writing form of journaling.

[00:11:42] Oh, wow.

[00:11:43] But I have always been a writer since I was very young.

[00:11:47] And so writing is something that's like a comfort zone for me.

[00:11:49] So I journal every morning.

[00:11:51] And so sometimes I'll journal about my why behind something.

[00:11:55] Sometimes I'll journal to like questions about a certain goal.

[00:11:57] Sometimes I'll journal about where I want my life to be in a year, five years, 10 years.

[00:12:03] Sometimes I'll journal about the things that I'm grateful for, the things that I want to change.

[00:12:07] So keeping that vision of who I want to be and how I want to show up and what I want my life to look like.

[00:12:13] Practices like journaling can be really powerful.

[00:12:16] For those people who do not like to write,

[00:12:18] something that I think is just as helpful is doing an audio journal.

[00:12:22] I think most people probably have a smartphone that has that audio app.

[00:12:26] So you just click on the button and you just record whatever's going on.

[00:12:30] You can talk into it.

[00:12:31] So if you want to listen back to it, you have it.

[00:12:34] I will sometimes do that when I'm trying to shift my thinking in an area.

[00:12:39] I'll record the new thinking that I want to help practice.

[00:12:43] And I'll record it on my audio.

[00:12:45] And then when I'm out walking the dog, I'll just,

[00:12:47] it's my voice and it's repeating the things that I want to be reminded of.

[00:12:51] And so that can also be a really powerful tool as well.

[00:12:54] So I don't journal.

[00:12:56] I think I would like to, but I, for me, it's a, I tell myself anyway, it's a time thing,

[00:13:01] but do you ever go back and look at those journals or do you just want to, you've got it in there?

[00:13:08] I do.

[00:13:09] I do go back and look at them.

[00:13:11] I will be honest.

[00:13:13] I am not somebody, I know people that save books for like years.

[00:13:16] They save their goal planners or their journals.

[00:13:19] I joke around that I'm an anti-boarder.

[00:13:21] So I try to not save too much stuff just because I don't like to have a lot of clutter around.

[00:13:27] But what I do is like, I'll look back on things periodically, or there might be some things that I will save.

[00:13:35] A practice that I have recently taken up that I'm actually thinking about starting a separate journal for that I might keep is,

[00:13:42] if you're familiar with Liz Gilbert, she wrote the book Eat, Pray, Love, which I've actually not read,

[00:13:47] but I've heard her talk about some things and I'm reading her book, Big Magic.

[00:13:51] And she does a practice, she calls it a spiritual practice, I think.

[00:13:57] It's called Letters from Love.

[00:13:58] And so she does every day, she will ask the question,

[00:14:02] love, what would you have me know today?

[00:14:04] And she can, I think she meditates or whatever.

[00:14:06] Oh, wow.

[00:14:07] And then whatever comes up is what she writes down.

[00:14:10] And I decided to start that practice.

[00:14:12] And it was really interesting to read the things that I wrote,

[00:14:15] that it's obviously I wrote them, but it's where did that come from?

[00:14:18] So that's been pretty interesting.

[00:14:21] That is interesting.

[00:14:23] We were talking about something else that I want to touch on again,

[00:14:26] but it's just, it seems like our minds always have that, a lot of us, not everybody,

[00:14:31] but mine has a default negative, right?

[00:14:34] So those negative little, you say horrible things to yourself that you would never even say to someone else.

[00:14:40] So when your mind starts defaulting back to that, how do you curb it?

[00:14:45] How do you stop it and not fall right back into the old sequence?

[00:14:49] So I think the most important thing is awareness.

[00:14:52] So catching yourself, if you catch your, oh, I hear myself saying something negative and just stopping it in that moment.

[00:14:59] And then I like to really interrogate some of the things that I'm thinking.

[00:15:03] So if I'm trying to do something and it's not going well, and I have a voice in my head that's, oh, you're such an idiot.

[00:15:11] Why can't you do this?

[00:15:12] Okay, let's wait a second.

[00:15:14] Are we an idiot?

[00:15:15] Let's think about this.

[00:15:16] I bet you I can name 10 times I wasn't an idiot in my life.

[00:15:20] And then I think, okay, remember that time that I graduated from college?

[00:15:23] Pretty sure I wasn't an idiot then.

[00:15:25] Hey, remember that time that I did this thing and got all these accolades?

[00:15:29] Pretty sure that version of me wasn't an idiot.

[00:15:31] So to almost give ourselves the evidence of the things that we do well, a piece of that,

[00:15:39] let's see, where did I put it?

[00:15:41] Share this with you.

[00:15:42] I have this little book that I keep on my desk.

[00:15:46] Normally I stuck it in the drawers today and I call it Becky's book of wins.

[00:15:50] And what I do in this book is I write down all kinds of wins.

[00:15:54] It can be little wins.

[00:15:56] It can be big wins.

[00:15:57] So my first win in this particular book is that I graduated from my coaching program.

[00:16:03] Very awesome.

[00:16:04] Then fast forward and it's, oh, I did this on-demand fitness class today.

[00:16:09] I was proud of that.

[00:16:10] Then I looked up and it was like, oh, I got behind in this class and I, you know, caught

[00:16:14] up with it.

[00:16:15] Whatever it is, landed a new client, got a speaking engagement, went to the gym five days a week.

[00:16:21] Whatever it is, I record those wins.

[00:16:24] And I do this for a couple of reasons.

[00:16:26] Number one, because if I have a day where I'm doing something and that terrible crappy voice comes in,

[00:16:34] that's telling me negative things about myself.

[00:16:36] I'm like, I have a whole book of awesome right here and I can open it to any page and just start

[00:16:41] reading things and go, hey, you're saying all these things, but all this stuff is true also.

[00:16:46] The other thing it helps do is it helps shift my brain to look for the positive, right?

[00:16:52] Because if I'm constantly looking for wins that I can put in my book, my brain tends to look more

[00:16:58] of the positive as opposed to always defaulting to our negative experiences.

[00:17:03] Right.

[00:17:03] It's like when you get a new car and then you start seeing other ones just like it all over the place.

[00:17:09] So true.

[00:17:10] I know you talk about how negative life events can actually give us clarity and motivation.

[00:17:15] Would you want to explain that a little bit for us?

[00:17:18] Yeah.

[00:17:19] So one of the things that I think can be really powerful is looking at kind of the lessons that

[00:17:27] you learn from the bad things that happen in life.

[00:17:30] And I'll just give two quick examples.

[00:17:32] I feel like one example that is so prevalent for so many people is heartbreak.

[00:17:37] You hear these stories about this thing happened and then my heart was broken.

[00:17:41] It was like, and then I started this new chapter.

[00:17:44] I went and did this thing.

[00:17:46] I got this new job.

[00:17:47] I did this.

[00:17:47] I did that.

[00:17:48] Sometimes how we can look at something like a negative, let's say end of a relationship,

[00:17:53] whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, that's a form of heartbreak.

[00:17:56] But to then look and say, okay, how can I heal from that?

[00:18:00] What can I do to build myself up?

[00:18:03] And how often do we hear stories of people who say, oh, after I had this negative experience,

[00:18:11] after this friendship ended, I reevaluated some things in my life and I went on to do X, Y, Z.

[00:18:16] I think the way that we look at negative events and can we use them to fuel us into something

[00:18:22] positive?

[00:18:23] For example, it's, oh, if I look at this situation and I'm feeling down about it,

[00:18:27] if I'm feeling sad, I think for most of us, when we're feeling sad, we might need to take

[00:18:31] a little time to wallow.

[00:18:32] But then often the best thing to do is, okay, I need to get back out in the world, right?

[00:18:37] I need to live my life.

[00:18:38] I need to recommit to the things that bring me joy, the things that light me up.

[00:18:42] And often in doing that, we create space for new things.

[00:18:46] We might find new friends or new relationships or new hobbies, or maybe we reconnect with parts

[00:18:52] of ourselves that we had lost.

[00:18:54] So I think that's one form of how something negative can motivate us.

[00:18:59] I also think that sometimes negative events, and I have a couple of very, what feel like

[00:19:06] extreme examples because they involve death, but I think it's important to even talk about

[00:19:10] that, how losing people that are important to you can be motivating, but also can provide

[00:19:17] a level of clarity that sometimes we don't get from everyday life.

[00:19:21] I'll use the example of a number of years ago, I had a friend who had passed away relatively

[00:19:29] unexpectedly.

[00:19:31] And at the time it was very challenging and it made me start thinking about some things

[00:19:39] in my life, but then I didn't really make any changes.

[00:19:42] And then a couple of years later, I had another friend pass away unexpectedly.

[00:19:47] And it was this moment of clarity for me.

[00:19:49] And I remember saying, okay, God, I didn't get the message the first time.

[00:19:53] Now the message is clear because I had, my life was on this trajectory and I was one of

[00:19:58] those people, it was like, my life was work and I was really focused on advancing in my

[00:20:03] career and what I was going to do next.

[00:20:05] And I was going to leave the classroom and go into administration and all of these things.

[00:20:09] And then I started looking back at how many moments with these people that I miss because

[00:20:15] I was so focused on these things that I was trying to achieve that I almost, it was like,

[00:20:21] I was almost missing my life in a lot of ways while I was chasing my life.

[00:20:26] And so I had this kind of aha moment and this moment of clarity where I realized, hey, I'm

[00:20:32] chasing something that's not a bad thing to chase.

[00:20:35] It was, it was important work and great things.

[00:20:38] But I had this realization that I'm chasing a life that I don't even want.

[00:20:42] And I have a life right in front of me that I haven't been nurturing.

[00:20:47] And so that to me was a big moment of clarity and it switched the trajectory of my life because

[00:20:52] at that point, I was planning on leaving the classroom when I became a school administrator

[00:20:57] and that I never ended up, I went to school.

[00:21:00] I went back to a second master's program.

[00:21:03] I got my, you know, admin certification.

[00:21:05] I've never used it.

[00:21:07] It's become a running joke.

[00:21:08] It's good to have.

[00:21:08] And I'm glad I have those skills, but I've never worked as a school administrator.

[00:21:13] And, but it was definitely, you know, one of those clarifying moments.

[00:21:16] I feel like I had a similar one when my father passed away.

[00:21:21] I had this aha of, oh, life is really short.

[00:21:27] And even though we know that, I think sometimes when we lose significant people in our lives,

[00:21:33] it really creates a space for us to take stock.

[00:21:37] And I know for me, it was okay.

[00:21:40] Life is short.

[00:21:41] How do I want to spend the rest of the years that I have?

[00:21:44] And for me, it was also, I definitely discovered that there were some elements to me and my

[00:21:49] personality of, oh, I do certain things, not consciously, but maybe unconsciously because

[00:21:56] of how I was raised or what I thought I was supposed to do.

[00:21:59] And so having that awareness of, I get to choose what I do with my life.

[00:22:04] And when I'm on my deathbed, whenever that may be, it could be in 40 years, it could be

[00:22:09] tomorrow.

[00:22:10] I don't ever want to look back and say, I wish I would have done this and this, or I want

[00:22:16] to be one of those people.

[00:22:17] I remember one time before my father had passed away, but he was ill.

[00:22:22] We had another family member pass.

[00:22:24] And he said to me, he said, I don't want anyone to be sad for me when I go because I've had

[00:22:30] a really great life.

[00:22:32] And the ability to say that, to say I've had a great life.

[00:22:36] I've had a life that exceeded all expectations of myself and others.

[00:22:40] That's a pretty amazing thing to be able to say.

[00:22:44] And so I think sometimes in those moments, we start to think about, I don't know when

[00:22:49] my time is, but if it's tomorrow, is this the life that I want to be leaving?

[00:22:53] Or is there something more that I want to be doing?

[00:22:56] Is there something I want to be doing differently?

[00:22:58] So I think just getting that clarity and then that can potentially motivate us to make some

[00:23:04] changes or to just lean into some things that are in our life that maybe we've taken

[00:23:09] for granted.

[00:23:09] Yeah.

[00:23:10] That's a good question to ask yourself.

[00:23:12] You know, when I'm on my deathbed, would I even be able to say that?

[00:23:16] That I've lived a fantastic life.

[00:23:18] I couldn't have imagined it any better.

[00:23:21] That's a great question to ask yourself, really.

[00:23:24] And I know like the whole premise of the beauty in the mess is finding that gift in those negative

[00:23:29] things.

[00:23:29] But I noticed one thing that many people do, and I believe you're doing it as well, but

[00:23:34] they not only overcome whatever their situation is, but then they decide that they want to help

[00:23:40] other people get through whatever that was.

[00:23:43] And I think that's an amazing thing that to turn it around and use it for good.

[00:23:48] It might've been very painful or awful, but then they can use that to help somebody else.

[00:23:53] It's pretty neat in that respect.

[00:23:56] Absolutely.

[00:23:57] And I think that is something that I do think about a lot because I feel like we all have

[00:24:03] our insecurities and our doubts.

[00:24:04] But I think, again, going back to that, how do you connect to your why?

[00:24:08] How do you stay committed?

[00:24:10] How do you build that motivation?

[00:24:11] I think sometimes, especially those of us who are driven to want to help people, whether

[00:24:17] in our professional lives or in our personal lives, sometimes that why of just having an

[00:24:21] impact and being able to see, oh, this person told me that I had a huge positive impact in

[00:24:28] their life.

[00:24:29] What a gift that is.

[00:24:30] I just, it's really something that I think a lot of people strive for and maybe people

[00:24:36] do have a greater impact than they realize and they don't always get to see or hear about

[00:24:42] it.

[00:24:42] But I definitely think there are a lot of people who are doing wonderful things.

[00:24:46] And that makes me curious to ask you, do you feel like we're all born with a purpose?

[00:24:51] For our lives, so to speak?

[00:24:53] Or do you feel like a purpose is something we discover along the way?

[00:24:57] Or maybe we create, or maybe we have multiple purposes.

[00:25:01] What's your view?

[00:25:02] I think it can be a little bit all of the above, actually, because I definitely feel like some

[00:25:08] of us have things inside of us that we know from a very young age, oh, I am meant to do this

[00:25:14] in the world, or I just feel this drive toward this one thing.

[00:25:17] But I also think that sometimes we discover our purpose and we discover our gifts over

[00:25:23] time.

[00:25:24] Especially if there are things that maybe when we're kids, nobody told us that our ability

[00:25:29] to do this one thing was special.

[00:25:31] Or we never had an opportunity to show that we were like a natural caretaker.

[00:25:37] And then we discover later in life, oh, I didn't realize when I was a little girl because I never

[00:25:41] played with dolls and had that experience, but I meant to be a mother or somebody who's, oh,

[00:25:47] I never thought about being a lawyer.

[00:25:49] But then I went through life and I heard the story of somebody and decided that I want to

[00:25:54] work with people who need to be protected from whatever situation.

[00:26:00] I think sometimes it can be something that we fall into through circumstance.

[00:26:04] But I also do feel like sometimes there are things that we feel called to do.

[00:26:10] Even if I know sometimes for me, I think about, I wouldn't have told you when I was 18, oh,

[00:26:17] my calling is to be a life coach.

[00:26:19] That wasn't even a thing that was on my radar.

[00:26:22] I was like, I don't even know that people really use that term.

[00:26:26] And so sometimes I think it's as the world evolves and we realize, oh, that's an option

[00:26:31] and that's a thing.

[00:26:33] But I also think that I definitely have always been somebody who has felt a desire to help

[00:26:40] others and a desire to help create change.

[00:26:44] And so I think that is what has drawn me to this work.

[00:26:47] It's the ability to help other people create change for themselves.

[00:26:51] And to me, that's such a powerful thing to be able to give people those tools.

[00:26:57] Why do you think that we're as a whole, we're afraid of change?

[00:27:02] Why don't we embrace it more?

[00:27:04] So we are just wired not to, for lack of a better explanation.

[00:27:12] It's the idea that our brains are not wired for change.

[00:27:16] They're wired for survival.

[00:27:17] And so we want to protect ourselves.

[00:27:20] And I often point out to people that change is very difficult for humans.

[00:27:26] And so often we will stay in situations that are actually not great instead of going into

[00:27:33] situations that are better because we simply fear the change or we fear the unknown.

[00:27:38] And we are used to what is comfortable.

[00:27:41] That is our default setting.

[00:27:43] There is some research that I can't remember where it comes from, but just around people

[00:27:47] that we're wired to choose the path of least resistance.

[00:27:51] That if you give humans a task and there's a really easy way to do it and a really hard

[00:27:56] way to do it, if we can see both, we're going to take the easy way.

[00:27:59] And I think that's pretty normal.

[00:28:00] My brain's like, yeah, why wouldn't I?

[00:28:02] Like, why do I want to make life harder?

[00:28:04] But when it comes to change feels really hard a lot of the time.

[00:28:07] So it's, oh, I can choose to just do this thing I've been doing.

[00:28:10] That's like a well-worn path.

[00:28:12] That's quote unquote easy for me, even if it makes my life hard, or I can do this new

[00:28:19] thing that feels really difficult because it's a new thing.

[00:28:23] That makes me think of something else that at least, and it might be the same for men.

[00:28:27] I have no idea, but I know a lot of women feel guilt and with change, say you going back

[00:28:33] to school, I went back to school myself.

[00:28:35] But as a mom, you feel a lot of guilt because I'm doing this for myself.

[00:28:40] I'm being selfish.

[00:28:41] I even had someone tell me that I was being selfish for going back to school.

[00:28:45] And to me, I was just trying to better myself or however you want to look at it, give myself

[00:28:49] more opportunities, whatever.

[00:28:51] So how do we combat guilt?

[00:28:53] Because that always creeps in.

[00:28:55] And whether it's you're taking care of your parents or you're trying to help your parents

[00:28:58] or your kids or your animals, whatever it is, we feel guilt.

[00:29:02] Yes.

[00:29:03] And I think that this is one of the biggest reasons that it's so hard for people, and I

[00:29:08] would argue, especially women, to say no and to set boundaries.

[00:29:12] And I think there's a couple of reasons.

[00:29:14] Number one is that we are socialized in a very specific way.

[00:29:18] Women, for the most part, are socialized to be caretakers.

[00:29:23] And to behave in certain ways and to prioritize the communal and to prioritize other people

[00:29:31] instead of prioritizing ourselves.

[00:29:33] And so for so many of us, by the time we get to adulthood, we have been internalizing those

[00:29:40] messages from the people in our lives, from media, from pretty much everywhere forever.

[00:29:47] Amen to that.

[00:29:48] And so it's really ingrained in us.

[00:29:51] It's really ingrained thinking.

[00:29:53] And the problem is when we try to get out of that ingrained thinking, we may have other

[00:29:58] people with that ingrained thinking who are pushing back and saying things that are then

[00:30:02] triggering.

[00:30:03] It's, oh yeah, they're saying I'm being selfish.

[00:30:05] And I thought of as being selfish.

[00:30:07] And now they've said I'm selfish.

[00:30:08] So I'm definitely selfish.

[00:30:09] And it's, we have to revisit how we think about boundaries and people who have boundaries and

[00:30:16] people who say no.

[00:30:17] And this is something that I will not get on a huge soapbox, but I'll get on a tiny soapbox

[00:30:22] about because I'm very passionate about this subject.

[00:30:25] There seems to be a misconception among many people that having very strong boundaries and

[00:30:34] saying no with ease and being a kind and caring person cannot coexist.

[00:30:41] And I will push back on that forever because I think anybody who knows me will tell you,

[00:30:47] I am a very compassionate, very loving person.

[00:30:50] And I am also somebody who can say no to my own mother without hesitation and without failing

[00:30:57] back.

[00:30:57] I am the queen of setting boundaries.

[00:30:59] And I think I'm also a very kind person.

[00:31:03] And I think the reason I'm able to do that is, A, I practice and applying different skills,

[00:31:08] but also because I have an understanding that saying no to someone doesn't mean I'm being

[00:31:14] unkind to them.

[00:31:15] And in fact, it actually helps improve our relationships when we say no to people or things that don't

[00:31:23] serve us.

[00:31:24] So I'll give the example of, let's say somebody invites me to an event.

[00:31:29] And I really don't want to go.

[00:31:31] But I say yes, because I feel like I should.

[00:31:34] And if I don't, I'm not being nice.

[00:31:36] So I go anyway.

[00:31:38] But I'm a little bit grumpy about the fact that I have to go.

[00:31:42] And maybe I'm tired.

[00:31:43] And maybe I don't want to be there.

[00:31:45] What kind of energy am I bringing to that experience?

[00:31:48] What version of me are people around me getting?

[00:31:51] So if my interactions are based on guilt and responsibility, and I'm actually showing up as a

[00:31:58] lesser version of myself, that's actually weakening those relationships versus maybe I say yes to one

[00:32:06] out of every three things you invite me to.

[00:32:08] But the things I say yes to, I really want to be there.

[00:32:11] And I show up and I'm 100% present.

[00:32:14] And you are getting the absolute best version of me.

[00:32:18] I would argue that we're going to have a stronger relationship over time.

[00:32:21] Because I am showing up with you fully.

[00:32:24] And I am showing up to you as my best self.

[00:32:26] Versus I'm showing up a lot as a kind of subpar version of me.

[00:32:31] But so is it just initially that because I can see family and friends not reacting well to being

[00:32:39] told no.

[00:32:40] So is that just initially as you try to set those boundaries typically, and then it gets better

[00:32:45] as they realize that you're just trying to establish these boundaries to take better care of yourself?

[00:32:51] Yeah, so I think there's a couple of approaches that I take with boundaries.

[00:32:55] I always encourage people, if you are new to setting boundaries, or this is an area of challenge

[00:32:59] for you, always start with low hanging fruit.

[00:33:02] Again, I'm a firm believer that change happens when we make it as easy as possible.

[00:33:06] I would not start with your mother when it comes to setting boundaries, especially if you

[00:33:11] have a close relationship with your mother.

[00:33:13] I might start with that random person that works at the coffee shop that you go to twice a week

[00:33:18] that you don't even know their name maybe.

[00:33:20] Because you're a lot less emotionally invested in that person.

[00:33:24] If you feel like they're unhappy with you, you're going to be able to navigate that a bit

[00:33:28] more easily than if it's your mother or your partner or your boss or whoever.

[00:33:33] So I always say start with somebody that is maybe less in your circle and start with things

[00:33:38] that are easier.

[00:33:39] I liken it to building a muscle, right?

[00:33:41] You got to build the muscle up to get it stronger so you can take on more difficult tasks.

[00:33:47] But you also need to be prepared for pushback.

[00:33:50] Because again, it goes back to that whole idea that we're change resistant.

[00:33:54] And we're not just change resistant for ourselves.

[00:33:56] We're change resistant for others.

[00:33:58] When you are changing, it makes the people around you uncomfortable.

[00:34:03] And that is what you're seeing when they resist a boundary.

[00:34:06] They are resisting the change that's making them uncomfortable.

[00:34:10] It's not that it's personal against you, even though sometimes it may feel that way.

[00:34:14] Sometimes it's simply communicating why you have the boundary in place and what your need

[00:34:19] is.

[00:34:20] And also understanding, I think there's sometimes some confusion when it comes to boundaries.

[00:34:26] People say, I put boundaries in place to get other people to do this or not do this.

[00:34:31] That is not a boundary.

[00:34:32] I like to say that's a barrier.

[00:34:34] A boundary is for me.

[00:34:35] My boundary is if this, then I.

[00:34:39] It's never about you.

[00:34:41] Let's say every time you and I get together, you start talking about my weight or my body.

[00:34:49] And I set a boundary that I don't like to have conversations with people about my weight

[00:34:54] or my body that are not living in my body.

[00:34:57] So I might say, I don't really want to talk about this.

[00:35:01] I'm not setting that boundary to make you stop doing it.

[00:35:04] I'm setting the boundary because I'm not going to be in the conversation.

[00:35:08] So I get to decide what I'm going to do.

[00:35:10] Because at the end of the day, we can tell people, I don't want to talk about that particular

[00:35:14] topic.

[00:35:14] You go to a family holiday with extended family and somebody says, I don't want to talk

[00:35:19] about politics.

[00:35:20] I can make that pronouncement when I walk in the door.

[00:35:23] But if I have a random relative that's, I sure do.

[00:35:25] And that's what I'm going to do all day long.

[00:35:27] Unless I'm going to tape their mouth shut.

[00:35:29] I don't actually have control over them.

[00:35:32] I can communicate my discomfort and they can say, I don't care.

[00:35:36] I get to choose what I do for me.

[00:35:38] So the boundary for me would be, if somebody's talking about politics and I'm unable to change

[00:35:45] the subject, I'm going to leave the conversation.

[00:35:48] Or I'm going to join a new conversation.

[00:35:49] Or I'm going to go to a new space.

[00:35:51] So the boundary is, if this thing that I'm uncomfortable with is happening, here's what

[00:35:57] I'm going to do to protect myself and my space and my mental being, et cetera.

[00:36:02] It's not, I'm going to do this.

[00:36:03] So this person does that.

[00:36:05] And so I think recognizing that if what I'm doing is for me, you don't have to like it.

[00:36:11] If I'm not going to engage in certain conversations because it makes me uncomfortable when people

[00:36:16] talk about other people's physicality, whether it be their weight, their appearance, and I

[00:36:21] just don't want to be in those conversations.

[00:36:23] You can continue to have those conversations.

[00:36:25] I'm just going to go talk to someone else.

[00:36:27] And so I think sometimes when we are trying to determine our boundaries, just deciding why

[00:36:33] do I need a boundary and what does that look like for me helps us to set those boundaries

[00:36:38] in ways that don't feel like we're trying to control other people.

[00:36:42] And that can ease their response.

[00:36:45] But sometimes people are simply just not going to be happy with the boundaries we set.

[00:36:50] And that's okay.

[00:36:52] Part of the process for me is actually preparing in advance.

[00:36:56] If I know, for example, I have this family member that always likes to talk about food

[00:37:02] and eating, and maybe I don't like that.

[00:37:05] I will set a boundary that I'm not going to be a part of that conversation.

[00:37:08] If they continue to talk about it and I say, I'm sorry, I don't want to talk about this.

[00:37:13] And they get really upset.

[00:37:14] I probably know that person well enough to know that how they're going to react.

[00:37:18] So I'm going to have decided in advance how I want to behave in that situation.

[00:37:23] Do I want to make a joke and change the conversation?

[00:37:25] Do I want to go just talk to somebody else?

[00:37:27] Do I want to excuse myself to go to the restroom and then just not come back into that space?

[00:37:32] Do I want to leave and say, oh, I think the dog has to go for a walk.

[00:37:35] Or, oh, I think I hear somebody calling my name down the street.

[00:37:38] There's so many different approaches.

[00:37:40] And that's where it's important to get in touch with yourself.

[00:37:42] I tend to be a very direct communicator, especially with people that I know.

[00:37:46] And so a lot of times I will just directly say to somebody, this is what I'm doing.

[00:37:51] This is why I'm doing it with a smile.

[00:37:53] And it just is what it is.

[00:37:55] But especially when it's new, I think sometimes people, they may need strategies or even I think

[00:38:02] I wrote something recently and I literally gave specific things you can say in certain situations.

[00:38:08] If you're feeling uncomfortable setting a boundary or uncomfortable with pushback.

[00:38:12] So having some prepared phrases or having some ways you're going to respond or even knowing

[00:38:18] that, hey, humor might be a default for me because that feels more comfortable.

[00:38:22] So really having a game plan in advance for how you're going to navigate those situations.

[00:38:27] So it's a related question, but I think it falls in line with the people that struggle with

[00:38:33] boundaries anyway.

[00:38:33] How do you not worry about what people are going to say or think or not care, not let

[00:38:42] it bother you?

[00:38:42] Maybe that's a better question.

[00:38:44] So I think that's the mindset piece.

[00:38:46] And this is one of the most important pieces, because at the end of the day, if I know my

[00:38:52] motivations and I know who I am and I am confident in that, you can say whatever you want about

[00:38:59] me.

[00:39:00] And yeah, initially I might go, oh, that's not very nice.

[00:39:03] But then I'll remind myself like, oh, that person saying I'm selfish.

[00:39:07] And I know for a fact that I'm not because I know who I am and I know why I'm doing this.

[00:39:11] I know my motivation.

[00:39:13] I'm really setting that foundation of nurturing our mindset.

[00:39:18] And again, being willing to explore if somebody says something that we do take to heart and

[00:39:24] that does really upset us, it's normally because it's triggering a thought that we have about

[00:39:29] ourselves.

[00:39:30] And that's an opportunity to say, okay, why does it bother me so much?

[00:39:34] That person thinks X, Y, Z about me.

[00:39:36] Let me sit down and let me write about it.

[00:39:39] And so a tool that I would encourage folks to use, let's give the example that you'd mentioned

[00:39:44] earlier about going back to school and somebody saying that's a selfish thing to do.

[00:39:48] If I found myself really ruminating on that and feeling bad about that, I'm going to pull

[00:39:54] out a piece of paper.

[00:39:55] I'm just going to write down on the top, going back to school, or it might be so-and-so

[00:40:00] called me selfish.

[00:40:01] And then I'm just going to start bulleting all of the thoughts that come up for me.

[00:40:06] Because at some point when I do that, in my experience, the way it goes is I'll start

[00:40:10] bulleting thoughts and stuff will come out and I'll write it down.

[00:40:15] And none of it is surprising to me.

[00:40:17] It's, yep, I thought that, I thought that.

[00:40:19] And then the more I keep going, something will pop up that I'll go, oh, I didn't even

[00:40:24] realize I was thinking that.

[00:40:26] Or, oh, where did that come from?

[00:40:28] And sometimes that's the thought.

[00:40:30] Sometimes those are the things that are, I like to think of them as the beneath the surface

[00:40:34] thinking that we may not be aware of, right?

[00:40:37] So it's like we talked about earlier.

[00:40:40] Sometimes we can hear that negative self-talk that's top of mind, that might be a familiar

[00:40:45] narrative.

[00:40:46] But sometimes there's a deeper narrative that we aren't aware of.

[00:40:50] And if somebody says something that taps into that, we may not realize that's what's happening

[00:40:55] until we excavate it.

[00:40:57] And then once I see, oh, I'm sitting here, I'm writing my bullets about going back to school.

[00:41:02] And I find this one that, oh, this is what is being triggered in me.

[00:41:08] Then I'm going to take that thought and I'm really going to dig into it.

[00:41:11] And I'm going to decide again, do I need to dig into it?

[00:41:15] Do I need to give evidence that it's not true?

[00:41:17] Do I need to just simply look at it and say, okay, I don't want to think this thought.

[00:41:21] What's something slightly better that I can focus on and practice?

[00:41:25] Because I think that's also something that's really important to be aware of when it comes

[00:41:30] to mindset and especially when it comes to boundaries, that idea of if I've believed

[00:41:34] since I was three years old, that saying no to somebody who loves me is rude.

[00:41:41] And I've believed that for 45 years, I'm not going to unbelieve it in 12 seconds, right?

[00:41:48] That's just not how things work.

[00:41:50] I have to choose on purpose to shift my thinking.

[00:41:53] And I have to be mindful of how to shift my thoughts in a way that better serves me.

[00:42:01] Because a lot of times we're carrying thoughts that don't serve us and that sometimes sabotage

[00:42:05] us.

[00:42:06] And so the more in touch we can get with our thinking and why we're doing the things we're

[00:42:11] doing and what thoughts are propelling those choices, the more we can make change happen.

[00:42:17] And again, I think that ties back to the whole, why are we upset by something somebody says?

[00:42:22] Because if they're pushing back on something, it's making us feel really bad.

[00:42:27] I think most of the time, it's not that we're actually upset because they don't like us or

[00:42:33] we think they're upset with us.

[00:42:35] It's because there's something in our own thoughts that's validating what they're telling us.

[00:42:40] Also, what I'm discovering is that a lot of us have this unworthiness, right?

[00:42:46] We don't feel worthy.

[00:42:47] We don't feel like we're enough.

[00:42:48] And I think we're programmed, especially as women, as little girls, that if you want to

[00:42:55] do something for yourself, that it is being selfish.

[00:42:58] And I think you hear that in a way, in a roundabout way, your whole life.

[00:43:03] And so then when you try to do something for yourself, like you said, and someone says it,

[00:43:07] and you're like, oh, it's confirmed.

[00:43:10] And yeah, but I think that's part of the whole unworthiness thing.

[00:43:13] I think we're programmed in that direction.

[00:43:16] And so trying to undo all that, those years of hearing this stuff is very hard.

[00:43:22] Like you said, it's not going to happen in 12 seconds and it's not going to happen without

[00:43:25] deliberate action against it.

[00:43:28] So yes.

[00:43:29] And that's one of the things that I like to focus on in my life and with other people is

[00:43:35] how do we shift that inner narrative and really being intentional about it.

[00:43:39] I believe I've told this story before, but I'll share really briefly here.

[00:43:45] Just years ago, when I was first introduced to the concept of affirmations, and I remember

[00:43:50] thinking, oh, this sounds really cool.

[00:43:52] And people are doing affirmations and it changed their life.

[00:43:55] And then I tried to do it and nothing changed.

[00:43:58] And I, of course, instead of saying affirmations don't work, it was like something must be wrong

[00:44:03] with me because they work with other people.

[00:44:05] So clearly I'm doing it wrong.

[00:44:07] That negative mindset.

[00:44:08] What I didn't realize at the time was that, no, it wasn't me that was wrong.

[00:44:13] It was the way I was trying to do the affirmation because I was taught you just find these random

[00:44:18] affirmations that are like, I am wonderful and beautiful.

[00:44:22] My life is amazing and perfect.

[00:44:23] And you just keep saying them and then they come true.

[00:44:26] And that's not really how that works.

[00:44:27] So what I find much more helpful and the process that I use and that many coaches use in the

[00:44:35] coaching world is just the idea of shifting thinking in incremental ways.

[00:44:39] So if I wanted to go from my life is horrible, that's my, my, I wake up in the morning and I'm

[00:44:47] just like, oh, today's going to be horrible.

[00:44:51] To today's going to be amazing.

[00:44:53] If I wake up in practice, today's going to be amazing.

[00:44:56] My brain is immediately going to go, shut up.

[00:44:59] You are lying.

[00:45:00] That is not true.

[00:45:01] And it's just going to reinforce the negative thinking.

[00:45:05] Right.

[00:45:05] But if I take that negative thought and I think, okay, if I want to go from negative a hundred

[00:45:10] to positive a hundred, I can't go all the way.

[00:45:12] Let me go to negative 98.

[00:45:15] Right.

[00:45:16] Let me get there.

[00:45:17] And again, my brain's going to go, well, I don't want to be at negative 98.

[00:45:20] I want to be at positive a hundred.

[00:45:21] Yeah.

[00:45:21] But in order to get to positive a hundred, you got to go through a whole bunch of numbers.

[00:45:24] How do I incrementally take small steps to go from today's going to be horrible.

[00:45:30] Okay.

[00:45:31] Maybe I'm going to think it's possible that today will not be as horrible as I think it

[00:45:36] will.

[00:45:37] Not a ton better, but a little bit better.

[00:45:40] Keeping that momentum, keeping the shift forward so that my brain isn't constantly pushing back,

[00:45:46] but finding out where's that tipping point.

[00:45:48] Like how far can I push my thinking before my brain jumps in and goes, oh, that's a lie.

[00:45:53] That's wrong.

[00:45:54] And then we're fighting, but to create those incremental baby step thinking so that I can

[00:46:00] move from a negative to a positive.

[00:46:02] And again, practicing that thinking on purpose, because if my inner monologue has told me all

[00:46:07] day, every day for my entire life that I am unworthy, it's not going to change that thought

[00:46:14] in five minutes.

[00:46:15] I'm going to have to tell it new thoughts every day as a pattern.

[00:46:21] It's we're undoing what we have learned, whether consciously or unconsciously, and we're learning

[00:46:27] something new.

[00:46:28] And anytime we learn something new, it takes time and it takes effort.

[00:46:32] The beautiful thing is it doesn't take, in my opinion, nearly as much time and effort

[00:46:37] as we think it will, because it's not, oh, I've been thinking this for 40 years.

[00:46:41] So now I have to unthink it for 40 years to get there.

[00:46:44] Thank goodness.

[00:46:45] No, if you commit to a practice and you use the tools, you can see change a lot faster than

[00:46:52] you think.

[00:46:52] Yeah, that's great.

[00:46:53] I would hate to think it's going to take as many years to undo as it took to create it.

[00:46:59] But yeah, I think you're right.

[00:47:00] I think incremental and I think being purposeful because how many times do we start out a day

[00:47:07] and say, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z today, but then life hits you sideways.

[00:47:11] And if you don't have a plan, you're all over the place and that's never going to happen.

[00:47:16] You're reacting to whatever's going on in your life.

[00:47:19] Yeah.

[00:47:20] You have to decide on purpose, like, okay, this is what's going to happen today.

[00:47:24] And then show up for it.

[00:47:26] I'm a big, I'm a morning person, which is strange because I used to be very much a night

[00:47:31] person when I was younger.

[00:47:32] I used to work at nights and we'd go out with my friends and it was like, we would be eating,

[00:47:36] you know, dinner at a restaurant when other people were having breakfast because we were

[00:47:40] just coming back home.

[00:47:41] And now I'm, I haven't set an alarm since pre COVID.

[00:47:44] Wow.

[00:47:45] And I'm about roughly 5am every day.

[00:47:47] Like I've been up since I think 4.40 this morning and thank the dogs for that.

[00:47:52] But I get up at 4.30.

[00:47:54] It's definitely, I love a quiet, slow morning because I like having time to sit.

[00:48:02] And I like the fact that it's like mornings are quiet.

[00:48:04] Nobody's awake.

[00:48:05] The neighbors aren't up.

[00:48:05] But it also is a time for me to plan out some things in my day and to do some journaling and

[00:48:12] to just have a little quiet time and maybe, maybe do a meditation, maybe write that letter

[00:48:17] from love, maybe plan out some stuff in my business, maybe do a food plant.

[00:48:21] There's all kinds of things that I can do to set up the day to my favor.

[00:48:27] And again, it's one of those things where I think sometimes we think having a morning

[00:48:32] routine or an evening routine, oh, mine's not going to be good enough because I don't

[00:48:35] have that time in the morning and I can't do three hours like that person does.

[00:48:39] Most humans don't have a three hour morning routine.

[00:48:42] And for those that do, God bless them.

[00:48:44] I'm glad for them.

[00:48:45] But the average person is usually cramming for time.

[00:48:49] So it's okay if I know that mornings are hectic, what can I do to set myself up for

[00:48:54] the day so that I take control of my day and my day doesn't take control of me?

[00:48:59] Yeah, I think you're exactly right.

[00:49:01] As we start to wrap up a little bit, I was wondering if you could tell us some about your

[00:49:05] coaching program and the higher good coaching business that you have.

[00:49:09] Yeah, so higher with a G H is my the name of my company.

[00:49:14] And I didn't even think about the other version of higher when I picked the name.

[00:49:18] I just liked the idea of pursuing your higher good, getting in touch with your higher good.

[00:49:24] And so it just spoke to me.

[00:49:26] And my current passion is helping women in particular say no without fear or guilt, which

[00:49:36] is something that I think is much needed in the world.

[00:49:39] And so with that in mind, I started offering a 12 week program.

[00:49:46] That's really a combo mix of teaching and coaching, which means it's not teaching in a traditional

[00:49:53] sense, but it's, oh, if I'm new to setting boundaries, if I'm new to saying no, and I

[00:49:57] need tools, I want to give you those tools.

[00:49:59] I want to talk about what might that look like for you?

[00:50:02] How are you going to put that into practice?

[00:50:04] Because again, we all have different entry points.

[00:50:05] And so if somebody is coming and saying, hey, I have this unique situation, we want to be able

[00:50:10] to say, okay, let's get you some tools for your toolkit.

[00:50:13] And also then the coaching, the support piece is that let's also get you that individualized

[00:50:19] support for whatever mindsets you're bringing to the table.

[00:50:22] What are the thoughts that we may need to work on?

[00:50:24] What are some strategies we can use there?

[00:50:26] And again, my focus is really on simple, easy to implement strategies, because I think,

[00:50:34] especially for people that struggle to say no and struggle to set boundaries, if it's hard

[00:50:39] for me to say no, and it's hard for me to set a boundary, I probably have a to-do list

[00:50:44] a mile long and a mile of people waiting for me to help them with things.

[00:50:49] People don't necessarily have all the time in the world.

[00:50:51] So I try to make sure to also take that into account that, hey, I have a kajillion tools

[00:50:57] and resources and things that I've gotten through my studies and things that I've created that

[00:51:01] are available to clients.

[00:51:04] And you don't have to do all of those things to create results.

[00:51:07] So it's if somebody comes in and they're like, hey, suddenly I have all this time on

[00:51:11] my hands.

[00:51:12] Great.

[00:51:12] You want to do a life inventory?

[00:51:14] You want to try this tool, this program?

[00:51:16] Let's let's check it out.

[00:51:17] Let's pick the things that speak to you.

[00:51:18] But for those people who are like, look, I just need help saying no to people and I

[00:51:22] need help getting over this mindset that it makes me feel like crap.

[00:51:26] Great.

[00:51:26] Let's focus on that.

[00:51:27] Sounds like a much needed practice.

[00:51:30] So that's pretty awesome.

[00:51:31] So if someone's listening and they want to follow you or get in touch with you, what's the

[00:51:36] best way?

[00:51:36] So the best way to get in touch with me directly is to just shoot me an email and it's just

[00:51:41] Becky at higher good coaching.com.

[00:51:44] And again, it's higher with a G H.

[00:51:46] And then I'm also on Facebook as higher good coaching.

[00:51:50] And I am on Instagram as Becky of church with an underscore.

[00:51:54] Okay.

[00:51:55] Awesome.

[00:51:56] Is there anything that we haven't touched on today that you want to make sure that the

[00:52:00] listeners hear?

[00:52:01] I think we've pretty much covered everything.

[00:52:02] If I leave, I would just love to leave one kind of final thought for folks who struggle

[00:52:07] with saying no, because it's something that I think about a lot and I think is important.

[00:52:11] And it's the idea that for everything we are able to say no to every time we can say no

[00:52:17] to something that does not serve us.

[00:52:19] It opens the door to say yes to the things that do.

[00:52:23] It opens the door to say yes to the things that we're passionate about.

[00:52:26] It opens the door to say yes to goals that we have that we may be neglecting.

[00:52:31] So really thinking about no as a powerful tool that can enable us to say yes.

[00:52:38] That's awesome.

[00:52:39] Yeah.

[00:52:40] And I would also probably add that like you mentioned earlier, I don't know if we have

[00:52:45] younger folks listening or not, but as you get older, you realize that life is very short

[00:52:50] and we only have so much time to do what we want to do.

[00:52:53] And you start realizing that's a bigger priority than it's ever been to try to get, yeah, to

[00:53:00] enjoy yourself and to go out like your dad did.

[00:53:04] Yeah.

[00:53:04] Very important.

[00:53:06] I thank you for being with me today.

[00:53:08] And I thank you.

[00:53:09] I definitely appreciate all your wisdom and your strategies that you shared with us today.

[00:53:14] It's been awesome.

[00:53:15] Thank you.

[00:53:16] Have a good rest of your night.

[00:53:17] Me too.

[00:53:18] Bye bye.

[00:53:19] As we wrap up today's episode, I hope Becky sharing her knowledge, experience and

[00:53:23] wisdom helped you in some way.

[00:53:25] I am so glad that Becky shared the importance of setting realistic goals, the misconceptions

[00:53:30] about motivation, especially the power of commitment versus motivation and the strategies for creating

[00:53:37] sustainable changes in life.

[00:53:39] Becky emphasized the significance of starting small and building momentum and the impact of

[00:53:45] mindset on achieving goals as well.

[00:53:47] And she also touched on the challenges of setting boundaries, dealing with guilt and

[00:53:51] transforming negative life events into sources of clarity and motivation.

[00:53:56] I hope you enjoyed today's show.

[00:53:58] And I would love to hear from you.

[00:54:00] As always, I hope this episode helps at least one person.

[00:54:03] And with that, I hope you have a blessed week, my friend.

[00:54:10] Thank you for listening to the beauty in the mess.

[00:54:13] If you enjoyed what you heard, please share it with a friend.

[00:54:16] And if you haven't already, please subscribe, rate and review this podcast on your favorite

[00:54:20] pod player.

[00:54:21] If you have any questions or comments, any topic ideas you would like to hear about, or

[00:54:26] you think you would be a great guest on the show, you can reach me directly at the beauty

[00:54:30] in the mess.com.

[00:54:32] Thanks for listening.