Ep. 56 Getting to the Soul Line with Andrea Tessier

[00:00:03] I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess, a community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth and connection to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories.

[00:00:17] During engaging, honest and insightful conversations, the show will help you embrace the mess to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures to help you start making a mindset shift.

[00:00:29] Let's listen, learn and reclaim who we were meant to be.

[00:00:34] Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess. For this episode I'm very excited to welcome Andrea Tessier to the show.

[00:00:42] Andrea is a certified master life coach and business alignment coach. She has trained in over 20 plus modalities including somatics, IFS, NLP and NVC.

[00:00:53] She is committed to supporting heart centered women entrepreneurs who struggle with overthinking and overwhelm to help them make aligned decisions for more fulfillment, impact and abundance.

[00:01:03] She endeavors to empower women entrepreneurs with a mission on their heart to get out of their own way and reclaim their life and impact that was placed on their soul.

[00:01:12] Andrea lives and breathes the mission when you grow, your business grows and is carving a path for women leaders aligned with their truth and their gifts to fulfill, fulfilled, empowered and create the lives that they are obsessed with.

[00:01:24] Listen in as Andrea shares her transformative journey from a rural following teacher to a fulfilled life coach.

[00:01:32] Andrea discusses the importance of unlearning societal expectations, addressing self doubt, setting boundaries and embracing somatic and nervous system regulation work.

[00:01:42] She encourages the audience to reframe their approach to self doubt, emphasizing inner child work, self compassion and the significance of soul work for deep meaningful growth.

[00:01:53] Andrea also delves into the human experience of unworthiness and self sabotage. And hey, don't most of us have that.

[00:02:01] Offering insights on how to navigate these challenges with grace and authenticity.

[00:02:06] Hi, I'm Michelle Sims, your host. I'm just a regular person who along with my family have had our share of messes that we too have had to overcome.

[00:02:15] Along the way, I got curious as to how others get through their messes and even triumph over them.

[00:02:20] Maybe there's a better way, a faster way. Maybe we can accelerate our journeys by learning from someone else.

[00:02:27] That started my pursuit. I think we can all learn from each other through the sharing of our experiences, lessons and knowledge.

[00:02:34] So join me for episode 56 of The Beauty and the Mess called Getting to the Soul Line with Andrea Tessier.

[00:02:41] So without further ado, let's dive right into today's conversation.

[00:02:46] Hi Andrea, welcome to The Beauty and the Mess. I'm so happy to have you with me today.

[00:02:50] Me too. Thank you so much for having me.

[00:02:53] Oh, you're welcome. Now, I know you're a certified master life coach among many, many other things.

[00:02:59] But before we get into that, is it okay to ask you like what led you down this path to be where you're at today?

[00:03:06] You have more than okay.

[00:03:08] I love talking about people's stories and people's journeys.

[00:03:15] Me too.

[00:03:17] And you know, I think that we can make the mistake of thinking that our paths need to be linear, that we just need to know what the thing is.

[00:03:25] And the more we talk to people about their true journeys, it's a lot messier than we think.

[00:03:30] And so I love talking about stories. And for me, you know, I was the girl who did everything she was supposed to do, right?

[00:03:40] I learned from a really young age the safest thing to do is follow the rules, keep your mouth shut, do what you're supposed to do and kind of fly under the radar.

[00:03:51] And just so that meant at school, I had to get everything right. It meant at home. I kind of kept it quiet.

[00:03:58] It meant in front groups. I didn't really rock the boat because being included was the most important thing to me.

[00:04:06] And that meant I also became a teacher because I learned how to do school so well.

[00:04:14] And I spent my first 13 years in my professional life in education and I was a teacher and I could follow all the rules and do all the things and the education system really loves that, right?

[00:04:29] It thrives out of that.

[00:04:31] And it got to a point in the last few years where I was like, I'm not really satisfied. I'm actually not really happy.

[00:04:40] And I started to consider what is it that I really want from life and what would make me feel fulfilled?

[00:04:49] And I realized that after years and years of my own personal development and alignment and spiritual work, that there's really two ways that people end up feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

[00:05:00] And it's because they're trying to do everything that they thought they were supposed to do or they just never felt safe enough to do something different.

[00:05:09] And so as I developed trusted myself and kind of exploring my own path, which ultimately led me here, that's where I started to experience fulfillment and aliveness and magic in my life.

[00:05:28] Wow.

[00:05:29] I was a lot of unlearning the patterns of what I thought I should do so that I could be who I really am.

[00:05:40] So that brings up a good point because I feel like a lot of us are programmed by society that this is the way you should be. This is what you should do.

[00:05:48] So if that's the case or if I'm anywhere near the right mark, how do we undo that? Because I know you talk about unlearning, but I mean some of these things are so ingrained in how we act, what we do, what we allow ourselves to do.

[00:06:04] How do you undo that?

[00:06:07] And then that's not a one answer. Like I wish I could just go to the store and there's a blue pill and you're done. Like that's not it, right?

[00:06:15] Which there was.

[00:06:17] And the first thing for most people is like realizing how unsatisfied and how unfulfilled you are.

[00:06:25] Right, and really for me it was a burnout. Like it was complete dissatisfaction, adrenal fatigue, burnout from my career.

[00:06:34] And most people end up hitting some sort of rock bottom before they realize they need to do something different.

[00:06:40] And I don't know why we need to learn that way. Like, I think that's the most messed up part about being human.

[00:06:47] But it is that hardship of like okay, something in this is not working, right?

[00:06:54] And for most of our lives and self included, we think that we're the problem.

[00:06:58] Right, well that must be me because this person seems to be doing okay and this person's doing what I'm doing and she seems okay.

[00:07:06] So I must be the problem, right? And then we get to a point where we're like, okay, well maybe part of this is me but like part of this is also this circumstance of what I learned and what I took on and what I've been burdened by.

[00:07:21] And starting to ask the question, how much of this is still useful to me and to where I want to go.

[00:07:30] And so the first step is really realizing that you're not okay, right? That something is off, that something doesn't sit well with you.

[00:07:40] And then starting to ask some questions. Does that make sense?

[00:07:44] Yeah, absolutely. And I think the other thing that I would note along with that is just that, you know, we might think that the other people are okay, but a lot of people put on facades, especially on social media.

[00:07:56] So it's not exactly what you think it is. You know what I mean?

[00:08:01] We all know those people as soon as you get to peek under the hood and you're like, oh, okay.

[00:08:09] Not quite what we thought was there.

[00:08:12] You know what, like, I'll even raise my hand up and be like, you know what? That was true for me too.

[00:08:17] I think it's good for everybody to an extent. We always want to put our best foot forward, you know, and show the good stuff.

[00:08:24] Yeah, I did a really good job of that for a really long time and most of me believed it, you know, because that was just the level of awareness that I had at the time.

[00:08:35] I would say that she met me at the gym or met me at work or met me at yoga.

[00:08:40] I would have been like, oh, okay, this girl, she's got her shit together.

[00:08:44] Right?

[00:08:46] And I believe it to an extent, but I would say that that version of me on the exterior looked like she had everything together because I had the dental plan and I had my summers off and I had a good group of friends and I had a steady

[00:09:04] career and on the outside it looked like I was okay.

[00:09:09] But at home, I was binging on Netflix.

[00:09:13] I was binging on food.

[00:09:14] I was binge drinking on the weekend.

[00:09:16] I was numbing out on social media because I wasn't okay.

[00:09:21] And I didn't actually realize that those indicators were

[00:09:24] trying to show me that I wasn't okay.

[00:09:26] So what was the trigger for the realization?

[00:09:29] Because I think when you're engrossed in all that stuff,

[00:09:32] when you're numbing out in different ways,

[00:09:35] I'm assuming and for myself,

[00:09:37] you're in denial that you're numbing out.

[00:09:40] So what was the trigger that made you go, oh wow.

[00:09:43] I burn out for my teaching career.

[00:09:46] Like that's what happened to me is it just all became way too much.

[00:09:51] And it wasn't like one single thing.

[00:09:54] It was years and years of accumulated stress and overwhelm

[00:09:59] and pretending and pushing through and just waiting for the next

[00:10:04] holiday.

[00:10:05] And it just ended in a burnout.

[00:10:08] And that was the trigger,

[00:10:10] but it was like the culmination of a lot of things.

[00:10:14] And I didn't have the capacity to even tap into the ways that

[00:10:20] I used to operate.

[00:10:22] Like pushing through wasn't an option because I didn't have

[00:10:24] the energy.

[00:10:25] Oh wow.

[00:10:26] I was like, yeah, I'm going to be doing this.

[00:10:28] And I was like, I'm going to be doing this.

[00:10:30] And masking up and pretending things were okay.

[00:10:33] It wasn't an option anymore because I didn't have the energy.

[00:10:36] And I was like, okay,

[00:10:38] none of the ways that I've shown up before are working for me.

[00:10:41] What do I do now?

[00:10:42] Yeah.

[00:10:43] It's scary.

[00:10:45] Right.

[00:10:46] It's scary. Yes.

[00:10:48] And that was the moment that was the best thing for me because

[00:10:51] I had to find a new way of operating.

[00:10:53] And I was like, I'm going to be doing that all of the ways that I

[00:10:56] was operating until then weren't serving me.

[00:11:01] And I needed to find a more aligned and authentic way of being.

[00:11:06] That really moved me more towards who I actually am.

[00:11:09] I hear that a lot these days.

[00:11:11] A lot of leaders and coaches,

[00:11:13] if you get involved in their things, they say, you know,

[00:11:16] who are you really?

[00:11:18] And I think for a lot of us,

[00:11:20] we're not going to be able to answer that.

[00:11:22] I mean, it sounds like it's super simple,

[00:11:25] but it's not,

[00:11:26] not if you're really honest with yourself.

[00:11:28] Oh, it's not.

[00:11:29] And the answer to that question is different every day.

[00:11:32] The answer to that question is different moment to moment.

[00:11:35] I mean,

[00:11:36] we could get really meta and esoteric and spiritual and,

[00:11:39] you know, have like that meaning.

[00:11:42] But really uncovering that is,

[00:11:45] is a life's work?

[00:11:47] Oh yeah. Absolutely.

[00:11:50] Michelangelo sort of, there's this metaphor when you ask Michelangelo

[00:11:54] about how he carved David.

[00:11:57] And he'll say that all he did with that big chunk of marble

[00:12:02] was remove all of the pieces that weren't David.

[00:12:05] Oh wow.

[00:12:07] What that revealed was this beautiful statue.

[00:12:11] And that's our truth.

[00:12:14] And that's our life work is just a removal of the pieces that

[00:12:18] aren't actually us.

[00:12:20] So now that we need to go somewhere and find who we are,

[00:12:24] but really uncover who we are underneath all of the patterns

[00:12:29] and the conditioning that we've been learning for decades.

[00:12:33] All right. That's a beautiful way to put it.

[00:12:35] I've never heard it that way.

[00:12:37] So thank you.

[00:12:38] I know you talk a lot about something that I think affects

[00:12:41] almost every woman on the planet, if not every man as well.

[00:12:44] But that's the feeling of unworthiness or not enoughness.

[00:12:49] I think you see it kind of streamlined through so many people.

[00:12:53] How do we get over that?

[00:12:56] And I think again, that's kind of a programming that we all

[00:12:59] get and we're taught that we're not enough.

[00:13:02] So how do you undo that?

[00:13:04] Yeah.

[00:13:05] Or can you ever fully?

[00:13:07] Absolutely.

[00:13:08] Absolutely.

[00:13:09] Absolutely.

[00:13:10] Okay.

[00:13:11] Absolutely.

[00:13:12] And here's the thing.

[00:13:14] We can make this really beautiful comparison again to nature.

[00:13:18] And if you think about an acorn inside the acorn,

[00:13:24] it has exactly what it needs to become an oak tree.

[00:13:30] Right?

[00:13:31] And we didn't know anything about biology or systems or nature.

[00:13:35] We didn't know anything about the nature of the acorn.

[00:13:38] And we didn't know that.

[00:13:39] So if you were to think about the nature of the acorn,

[00:13:42] you would see an acorn and you wouldn't see an oak tree and you

[00:13:45] would be like what?

[00:13:46] There is no way that that is that.

[00:13:48] But the truth is, is within the acorn is the blueprint for an

[00:13:51] oak tree.

[00:13:52] Right.

[00:13:53] And all that it needs is the appropriate conditions.

[00:13:58] Right.

[00:13:59] The weather, the soil, the right amount of sunlight,

[00:14:03] the right amount of sunlight, right?

[00:14:06] For us, it's, we need the right internal conditions of acceptance

[00:14:10] and growth mindset and the right external conditions.

[00:14:13] You know, with our, how we nourish ourselves and who we surround

[00:14:17] ourselves with.

[00:14:18] And we too,

[00:14:20] and become our own version of the oak tree.

[00:14:23] But the problem with humans is that we're an orange tree.

[00:14:29] Or we're an orange tree and we're looking over there at the

[00:14:32] pineapple bush and we're like, I wish it could just be a pineapple

[00:14:35] tree.

[00:14:36] Everybody loves pineapples.

[00:14:38] Like pineapple juice is so good.

[00:14:40] I wish it could just be a pineapple tree.

[00:14:42] And that's when we experience not enoughness.

[00:14:45] Because we're trying to be something that we're not rather

[00:14:47] than going like oranges are amazing.

[00:14:51] Right?

[00:14:52] Right.

[00:14:53] Oranges make marmalade and they make really great mimosas

[00:14:57] and they're a great fruit on their own.

[00:14:59] And you know,

[00:15:00] every kid at soccer practice wants to eat an orange.

[00:15:03] Like oranges are amazing.

[00:15:05] They're inherently enough.

[00:15:07] But the problem is with humans is we're trying to be something

[00:15:11] outside of us that we find.

[00:15:13] And so enoughness can be actualized the moment we stop

[00:15:18] looking outside of ourselves and deciding, oh, I need to be

[00:15:21] back rather than looking inside of ourselves and going, no,

[00:15:25] I will be this.

[00:15:26] Very true.

[00:15:27] So why do you think that so many of us engage in like

[00:15:30] self sabotage?

[00:15:31] I mean,

[00:15:32] things can be going really well and then we set ourselves up

[00:15:35] to fail.

[00:15:36] Yeah.

[00:15:37] Yeah.

[00:15:38] And self sabotage is an upper limit problem.

[00:15:40] Right.

[00:15:41] If things can only get so good and then I need to do

[00:15:44] something to mess this up.

[00:15:45] And we all do self sabotage to some extent.

[00:15:47] And I still do in my business.

[00:15:49] And I'm not a self sabotage.

[00:15:51] I'm not a self sabotage to some extent.

[00:15:53] And I still do in my business or my relationships.

[00:15:56] It's never intentional.

[00:15:58] Right.

[00:15:59] It's an indication that things are becoming too much.

[00:16:02] And I haven't really stretched in my capacity to fully

[00:16:05] own what I'm becoming.

[00:16:07] And it's part mindset, but part embodiment and like

[00:16:12] truly being able to hold and receive everything that

[00:16:18] life is offering us.

[00:16:20] Right.

[00:16:21] And not just the good, but the bad and being like,

[00:16:24] I welcome this.

[00:16:25] And so self sabotage is a really protective mechanism.

[00:16:30] That we get to work with.

[00:16:33] In my experience,

[00:16:35] self sabotage wasn't a thing that I could move through on

[00:16:39] my own.

[00:16:40] I've really needed a lot of support with that.

[00:16:43] And I still do.

[00:16:45] Like it comes up every time I'm reaching the next level in my

[00:16:49] business or kind of like the next level of intimacy and

[00:16:53] relationship.

[00:16:54] Right.

[00:16:55] There are parts that come up within me that are like,

[00:16:58] this is scary.

[00:16:59] This is new.

[00:17:00] When you do something in this circumstance to ruin,

[00:17:04] destroy what is here so I can be back where it's

[00:17:08] comfortable.

[00:17:09] And so it's really about building the capacity to feel

[00:17:13] safer, to stretch ourselves even into the good.

[00:17:18] Do you think some of it stems from a fear that we're back to

[00:17:22] that I'm not worthy?

[00:17:24] So if I start getting too much success,

[00:17:27] it's going to be taken away.

[00:17:29] So I have to do something to stop it.

[00:17:31] I can't say for sure, but that's what it seems like to me.

[00:17:34] It's like that waiting for the next shoe to drop.

[00:17:37] And if I'm the one that quote unquote,

[00:17:40] what ruins things, then I won't be disappointed.

[00:17:43] Right.

[00:17:44] Right.

[00:17:45] Then it can be me.

[00:17:46] Yeah.

[00:17:47] No one else or nothing else took it away from me because I

[00:17:50] stopped it.

[00:17:51] And none of this is conscious, right?

[00:17:54] We're running these programs and we get to bring a lot of

[00:18:00] compassion to that, right?

[00:18:02] Nothing ever heals in the energy of judgment.

[00:18:04] So we get to bring a lot of compassion to it because,

[00:18:07] you know, when I work with my clients or, you know,

[00:18:11] in my work with myself every single time,

[00:18:15] it makes a lot of sense that it exists.

[00:18:18] Right?

[00:18:19] If we track it back to somebody's history or childhood or,

[00:18:24] you know, something that's, it makes a lot of sense.

[00:18:27] And so if we start to judge ourselves or beat ourselves up

[00:18:33] for doing the thing again,

[00:18:35] we're actually doing the opposite of what we want.

[00:18:38] And so compassion is not complacency.

[00:18:40] It's not that it needs to always be that way,

[00:18:43] but what compassion allows us is an opportunity to change

[00:18:48] with it from love rather than something is wrong with me

[00:18:52] and I need to fix this.

[00:18:54] Right.

[00:18:55] And along those same lines,

[00:18:56] I think it seems easier to give other people compassion

[00:18:59] than to give it to yourself.

[00:19:01] Yeah.

[00:19:02] Well, I mean, were you taught how to be compassionate growing up?

[00:19:06] Not to myself.

[00:19:08] No, me either.

[00:19:11] I don't know a lot of women that were right.

[00:19:14] Be the caretaker, take care of everybody else.

[00:19:17] You do the thing and then you can do it all.

[00:19:21] Right?

[00:19:22] Oh, exactly.

[00:19:23] Don't ask for help.

[00:19:24] You can do it all.

[00:19:25] Of course you could be the mother and the good sister

[00:19:28] and the good friend and the profession.

[00:19:31] Like you can do it all.

[00:19:33] There's no room for compassion.

[00:19:35] Right.

[00:19:36] Right.

[00:19:37] And so most of us weren't ever taught that.

[00:19:40] And so then we get to adulthood and I was in my like late 30s,

[00:19:43] early 40s before I realized I can be nice to me.

[00:19:48] What?

[00:19:49] I think we're taught if we're nice to ourselves or compassionate

[00:19:52] to ourselves or give ourselves grace, whatever verbage we

[00:19:55] want to put to it that we're selfish.

[00:19:58] And that wasn't necessarily from my parents.

[00:20:01] I mean, it's just what I learned through society, you know,

[00:20:04] that you can't do those things or you're being selfish and you're

[00:20:07] not caring enough about the other people.

[00:20:09] Yeah, that's our legacy burden.

[00:20:12] And we can see that it's so messed up or a lot of us can see like

[00:20:16] that just doesn't feel right anymore.

[00:20:18] There's something really wrong with that.

[00:20:20] And you can see who benefits from that ideology.

[00:20:23] Right?

[00:20:24] That's pretty clear.

[00:20:25] Everybody but yourself.

[00:20:27] Yeah.

[00:20:28] And, you know, the thing that I saw most in myself and in my

[00:20:32] journey is belonging was so important to me, like having a

[00:20:36] sense of feeling like I was included feeling that I was

[00:20:41] liked feeling that I was part of something so important.

[00:20:44] It was so true for so many of us.

[00:20:47] Right?

[00:20:48] It is.

[00:20:49] Yeah.

[00:20:50] You know, if we even go back thousands of years like belonging

[00:20:54] meant survival.

[00:20:55] And so most of us will give up our sense of autonomy and

[00:21:00] sovereignty and self expression and truth for belonging.

[00:21:04] Because it's safer.

[00:21:06] It is safer.

[00:21:07] It is safer.

[00:21:08] And so we get to learn that also setting boundaries.

[00:21:13] And so we get to learn that we're not just going to

[00:21:17] be safe.

[00:21:18] We're going to be safe.

[00:21:20] And so we get to learn that also setting boundaries.

[00:21:25] Also taking up space.

[00:21:26] Also speaking our truth is also safe.

[00:21:29] And that gets to be done in community.

[00:21:32] Right?

[00:21:33] It gets to be done with other people who trust you and

[00:21:37] create the safe space alongside of you.

[00:21:40] None of this work is done in isolation.

[00:21:43] I mean, it can be a little bit.

[00:21:46] It can be a little bit of a challenge.

[00:21:48] But it's not just about the community.

[00:21:50] That's where we heal.

[00:21:51] Right?

[00:21:52] And that's where we learn to trust ourselves.

[00:21:55] Like I'm, a lot of my clients will come to me looking to

[00:21:58] feel empowered.

[00:21:59] Looking to trust themselves, looking for more confidence.

[00:22:03] And they learn that because I trust them.

[00:22:08] When you empower somebody and you trust somebody,

[00:22:11] they learn how to trust themselves.

[00:22:13] Right?

[00:22:14] Right.

[00:22:15] And it's almost this idea of like,

[00:22:17] you can borrow my belief until it's strong enough within you.

[00:22:23] Right?

[00:22:24] I think boundaries is a tough one though,

[00:22:27] because I think by the time you realize you have to set

[00:22:30] boundaries, if something gets so extreme and you're not a

[00:22:34] person that normally does,

[00:22:36] it's not always a safe place.

[00:22:38] I mean, you know that it has to be done,

[00:22:41] but it might be with people you don't trust or can't trust.

[00:22:46] And it doesn't feel so good in the moment.

[00:22:50] For sure.

[00:22:51] That's a really hard one for people who have had experiences

[00:22:55] with people pleasing.

[00:22:57] So huge ones.

[00:22:58] Yeah.

[00:22:59] Jager is, it's a massive one and it's essential,

[00:23:04] but it's so difficult.

[00:23:06] Yeah.

[00:23:07] It is.

[00:23:08] It's been a rough one for me.

[00:23:10] I know that.

[00:23:11] So you talk also about doing the necessary soul work.

[00:23:16] Would you want to explain to us what that is?

[00:23:19] Yeah.

[00:23:21] So the way that I see it,

[00:23:24] sort of the tradition I was taught in from my teachers and

[00:23:28] my mentors is that, you know, we can have a goal line.

[00:23:32] And that's what most of us like really understand is like,

[00:23:35] we can set achievement goals and we can set profession goals

[00:23:39] and we can set financial goals.

[00:23:41] And, you know, I want the house and like,

[00:23:44] we're really clear on setting goals.

[00:23:46] Like from the moment you can speak,

[00:23:48] it's like what are you going to be when you grow up?

[00:23:50] Right?

[00:23:51] There's goals all of the time.

[00:23:52] That's the way our society works is like,

[00:23:55] set the goal, achieve the thing.

[00:23:57] And before, you know, you take it off on your list.

[00:24:00] It's on to the next.

[00:24:01] However, the lineage that I come from with, you know,

[00:24:05] my coaches and teachers and mentors is we'll say there's also a soul line.

[00:24:09] Right?

[00:24:10] And when we're so focused on the goal line,

[00:24:12] we're actually missing a lot of the information and a lot of the growth

[00:24:16] that happens on the soul line,

[00:24:18] which is our emotional center,

[00:24:21] which is like what our heart wants,

[00:24:24] which is what our soul wants.

[00:24:26] And oftentimes it's when we're not putting in

[00:24:30] the time and the effort and the space and the love to move the needle

[00:24:35] on the soul line, we'll only get so far on the goal line.

[00:24:39] And so in my experience, it's like really going deep with that soul stuff.

[00:24:46] Right?

[00:24:47] With the essence of who you really are,

[00:24:50] that really drives your own personal alignment.

[00:24:55] And when that's in flow, everything is easier.

[00:25:00] Right?

[00:25:01] And so people will come to me because they have a block in an area.

[00:25:05] Right?

[00:25:06] They want to start their online business,

[00:25:09] but they come up with imposter syndrome and who am I?

[00:25:13] Right?

[00:25:14] Or they want the next level in their relationship,

[00:25:17] but there's conflict there or they experience a tremendous amount of

[00:25:21] overwhelm.

[00:25:22] They want the next achievement, but they can't get there because

[00:25:25] they're experiencing a lot of internal stuff.

[00:25:28] And so the soul work is the idea that nothing works until your

[00:25:33] inner world works.

[00:25:36] Right?

[00:25:37] Until we are compassionate with ourselves,

[00:25:39] until we can be loving, until we can be kind,

[00:25:42] until we can rest, until we can set boundaries,

[00:25:45] until we can trust ourselves.

[00:25:47] And that work is so much more important in my opinion than the

[00:25:53] goal work because when this soul work is working,

[00:25:58] the rest just kind of happens effortlessly.

[00:26:02] So I have to ask, I know you're trained in over 20 modalities.

[00:26:06] Which one or which ones do you feel are absolutely have been

[00:26:12] the most helpful for you in your journey?

[00:26:16] Or is there a few?

[00:26:18] Yeah.

[00:26:19] There might not just be one, but I just wondered what do you feel

[00:26:23] has moved the needle the most for you personally?

[00:26:26] Yeah, that's such a great question.

[00:26:28] I think what I definitely like body based somatic work,

[00:26:33] like nervous system work.

[00:26:35] So what I mean about that is being able to resource ourselves

[00:26:40] and know when we are feeling regulated,

[00:26:43] know when we are feeling dysregulating,

[00:26:46] being able to apply tools to come back into our body.

[00:26:51] Most of us are living in the world,

[00:26:53] right?

[00:26:54] And we're experiencing the world through thoughts,

[00:26:57] through beliefs, through patterns,

[00:26:59] and we're not really in our body where we can feel and sense

[00:27:03] and experience the world and somatic work,

[00:27:08] work to regulate the nervous system,

[00:27:11] work to like stretch our capacity has been the most essential.

[00:27:16] And that's where I see the most transformative growth,

[00:27:20] somatic work for sure and nervous system work for sure.

[00:27:24] Does that mean like when you're feeling dysregulated,

[00:27:27] that you're able to A, you're aware of it,

[00:27:30] but B, you can bring yourself back to a regulated state?

[00:27:35] 100%.

[00:27:36] Yes.

[00:27:37] Okay.

[00:27:38] People will go through the world either upregulated,

[00:27:41] right?

[00:27:42] Where we're anxious, where we're panicked,

[00:27:44] where we're hyper vigilant, where we're stressed.

[00:27:47] Some people live in that state a lot.

[00:27:49] Some people also live in like when they're downregulated

[00:27:53] and hypo arousal, where they're more depressed,

[00:27:56] where they're exhausted, where they experience fatigue

[00:27:59] and what we want to be able to do through nervous system work

[00:28:04] is actually find a balance in between.

[00:28:07] Because what will happen is, you know, in life,

[00:28:10] the trigger will happen, right?

[00:28:12] It's just going to happen like this work out moving the triggers.

[00:28:16] But what we want to be able to do is have tools at our disposal

[00:28:21] to either regulate us to come up after an activation happens

[00:28:26] or to regulate us to come down and to do the work

[00:28:29] to just stretch our capacity so that we can hold more

[00:28:33] and not be as reactive as life keeps life thing.

[00:28:38] And that's the game changer, right?

[00:28:41] Because that means our circumstances don't actually need

[00:28:46] to change for everything to be different, right?

[00:28:51] Your teenager can still be angry and slamming doors

[00:28:55] and it not make you want to rage.

[00:28:58] It means you still get caught off in traffic

[00:29:01] and not want to flip the guy off.

[00:29:03] It means you might still stand in a line

[00:29:06] and not want to lose your mind.

[00:29:09] Or on the flip side, want to go home and eat a chocolate cake

[00:29:14] or binge agents of Netflix.

[00:29:17] Wow.

[00:29:19] So what does that work look like?

[00:29:21] Is it like breath work?

[00:29:22] Is it meditation?

[00:29:23] All of the above, yes.

[00:29:25] But it's like breath work, meditation, consistently,

[00:29:29] deliberately, over time experiences,

[00:29:32] having safe experiences being in the body.

[00:29:36] Most of the times my clients will come to me

[00:29:38] and they'll know what overwhelm feels like,

[00:29:41] but they won't know the 15 steps that got them

[00:29:44] to overwhelm because they've been so disconnected.

[00:29:47] They can tell you what it feels like when they're there,

[00:29:50] but not all of the subtle ways the body's

[00:29:53] going to get there.

[00:29:55] Or they might have noticed some of those subtle cues,

[00:29:59] but they will have nothing to actually support the body.

[00:30:03] Because we're really good at analyzing things.

[00:30:06] We might be really good at knowing things,

[00:30:09] but actually doing taking three minutes to do a meditation,

[00:30:13] taking two minutes to do some breath work.

[00:30:16] Not so good at doing that in the moment.

[00:30:19] We want to get it done.

[00:30:21] We don't have time because we have all of these other things

[00:30:24] that we want to be doing.

[00:30:26] And so it makes a lot of sense.

[00:30:28] And the best gift we can get to anybody is a regulated nervous system.

[00:30:35] And those two minutes of breath work is always going to get you

[00:30:39] 30 minutes later or 20 more minutes of patience

[00:30:43] with your teenager or get you through that line

[00:30:47] at the grocery store or whatever it is that you need to.

[00:30:51] So excuse me, I'm not super familiar.

[00:30:54] So I have to ask questions, but does that actually change your emotions?

[00:30:58] Because I know if I'm reacting to something,

[00:31:01] I can see it emotionally and I can see it logically.

[00:31:05] I know I should be doing X, but I'm doing Y.

[00:31:09] And I see the difference, but you don't know how to stop it.

[00:31:13] Like to follow that logical path because the emotions are just going.

[00:31:18] Right, exactly.

[00:31:20] We're trying to like meet big emotions.

[00:31:23] We're trying to meet energy with logic.

[00:31:26] Exactly.

[00:31:27] It doesn't work.

[00:31:28] We need to meet energy with energy.

[00:31:30] We need to meet energy with presence.

[00:31:32] So does it work?

[00:31:33] Absolutely.

[00:31:34] I am living proof of it being, you know, perfectionist and stressed

[00:31:39] and burnout.

[00:31:40] And it's not perfect, but I can hold a business and live life as a

[00:31:46] woman and be dating in my forties and like, I'm good most of the time.

[00:31:52] So if you feel yourself starting to react,

[00:31:55] you can do one of these modalities and actually change the emotion

[00:32:01] and the moment.

[00:32:02] What's shifted for me is my capacity to hold more.

[00:32:06] So what used to stress me out, what used to feel overwhelming doesn't

[00:32:10] anymore because I just have more capacity to hold more of life.

[00:32:16] So I can hold the clients and my mastermind.

[00:32:19] I can hold the students that I support in my coaching program.

[00:32:22] I can support my dog.

[00:32:24] I can support my friends.

[00:32:26] I can support my aging family.

[00:32:28] And I'm still good.

[00:32:31] I'm still good.

[00:32:33] And so it's kind of like that baseline capacity has grown and

[00:32:39] stretched.

[00:32:40] And when activations happen, when triggers happen,

[00:32:44] because I am still human and things happen,

[00:32:48] I'm able to get on top of it and soothe my body and regulate

[00:32:53] myself a lot sooner than having to what I used to do would be

[00:32:59] to stay on top of it and I would be able to go beyond that and

[00:33:03] do my best to do it.

[00:33:05] And so it's like, yeah, I've been working on this for over the

[00:33:08] last couple eight hours and Netflix.

[00:33:10] That was just the way that I coped with things not realizing

[00:33:13] that it was a coping strategy.

[00:33:15] And so now it's just so much more balanced and so much healthier

[00:33:18] so it totally can shift in big ways.

[00:33:21] Yeah, sounds wonderful.

[00:33:23] So I know you also talk about the three secrets to healing

[00:33:27] that soft doubt.

[00:33:28] So healing self doubt. First of all, it's the nervous system. Self

[00:33:36] doubt again is one of those places our mind loves to go when

[00:33:40] we are dysregulated, when we are afraid, when we are being

[00:33:45] stretched, when we are in circumstances that are new. When

[00:33:50] we're saying you know what I used to be in you know, box A

[00:33:54] and I want to be in box B, it's so normal to experience

[00:33:58] self doubt. And so the first secret or strategy is really to

[00:34:04] be able to relate to self doubt is not a something that we need

[00:34:09] to get rid of. It's actually a really normal response to doing

[00:34:16] bigger things in life, right? And it still comes up for me

[00:34:20] when I want to do things that are new when I want to do

[00:34:23] things that I've never done before, it will always come

[00:34:27] but what's shifted is the way that I relate to self doubt. And

[00:34:33] that means I'm no longer trying to get rid of it. It's no

[00:34:38] longer making the choices for me. I am and so it gets a seat on

[00:34:44] the bus, but it's not driving. How do you stop it from

[00:34:47] entering into your decisions? It's really about being like

[00:34:50] okay, I get it like you can be here. Okay. Right, I get

[00:34:55] here because this makes sense. This is a new thing that I'm

[00:34:58] doing and I'm still really excited about it. This thing is

[00:35:06] going to take me closer to where I want to be so I'm still

[00:35:09] going to do it. You can be here self doubt. That makes a

[00:35:13] lot of sense. You can sit in the back seat and I'm

[00:35:16] still going to do it. Okay. And so now when I move the

[00:35:20] system is more regulated, right? We have a bigger

[00:35:23] capacity to actually do that and then we can move through

[00:35:28] life without it making decisions for us. And so we even

[00:35:33] get to be compassionate to and with our experience of

[00:35:37] self doubt. Okay. And that sounds like it's just

[00:35:41] accepting that it's always going to be a part of

[00:35:43] things, but you determine how much of a part it's

[00:35:47] going to be. Yeah. Yeah. And you know another one

[00:35:51] of my power tools out of like the 20 modalities that I

[00:35:55] love is inner child work and parts work. And I've

[00:35:59] really come to see my doubt part as like a really

[00:36:02] beneficial part of my system. I have a relationship

[00:36:07] with it so I can sit there and listen to it and I can

[00:36:11] really get it and understand that it has a really

[00:36:15] positive intention in my system to keep me safe.

[00:36:18] Right. Right. It's kept me from humiliating myself or

[00:36:22] it's kept me from feeling embarrassment or from

[00:36:25] failing and that's really important. And so I really

[00:36:29] do appreciate it and when I can work with the doubt

[00:36:33] as an aspect of myself, it actually starts to feel

[00:36:37] more seen and heard and appreciated and it

[00:36:40] doesn't feel as loud in my system. That's

[00:36:43] interesting. Yeah. Yeah. And so that's another

[00:36:46] modality that I love is incorporating internal family

[00:36:49] systems and parts work and inner child work into

[00:36:54] healing because that's when we really get to work with

[00:36:57] those like subconscious parts of us in a really

[00:37:00] kind and loving and compassionate way. Right.

[00:37:03] Even doubt, even the inner critic, even our inner

[00:37:06] judge, even our people, please your parts, even

[00:37:09] our perfectionist parts get to be met with love

[00:37:11] and compassion. Well, and I think when we can meet

[00:37:15] those parts it's counterintuitive because we think

[00:37:18] like, oh well if I give attention to the doubt or

[00:37:22] if I give attention to my inner critic, it's just

[00:37:25] going to run the show but the opposite is true.

[00:37:28] That is amazing really. Because you would think

[00:37:32] the more you focus on it the more it would take

[00:37:34] control. Yeah. The focus is not like letting it

[00:37:39] lead. The focus is kind of like looking at it

[00:37:43] like a toddler. Have you ever experienced a toddler

[00:37:45] that wants something? Yeah. And they're kind of

[00:37:48] tugging on your shirt sleeve and they just get louder

[00:37:51] and louder right until you give them the attention

[00:37:54] they need. Right. But it doesn't even let the

[00:37:56] toddler do whatever they want. No. But you are

[00:38:00] going to look them and say, what is it? Oh I hear

[00:38:03] you. Yeah, I really get that and you're

[00:38:06] going to give them a hug and a little smooching

[00:38:08] and they're on their way. And the same is true

[00:38:11] for these parts like doubt and are in a credit.

[00:38:16] I've done some inner child work through

[00:38:18] hypnotherapy and I'm certified in hypnotherapy

[00:38:21] as well so I believe a lot in the inner

[00:38:24] child work but it's amazing what you discover

[00:38:29] is still there from I mean I went my whole life

[00:38:33] not realizing that some of the ways I react

[00:38:37] or respond or think about things even or that

[00:38:39] inner critic was from long ago and the inner critic

[00:38:44] was saying things that they weren't even my words.

[00:38:47] They were things that were said to me from

[00:38:49] someone else and I just repeated it on loop.

[00:38:53] Yeah. Wow, powerful awareness. Yeah. I've come

[00:38:59] to see that we will parent ourselves the way

[00:39:04] that we were parented. It will speak to ourselves

[00:39:07] and will adopt the way that we were spoken to.

[00:39:10] Right. Well first I should ask you do you believe

[00:39:13] that that is a driving force in most of us?

[00:39:16] The inner child? For a lot of people yes.

[00:39:19] I agree. I've had a six-year-old trying to run my business for years.

[00:39:26] I was like oh no, we're not doing this anymore.

[00:39:29] I love you but like you could sit in the back or give you a toy,

[00:39:35] you can hang out but you're not running my business.

[00:39:40] That's funny. Yeah. And I think a lot of those same people that it is a driving force

[00:39:46] a lot of them have no idea just like I had no idea.

[00:39:50] No. It doesn't even come into your consciousness you know.

[00:39:53] Exactly and that's why these conversations are so illuminating for some people

[00:39:59] but it's important for us to share our stories.

[00:40:01] So people go oh me too. Oh I didn't realize that was a thing.

[00:40:07] Just start to become aware and you know I've been trained under this

[00:40:14] this idea that like awareness precedes choice.

[00:40:18] Right and if we're not aware we'll just keep going on with what we know to be true

[00:40:24] but when we become aware of something when we see something that we've never seen before

[00:40:29] you can't unsee that. Right and that awareness is so important and so validating

[00:40:37] but that's also the point where we get to choose something different.

[00:40:43] I think that the struggle with a lot of us is that even though you choose something

[00:40:48] different there's so many driving forces if you're not careful you tend to buy habit or

[00:40:53] I'm not sure what but you'll go right back because it's familiar it's comfortable.

[00:40:58] Exactly. Habits are so well oiled right like when you buy a new pair of jeans you're like oh my

[00:41:06] gosh those jeans are so cute I'm gonna look so good and you put them on and they feel like

[00:41:10] cardboard. Like I'm just gonna wear the old jeans that are like ripped in the crotch

[00:41:16] and too short for me because they are way more comfortable. Right that's habits right

[00:41:24] and it takes time to work those new pair of jeans before they feel comfortable again.

[00:41:28] Habits are the low hanging fruit they are exactly where we're gonna go if we've had a bad day

[00:41:35] or we're triggered even slightly we're always going to go back to that habit until we work

[00:41:42] so many times with discipline, with compassion, with coaching, with like remembering and reminders

[00:41:52] and accountability and you know we work it so long for them to actually finally feel comfortable.

[00:42:01] Right. Right and of course it's hard to change because I don't know about you I'm in my 40s if

[00:42:08] I've been doing something since I was six a long time like that's going to take a while and so it's

[00:42:15] not something that you just see and it changes the next day especially if it's determined your survival

[00:42:23] no it takes time it takes patience it takes compassion it takes support and community again

[00:42:31] to see you and remind you who you are and that you can do it. So that makes me want to ask

[00:42:36] you what is your belief of the repetition that it takes to create a new habit because I've heard

[00:42:42] anywhere from 20 times to 400 times what's your belief on that or is there a magic? It takes as

[00:42:50] long as it takes and like I just said those survival strategies like if you adopted a survival

[00:42:57] strategy as a kid where I'm not going to say anything because saying something speaking my

[00:43:03] truth is unsafe and I'm going to get yelled at that was a survival strategy. Right absolutely.

[00:43:11] That's going to be a lot harder to break than something like you picked up more recently that

[00:43:15] wasn't as detrimental to your survival and so you know somebody will say 21 days to have a new

[00:43:24] habit other people neuroscience will say 90 days others say 40 days you know what it takes as

[00:43:31] long as it takes right it takes as long as it takes and there are factors in my opinion that make it

[00:43:41] easier right that process easier and it's of course discipline it's a course accountability but it's

[00:43:47] also having people in your corner that are going to cheer you on that are going to help pick you

[00:43:53] up when you get frustrated when you forget that are going to remind you who you are and

[00:43:58] you can do it and I think you hit on something huge that I've never really heard anybody else say but

[00:44:04] if that habit was formed from trauma it's way bigger than a habit that you've just picked up

[00:44:10] along the way and so you have to expect it to take a lot longer to switch it change it

[00:44:19] because it's fulfilling a really deep-seated need for safety and the thing is if we're not

[00:44:27] getting that need met somewhere else it's always going to trumpet right with that little inner

[00:44:35] child too until you work through that it's always going to trumpet because you never really

[00:44:40] feel safe even if you are safe you still have that core feeling of you're not

[00:44:47] you're not yeah that's what makes us all the same and that's what makes this work so beautiful when

[00:44:54] it comes down to those really basic human core needs of safety and love and acceptance you know my

[00:45:02] trauma is not your trauma my path is not yours and every person listening has had a different

[00:45:08] experience of life but that's what makes us all the same is that we have had our own struggles

[00:45:14] whatever that looks like and we can meet each other there with compassion and acceptance

[00:45:21] and love and legacy that's neat so I know we're edging on time here but I wanted to

[00:45:29] give you plenty of time to talk about what you do and what you offer to people so that they're aware

[00:45:35] beautiful so a couple of things that I'm doing here in there I work with some entrepreneurs

[00:45:41] that want to do business and life in a more aligned way and I have a mastermind

[00:45:47] that's starting in January called inspire her that I will be enrolling for I've just opened the doors

[00:45:54] and so if somebody's in entrepreneurship in coaching and wants to be with other women in

[00:45:59] the space who are more heart centered like that's a great place to land so you can definitely

[00:46:05] message about that and then I offer one-on-one coaching to a handful of people in a few

[00:46:11] different containers and that's where we really get to do the deep belief shifting work and I get

[00:46:17] to hold the vision of your dream and your why with you or help you find it if you don't know

[00:46:25] I was just going to ask that help you you know discover that within yourself if you don't know

[00:46:34] but really by doing a lot of the unconscious belief shifting work

[00:46:39] that isn't serving you anymore and that's from nervous system and somatic perspective

[00:46:43] that's working with the inner child and it's just a lot of deep support and compassion and

[00:46:52] it's a really beautiful container if people feel aligned because the truth is we aren't ever

[00:46:59] meant to do this work alone we weren't designed that way especially as women

[00:47:04] we're actually meant to be in community and in sisterhood and so if anybody is starting

[00:47:12] on their path of self-discovery or starting to realize I'm not sure if this is working for me

[00:47:19] anywhere it's such a great place to be and that's such a great place to reach out for support

[00:47:25] and I think that's an important message too because I think especially women

[00:47:30] and it could be men as well I don't know but I do know a lot of women that you do feel like

[00:47:35] you're supposed to deal with all this stuff on your own especially when it's your own junk right

[00:47:41] you're supposed to take care of it because you take care of everybody else's you should take

[00:47:45] care of your own and sometimes that's not possible or it could be a lot easier if you

[00:47:53] reached out for help for sure so much easier so much easier with support so do you have like a

[00:48:01] community as well I mean I know you're talking in community with you but the people in your groups

[00:48:07] get together like a Facebook group yeah I mean I would definitely suggest following me on Instagram

[00:48:13] it's just my name testie.andrea and there's people there that engage and connect in a really

[00:48:19] beautiful way and then you know of course for entrepreneurs if the mastermind is something

[00:48:24] that aligns those that space and then working with me and when I went yeah that's awesome and I was just

[00:48:31] going to ask like how people could get in touch with you so you have a website as well right

[00:48:36] yeah yes I'm sure you'll drop that in the show notes and oh absolutely yeah emails are great

[00:48:43] way Andrea at andrea-tessie.com or on Instagram it's the reverse of my name T-E-S-S-I-E-R dot

[00:48:51] Andrea A-N-D-R-E-A and I'm there and I like love connecting with people like I really love it

[00:48:58] I love getting messages I love getting questions I love when people hop into my DMs with like

[00:49:04] hey I heard you on Beauty and the Mask like can you say this thing and it really landed

[00:49:10] that shit lights me up that's awesome when you're feeling a ping to reach out it is literally me on

[00:49:18] the other end it is not a bot it's not somebody I've hired it's me and that says a lot in this day

[00:49:27] and age it really does so to have that personal touch that you know you're actually talking to

[00:49:32] the person so yeah it's awesome so one last question before we wrap it up and that's is

[00:49:38] there anything we haven't talked about today that you really want to make sure that the listeners

[00:49:43] hear? You're not broken there's nothing in you that needs to be fixed these may be parts of

[00:49:55] yourself that you haven't met yet you're not broken. That's beautiful well thank you I have

[00:50:06] honestly and truly enjoyed our discussion today and I know we talked about a lot of things I

[00:50:11] appreciate you sharing a lot of your wisdom with us so it was really fun for me.

[00:50:18] This is like my favorite topic so awesome they're mine too so well thank you so much

[00:50:25] it's been great having you so welcome thank you as we wrap up today's episode I hope

[00:50:31] Andrea sharing her knowledge experience and wisdom has helped you in some way I think the main takeaway

[00:50:36] for me was that if some of your habits that you picked up or formed I should say from childhood

[00:50:44] were formed from trauma or some sort of survival or coping mechanism then it's going to take a bit

[00:50:50] longer and perhaps more work to resolve it and that's something that makes 100 percent sense

[00:50:57] but until it clicks for you like it just did me I don't know how to explain it it was just

[00:51:03] an aha moment and I think it was fascinating for the Andrea who is certified in over 20 plus modalities

[00:51:11] when I asked her what was the number one most helpful modality in her opinion she said it

[00:51:17] was the somatic and nervous system work that she would put at the top of the list and I think

[00:51:22] that was another aha moment for me and I loved how she made everything so easy to understand and

[00:51:28] relatable it's just a pleasure to listen to her so what stood out to you and I would love to hear

[00:51:34] from you as always I hope this episode helps at least one person and with that I hope you have

[00:51:39] a blessed week my friend thank you for listening to the beauty in the mess if you enjoyed what

[00:51:48] you heard please share it with a friend and if you haven't already please subscribe rate and

[00:51:53] review this podcast on your favorite pod player if you have any questions or comments any topic ideas

[00:51:59] you would like to hear about or you think you would be a great guest on the show you can reach

[00:52:04] me directly at the beauty in the mess calm thanks for listening