Ep. 160 You Were Never Meant To Earn Your Worth with Jessica King

[00:00:06] I'm Michele Simms and this is The Beauty in the Mess, a community where people who crave a shift in mindset, personal growth, and connection to like-minded people come together to start rewriting their stories. Through engaging, honest, and insightful conversations, the show will help you embrace the mess to recognize the meanings and the lessons it holds and discover its hidden treasures to help you start making a mindset shift. Let's listen, learn, and reclaim who we were meant to be.

[00:00:34] Hi friend, welcome to The Beauty in the Mess. Today's guest is Jessica King, a licensed social worker, founder of Eldercare Collaborative, and creator of No One's Shiny New Toy. With more than 15 years of experience helping families navigate some of life's most difficult transitions, Jessica has seen firsthand how our childhood experiences, relationships, and even workplace environments can quietly shape the way we see ourselves.

[00:01:01] What began as a painful experience in Jessica's own career became the catalyst for a much bigger mission, helping women recognize the patterns that keep them overachieving, overextending, people-pleasing, and tying their worth to what they do instead of who they are. In this conversation, we explore how developmental trauma can influence our identity, why so many women struggle with boundaries and burnout, and how survival strategies that once protected us can quietly hold us back as adults.

[00:01:30] We also talk about caregiving, purpose, self-worth, and what it really looks like to stop carrying burdens that were never ours to begin with. Whether you've ever struggled with people-pleasing, questioned your worth, or found yourself exhausted from constantly taking care of everyone else, I think you'll find hope, validation, and encouragement in today's conversation. Hi, I'm Michele Simms, your host. I'm just a regular person who, like so many others, has faced my fair share of messes.

[00:01:57] Life hasn't always been neat or easy, but it's taught me a lot, and somewhere along the way I got deeply curious. How do other people make it through their messes and not just survive, but thrive? That started my pursuit. I started searching for stories, wisdom, and real strategies, not only for myself, but for anyone looking for a better way forward. Maybe there is a faster way, a softer way, a more human way, and maybe we don't have to figure it out alone.

[00:02:24] I believe we grow through shared stories, lived wisdom, and the beautiful mess of being human. So welcome to the conversation. I'm so glad you're here. Please join me for episode 160 of The Beauty in the Mess, called You Were Never Meant to Earn Your Worth with Jessica King. So without further ado, let's get into it. Hi, Jessica. Welcome to The Beauty and the Mess. I'm so grateful to have you with me today. Thanks, Michelle. It's my pleasure to be here. Awesome.

[00:02:52] Now, I know you're a social worker and entrepreneur, among many other things, but before we kind of dig into your professional aspects, I was wondering if you could tell us some of your background story. Like, what's led you down the path that you're currently on? So the last three years of my life have really been just a crazy ride when it came to my different careers. I always came from a family where everyone worked a nine-to-five, and entrepreneurship was never on my radar at all.

[00:03:22] But after my last three career experiences, I decided that it was time for me to really create something where I set the tone, where I had control over the standards and expectations, so that I could just be living my most authentic life of really wanting to help people, and what I think that should look like. That's awesome. So I know you talk about a moment that kind of defined things for you. Can you tell us about that?

[00:03:52] Yeah. There's a little backstory. So I had been working in healthcare during COVID. It was a really interesting time to be in that field. And then through some structural reorganization, my position had been eliminated. And I was talking to my financial advisor about rolling over some of my retirement accounts, and he asked me if I would ever consider a career change. And I said, absolutely not. Social workers and math.

[00:04:20] We are not known to be good friends. So I said no a couple of times, and he was pretty insistent that it would be a good fit for me, how I communicate and engage. And I had this moment where I thought, okay, if someone else sees these positive traits in me, and that this would be a good fit, what do I have to lose right now? Let's try something new. So for two years, I was on that path. I got licensed.

[00:04:45] I was in the kind of queue to be taking over for the financial advisor when his time came for retirement. So grooming and mentoring and education. And got to the point where I was ready to sign the paperwork. And there were some undertones just in the office in general that didn't sit well with me. And before I signed that paperwork, I had to address something.

[00:05:09] In the office, someone, another female coworker, had referred to me as the boss's shiny new toy. And it didn't sit well with me because of everything I had accomplished to be in that role and how challenging it was. And just that in the course of my life, I have dealt with a lot of, I've tolerated a lot of just disrespect and whatnot to try to keep the peace.

[00:05:37] And that's kind of what no one's shiny new toy is about really. Why we tolerate and why we overperform and overextend ourselves to try to just keep everyone happy in that positive structure. But when I was told that I was the boss's shiny new toy and tried to hold that person accountable and set an appropriate boundary for professional expectations, it wasn't well received.

[00:06:03] And the boss, when I went to him actually, he told me that maybe it was a compliment. So to be so misaligned with what the context of that comment meant was really disheartening because he was someone that I still admire and find to be very, very intelligent. And it's everything from all these career experiences that I've taken and just use them as life lessons.

[00:06:30] And I hold no animosity or ill will because I appreciate everything I've learned from all of my recent career experiences. And I've taken them to help build something that I think is truly, truly special. So it wasn't a good moment at the time, but I still am appreciative of the experience. Yeah, you made me think when you were talking because I work in a very male dominated atmosphere, I guess you'd say.

[00:06:58] And how do you respond to something without over-responding? You know, I'm to the point now that I feel like I can't tolerate it anymore. I've put up with it forever, but I almost am on the verge of overreacting because I've just let it go too long. And it's more of a, I didn't get a comment like the boss of shiny new toy, but I get treated like I'm invisible.

[00:07:22] Like all of my achievements are absorbed by men and touted as if they did it instead of me. It's like, I don't even exist, even though I'm putting out lots of productive things, but it's as if I'm not even there. So how do you respond and stop tolerating it without overreacting and going a whole different direction? So it took a lot of patience. It's not something that I reacted to right away.

[00:07:52] When it was brought to my attention that someone had in the office had called me the boss's shiny new toy, I really, I had to weigh my next steps. Is it something that I could move past on? And it's, I sat with it for actually a couple of weeks. And it's interesting because simultaneously I was going on, I was going through something in my personal life as well, that was very parallel to what I was experiencing at work.

[00:08:17] And I feel like if I had had the reserves that weren't being sucked by the personal things that were going on, maybe I would have had a little bit more tolerance for it just because it was something I thought I wanted. This pathway of being a financial advisor and eventually kind of stepping into a leadership role.

[00:08:37] And the reason I initially tolerated it was because as a social worker, we are taught to see people from their strengths. We are taught to understand that everyone is operating from their own systems of trauma. And my whole life I saw, I had tried to apply that for my profession. But this was the moment that I realized that just because someone else has experienced trauma,

[00:09:06] someone else has, is operating from that standpoint, we've all experienced some level of trauma and I don't treat people that way. And that's, that really was what kind of changed the mechanism to be, just because I understand that you have your own system of pain and insecurities, doesn't mean you are allowed to project them onto me. And I think the worst part of this was it was a female to female, right?

[00:09:30] So in your situation where you're in a male dominated field and you're being obscured by male accomplishments or who men who are taking over credit for what you've done. I think that it really highlights some of the, the gendered dynamics that we see in the workplace where men are praised for certain characteristics and women are criticized. Men are assertive, but an assertive woman is bossy. And men are decisive, but women are just being difficult.

[00:09:59] And men are confident, but women are intimidating. And men might be seen as ambitious and they're using their skills and they're being ambitious. Whereas that same skill set on a woman is perceived as manipulative. And it's just very unfair that women are pressured to be both highly competent and endlessly accommodating in workplaces. And that's kind of, I had had enough of that experience.

[00:10:29] I can understand. I truly can. Yeah. So where do we get, I know you talk about women feeling like they have to earn self-worth, which, you know, I see like an epidemic of a lack of self-worth being expressed by women. But where do we get that from? Is it from the way by our gender that we're taught growing up? Or is it from society or where do we learn that we have to earn it? I think it can come from a lot of different places.

[00:10:58] In my personal experience, I learned that some childhood developmental traumas early on really can quietly shape our identities, our relationships, our leadership, and our self-worth. And I think it's important to say that I am a social worker, but my presentation is not meant to be therapeutic.

[00:11:17] And I really try not to trigger people because the definition of trauma can be so widespread that it doesn't necessarily need to be direct like abuse or horrendous neglect. Sometimes having developmental trauma or childhood trauma can simply be just that something was missing in our early child experiences when our brains were developing and we're missing a key piece of nurturing or safety or security.

[00:11:46] And I think that's the piece that is so conditioned in our society that that's why women end up being people pleasers and they end up tying their worth to how useful they are and what they carry for everybody else. And they really get lost in that puzzle of trying to navigate environments and manage other people's emotions.

[00:12:11] So, again, sometimes when I talk about this, it can be triggering because people don't always realize that maybe their childhood wasn't as idyllic as they thought that it was.

[00:12:21] And some of these, what they think are personality traits, the overextending, the overexplaining, the overperforming, the perfectionism, which they sometimes, again, feel as positive characteristics could actually be survival adaptations from early childhood experiences where we were learning to stay small because that meant staying safe, where we were learning to manage the emotions of other people's by suppressing our own.

[00:12:50] And those skills were likely very, very, very children. They helped us survive in our environment. But when we follow them into our adult selves and our adult environments, it's hard to realize that sometimes those skills are no longer necessary and they're no longer serving us. And they're actually holding us back from living the life that we want to live.

[00:13:15] So, if it's so ingrained, because I actually feel like I know a lot of people that did come male and female from some kind of childhood trauma. And I have a psychology degree as well. I'm not licensed in anything, not trying to pretend I am. But I see a lot of people operating based. I mean, I feel like I just told somebody that the other day. He asked me about people's behaviors. And I said, well, I see a lot of childhood trauma being acted out.

[00:13:40] I mean, it's like when you try to process it as a six-year-old, seven-year-old or eight-year-old, you never go back and reprocess it as an adult. You just keep operating, like you said, survival techniques. So, if it's so ingrained in us, those that have suffered some kind of trauma, how do we get over it without? I mean, can you get over it without therapy of some kind? Is it possible to stop repeating those behaviors?

[00:14:06] I think it's always important if you're triggered by anything that you find someone that you trust, a friend, a therapist, that you can process some of these emotions. Because it can be very, very challenging. I think the biggest issue is that most people think that they're part of their personality. And they might not even make those connections that this could be from something deeper. And like you mentioned, we don't go back and really process it as a six-year-old because those experiences have shaped how our brain functions.

[00:14:34] Like, it's very biological to think about the way that when we're born and we don't have the words, we don't have the capacity and the language to really talk about what we're experiencing. It comes out in different ways. So, for example, one of the most basic needs, if you're a child and you're looking to connect with a caregiver and they're struggling emotionally because maybe they have their own history or trauma or their own mental health issues,

[00:15:00] and you're looking for the basic survival of being fed and having food, sometimes when we struggle with that in early childhood, we can see that pattern adapting as we grow into, like, disordered eating and whatnot. There's lots of research. And again, just like you, I don't try to speak outside of my scope of knowledge, so it's really anecdotal.

[00:15:21] But there are lots of attention deficit disorder that now that's being linked to trauma, eating disorders that can be linked to early childhood trauma. And it's because of these neural pathways in our brain that we're developing so critically. And again, they were missing a key component of something that just led them to a different direction of trying to always be in this safety and security mode. And again, I think it's important.

[00:15:49] I don't, from my experience, look to blame anyone, my parents, my family, prior employers. I think it's just blame is a part of the grief process, but we can't stay stuck there because then we can't move forward towards healing.

[00:16:03] And healing is so personal because you can have parents and families, caregivers who were really trying their best, but something in their past, again, we talk about kind of everyone's operating from their own set of traumas, could have been the catalyst for why they weren't maybe the best caregiver or they struggled themselves.

[00:16:24] You brought up a good point as far as a lot of times people think it's part of their personality, these traits, but it actually does or can become part of your identity, can it? The people pleasing, the overachieving. So how do you kind of shift that identity? Then say you're an overachiever and when those achievements stop, who are you after that? How do you maintain a new identity after that?

[00:16:51] So it's funny that you ask because that is absolutely something that I identify with. Like as a child, I was a perfect student and I didn't need help with homework because that was troublesome for my parents. And I was straight A and finished college early and I felt like I did everything the right way. And even though I felt like I did everything the right way, I still had negative outcomes later in life. And that actually was the first catalyst to like a major identity crisis.

[00:17:16] When I had that job separation, when my job was eliminated, that led to my very first like panic attack. Like it was such an identity crisis issue and a lack of security like financially. And that's really where the whole, this whole process started. Because before that, I would have told you that I had a pretty normal childhood and that I don't think that I had really any major issues. But that moment that really shook my core of what I thought my identity was.

[00:17:45] And it's when you have to recognize that these characteristics that you feel are so ingrained with your personality, that if you can recognize that they are causing you harm in any way, that's when you have to recognize that you are worthy without overachieving and overperforming and carrying things for everyone else. That our worth is inherently ours, not by what we do for others. It doesn't have to be earned.

[00:18:12] And that is a very hard progression because you've been doing it, what, 20, 30, 40, 50 years or more. And it's a very long process to take and just step back and realize you can be successful based on how you define it as opposed to people pleasing and overextending yourself to make other people happy. You have to figure out what makes you happy and who the person you want to, who is the person that you want to be.

[00:18:40] Yeah, I think it is hard because I've been having conversations with myself, I guess, lately. Like if I wanted to shift careers or whatever, because your job even becomes a huge part of your identity. It's just and then all of those other pieces kind of cling to it. So, yeah, I keep thinking, who am I if I'm not this? And it's a very hard, it seems like a very hard transition, put it that way. Yeah, it definitely can be, especially if you've been in your career for a long time.

[00:19:10] It's always, though, so important just to kind of look at the role that you have and figure out where your transferable skills are and see if you can find happiness utilizing those skills elsewhere and then still feel successful. It's a very individual journey. And that's why it's so good, though, to have these conversations because they're real and they're authentic and so many women feel stuck and they stay because it's easier, right?

[00:19:39] They stay in these misaligned environments because they're fixers. And if they can fix the situation, if they can give enough of themselves and their understanding and patient, and whether it's through loyalty or love, personal relationships, you're eventually expecting that that energy is going to get reciprocated. And that's what exhausts us. That's what burns us out. And it's that resentment that really creates like that sense of self-abandonment eventually.

[00:20:07] If we keep the pace that we do sometimes as women. Oh, I think you're spot on because I think there's another aspect in all of this, too. Like if you stop the people pleasing, if you stop the overachieving, if you stop trying to be everything for everybody, there's a lot of guilt that comes in. And that's not fair, but it's there. You know, you've got to deal with that on top of everything else. So it's a lot of guilt.

[00:20:33] And it's also because when you work so hard to please everybody else, you're trying to maintain that relationship. So you're trying to avoid the loss. You're trying to avoid the conflict. It all goes back to trying to create and stabilize your environment so that it's secure. So when you disappoint someone that can just be really detrimental to someone who has any type of like developmental trauma or childhood trauma because of that piece of loyalty.

[00:21:03] But it's really hard because we are just we are looking for that external validation of our worth as opposed to being able to find it internally. That's really what it boils down to. So how hard was it for you to make that shift to find that validation internally? It is to this day as much of an advocate as I am, something that I deal with on a regular basis.

[00:21:28] Because so I'm 41 and I've been on this journey just a few years and I've lived decades with this personality and this dysfunction and these survival techniques. And as much as I've accomplished and as proud as I am of it, there's still this voice in the back of my head that's always going to want to kind of regress back to my old habits and my own ways because that's what's comfortable. Right. That's what helped me feel safe and secure for how many decades.

[00:21:58] And I still find myself questioning if I'm doing enough in my business, in my personal life for my own children. And imposter syndrome is something I deal with on a regular basis. And a lot of people are surprised by that because a lot of high capacity, highly functioning, successful women struggle with all of these things in the background. And they can't let anybody know that it's happening because then that again diminishes their external validation of the worth.

[00:22:27] So it's really hard as a highly capable woman because we still have these same fears. And if we let that kind of mask drop of how confident we are and have people see all the real struggles behind it, it's very exposing. So I think that a lot of other women really need to hear that behind the mask of so many highly high performing capable women, they're struggling just as much as you are.

[00:22:54] Because then that stops us up for not comparing ourselves to others. Which is also very hard not to do. Mm hmm. Yeah. Comparison is the absolute thief of joy. It's one of my absolute favorite quotes is we get kind of caught comparing ourselves and keeping up with the Joneses, which is exponentially harder now when we have social media and we see the highlight reel of everyone's life and we never see the problems.

[00:23:21] It really, it can be just psychologically so challenging in this day and age. With the clients that you have, do you feel like the high achieving woman is typically operating from a traumatic childhood or something that she perceived as traumatic and that's what's driving her to be so high achieving? Yeah. So are there very many operating from their authentic self, as you would call it, at least initially?

[00:23:46] I can't really, I can't really answer that across the board, but I think that there's a really neat connection between my speaking platform, no one's shiny new toy and recognizing how developmental trauma kind of affects how we show up in the world and societal expectations.

[00:24:02] But my profession as a social worker and as an elder care consultant, I see this very prominently that caregiving responsibilities for aging parents, for example, often tend to fall to the eldest daughter, right? Right. The daughter who probably carried most things in the household just because of her age and her place in the home.

[00:24:23] But I also find that there are a lot of these women who have been voluntarily put into this position of carrying the decision making and the medication and management and everything for parents that maybe didn't fully meet their needs as children. So there's this really interesting cycle right now of the generation that's aging and the generation that's caregiving that there are definitely some deficits that we're noticing.

[00:24:51] And unfortunately, there's a societal expectation that women specifically step up to take care of their parents when they're in their time of need. And no one's asking the question of what was your childhood like? Did these parents take care of you that now we're expecting you to turn around and manage all of their needs while you're still working full time and possibly raising your children?

[00:25:14] So it's a very interesting dynamic that I find in a lot of my clients that I'm advocating for that our seniors, our elders are not always entitled to what society expects because they're looking at them from this lens of having an idyllic childhood.

[00:25:34] So I'm having to remind even and educate professionals in the senior services industry that we need to be using a trauma-informed lens because if we had a parent who is now aging and they never prioritize the needs of their children developmentally,

[00:25:50] how can we expect the children of those parents to step up and sacrifice so much of their lives when maybe they've worked really hard to identify some of these things that we've talked about and maybe they've set healthy boundaries for themselves. And now we're going to ask them to completely obliterate them because their parents had a major medical emergency and now we need them to step back in.

[00:26:13] So as a social worker and an advocate, that is a major part of the population that I focus on advocating for women who don't want to be thrust into that role of caregiving and sacrificing for parents who did not provide that same level of support that they needed as children. Right. I see it both ways because I also see it from the aspect that at the end of the day, when everything's said and done, you've got to be able to live with your choices too.

[00:26:39] And even if a parent wasn't fully there for you, are you able to live with whatever the aftermath is if you're not fully there for them? And that's a huge, I can see where it's a huge fork in the road, so to speak, where you, yeah, I can see it both ways. Yeah. And that's what I love about what I do is I help people navigate that fork in the road, right? And I help them be comfortable with whatever decision they choose.

[00:27:08] Right. And a lot of people will choose. They want what's best for their parent, even if they weren't the best parent, but maybe they don't want to be the one holding that responsibility. And then that's where that's usually why I'm involved to help them carry that responsibility and help maintain their boundaries as appropriately as possible. Right. And that's the other thing I was going to add is maybe they don't have to be hands-on, but they could still make sure that the parent's getting the proper care.

[00:27:34] So, yeah, it's just so hard because there's, there aren't a lot of people that exist that do what I do that kind of can provide that intermediary. And with this new aging population, I just hope that there are more people who position themselves, that they can provide that support to, to seniors and to their families so that everyone's emotional health is being considered.

[00:27:56] So how much of all of this do you feel like that we, we think sacrifice sacrificing on our behalf is showing love or caring or something for these other people? Do you think that that's part of why we operate the way we do that if we're making a sacrifice that we're giving somehow to them?

[00:28:17] I think that you can look at it two different ways. If we're looking at a healthy relationship and you see is there's sacrifices that you're making, you're giving back for the care and the nurturance that you got your entire life. Then I think that's an even exchange. If we're looking at the other option, though, where people are sacrificing because that's just what they've been expected to do their whole lives and to like kind of mitigate their wants and their needs and their emotional well-being.

[00:28:46] Then that's a little bit more problematic. So I think it can come from either kind of perspective. I heard you mention boundaries, too. I mean, because again, with boundaries, there's kind of a built in guilt factor, isn't there? That if I set up boundaries and I feel guilty because I set up the boundaries.

[00:29:04] Yeah. So boundaries are very interesting because as just human beings, we are conditioned to prioritize being liked and being helpful and to be accommodating and to be emotionally available. So when we set boundaries, it feels uncomfortable and it feels unsafe because we feel like we're disappointing whoever we've set that boundary with. Right. And that disappointment threatens our relationship, our connection, our acceptance, our emotional security in that relationship.

[00:29:34] And you mentioned the guilt. It comes from our like kind of conditioned sense of loyalty. And it's just so important as a society that we remember that boundaries, people who put boundaries in place, they're not intended to punish the other party. Usually when people put boundaries in place, it's because they've tried every avenue they can. And this is the only avenue that they know now how to protect themselves.

[00:29:59] And boundaries are really strong because they are a sign of self-respect and they're helping just clarify expectations. And I think we also kind of look at when we feel guilty. Sometimes it makes us feel like we're automatically doing something wrong. And guilt doesn't always have to be because you're doing something wrong. Sometimes it's just the discomfort of prioritizing our own needs. And that's why it's so uncomfortable because it's not what we've done.

[00:30:28] That's it's not what we've been conditioned to do our entire lives, especially in these scenarios where we might have had some developmental trauma as children. And we've been prioritizing the emotional needs of others. You bring up another point, too. And I think a lot of it is societal conditioning. Right. We're taught from a very young age that if you're focused on yourself, you're selfish, you're this, you're that. And there's a whole lot of dynamics in all of this, it seems like. Yeah.

[00:30:58] And that's why everyone is so burnt out, though. Everyone is so burnt out. And it's constantly because we are performing to feel worthy of others. And it's a lot of emotional labor. It's a lot of mental labor. It's a lot of decision fatigue and all of the social expectations, like you mentioned. And just people constantly having access to us. We never get the chance to rest.

[00:31:23] And a lot of all of what we've talked about really goes back to when we are constantly on feeling like we're on stage and we're performing for people. It leads to a lot of like nervous system dysregulation. And our bodies don't know how to rest. They don't know how to be calm. And when we do try to rest, that's where that guilt kicks in because we feel like we're being lazy. And it's just, it's constantly living in that survival mode.

[00:31:51] And it's just really unfortunate because we can, we need to allow our bodies to rest. And if we don't, our body is going to eventually force itself to rest. And that's why we're seeing so much just again, burnout amongst women just because of these prolonged states of stress. Yeah. I work in a mechanical field and we always talk about if you don't take the machine down and do the proper maintenance on it, it will take itself down at some point. And your body's the same way.

[00:32:19] If you don't allow it rest, it will take you down and get the rest it needs eventually. I mean, and I think it's a odd dynamic too, is that a lot of us, I know myself, I had to learn the hard way that I function mentally very well under stress. And I thought that was a win, right? I thought that was a bonus. Wow, I can do it. I can. But then you realize that even though the brain seems to be functioning well under stress, the body is not.

[00:32:49] And until you pay attention or it makes you pay attention, I don't think we all realize that. Yeah. That you might think you're handling it well, but your body's like, uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So do you see a lot of that where women are struggling with health because of all of these different dynamics? Well, absolutely.

[00:33:08] I listened to a podcast a couple weeks ago and they attributed like autoimmune issues, the rise of autoimmune issues in women to all the stress that we carry. I mentioned the eating disorder piece earlier, but also like addictions issues, the ADHD. It's just, it's so interesting how our body adapts to our environments and to the stress level that we force it to live under until our bodies can't live under that stress any longer.

[00:33:38] And that's why we see, again, the upticks of autoimmune disorders. And it's because of our lifestyles, quite honestly, the food that we eat, all of the technology that we take in. It's just, it's really, it's a shame that people are pushing themselves to the point of burnout and really kind of missing out on enjoying an authentic life.

[00:33:58] I view burnout similar as to the stress that I don't think a lot of women realize that they're nearing the edge of burnout until it just hits. And all of a sudden you're like, wow, what just happened? And at least for me, that's kind of how I feel. Like I didn't realize I was nearing the edge. And then all of a sudden it's like, man, I am just over it. How do you teach yourself for the women that haven't hit that?

[00:34:26] How do they teach themselves to recognize what's happening before it happens, before you're already there? I think it takes a lot of self-assessment to just kind of see what are you carrying? Who are you carrying it for? And prioritizing that. And if there is any moment where you aren't taking care of your body, you're not eating well, sleeping well, hydrating enough, taking the time to move your body, you're on the brink of it.

[00:34:51] And it's really so challenging though, because as women, we always prioritize our needs last. Like self-care is such an important thing. And I know it's at the bottom of my list usually because I'm working or I'm taking care of my kids. And you have to schedule it. You really have to take the time to schedule it in your day. And every Friday I do for my business what I call a moment of care.

[00:35:16] And self-care doesn't have to be big and flashy and expensive and weekends away. Sometimes it's as simple as five minutes outside feeling the sun on your face. Or it's 15 minutes reading a book and putting your technology away. Enjoying just laying in the grass and using all of your senses. And just taking those moments for self-care.

[00:35:40] That's what I've been really focusing on this last year of my journey has changed my outlook just incredibly. And we still have those moments where we're going to feel overwhelmed and burned out. But if we can take the time to just appreciate what we do have, it can go so long towards just your overall mental and physical health. Yeah, I can see that. Just all the dynamics are very interesting to me.

[00:36:05] Like there has to be a way to find a balance before you hit that brick wall. And like I said, I think busyness is a societal thing. We're expected to be busy. We're not expected to have a lot of downtime. At least that's what it feels like. And so that makes your work just one aspect. Like I feel work is chaotic. And then I come home and you've got kid things, parent things. To your point, you've got some people have grandkids. There's just so much.

[00:36:35] And then to schedule downtime, to schedule self-time is great. But you have to somehow promise yourself and honor that time, right? And not give it away to someone else. And I'm afraid that that's what I would schedule it. And then as soon as somebody else says, I need, there goes that time. So, and I'm sure that's part of boundaries. It is. It's absolutely part of boundaries because if you keep doing that, you're the one that's going to end up suffering in the end.

[00:37:04] And if we keep negating our own needs, we can't be the best person for anybody else that we want to be helpful for. Yeah. And I can see that logically, but then there's the whole emotional piece of it that makes it so much harder because that's where the guilt comes in and everything else. Because you feel like they need, and I'm just doing this to just to relax a minute. And so it's just hard. I can see trying to find the balance and then maintain the balance is probably even harder.

[00:37:34] It is because we are, we're creatures of habit, you know? So even if we're doing well for a little while of scheduling our self-care and it's going well and we're feeling a little bit better, the second somebody needs us, we're probably going to go back into those survival techniques, right? Right. Have you ever seen the visual of how generational trauma is described? Have you ever seen that? It's usually, okay, so imagine a couple generations of women. The oldest generation is carrying this big heavy rock, right?

[00:38:02] And maybe that represents war and famine in the old country and mental health issues that they've carried because of that. And then they hand the rock to the next generation. And then that generation hands it to, say, my generation. And what we're seeing a lot is that my generation, this current group that's raising kids, we are trying our best to take this rock that's been handed to us, this generational trauma, this burden.

[00:38:29] And we are trying to put it down because we don't want to pass that rock onto our children, right? Right. So we're doing everything we can to break cycles and to be different so that they don't deal with the same level of gifts that we're struggling with. And it's so interesting that in this visual that I see pretty often is in the last generation, instead of the rock, they are crowning their children with like a crown of roses or something. Because it's to identify that we're not going to pass this burden onto them.

[00:38:57] But once you've picked up the rock, you know what that weight feels like, right? So even if you make every effort to keep putting that down, the second somebody needs you, it's like picking that heavy rock back up. Because once you've put it down, it doesn't weigh so much now. So it's okay. But you have to recognize every time you pick that rock back up, you're running the risk of passing it on to the next generation.

[00:39:19] And that's where the awareness that once you realize you're acting out of these survival adaptations, if you don't want to pass them on to the next generation, you have to keep putting the rock down. And that means prioritizing yourself and finding your worth inherently internally as opposed to looking for it externally.

[00:39:41] And that's whenever I feel myself picking that proverbial rock back up, that's how I remind myself I do not want to pass that to my children. So if I am operating from those old survival techniques, the rock needs to go back down. No matter how light it feels now that I've put it down for a few days or a few moments, I have to remind myself I don't want to pick it back up. Because every time I do, I run the risk of passing it to my children. And that's how we create a better world.

[00:40:09] And that's how we create a legacy by not passing those heavy burdens and those expectations on to them. Yeah, that's beautiful. And I was thinking as you were talking too, that where I said, well, you give the time up because of guilt. But I think it just clicked in my mind that the guilt is coming from the lack of self-worth, right? You don't feel like you're worthy to have the time. So you give it away, which I hadn't really connected those dots till just now. I was like, wow. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:40:38] And once you have the awareness of it, it can help you make decisions that support that awareness, right? So until you don't realize that overextending and helping everyone else to your own detriment and self-abandoning your own needs, it doesn't feel as good anymore when you realize what you're giving up to help somebody else. Right. So it feels a lot better when you realize how worthy you are of that downtime and that relaxation.

[00:41:03] So you can re-energize yourself and the help then you give other people at your own discretion is higher quality because it's more genuine because you aren't coming from a place of an empty glass. Very true. And I wanted to ask you, what kind of importance would you put on purpose? And do you feel like we find our purpose or do we build our purpose? What take do you have on that? Hmm.

[00:41:32] I am a very big believer in that everything happens for a reason. So I feel like our purpose is out there and we just have to figure it out. Okay. I think that everything that we experience in life, all of our hardships, all of the positives, all of the achievements are there so that we can find out what gives us purpose.

[00:41:53] And I think that at some degree, everyone's purpose should be to make the world a better place, whether that's at a small scale or whether that's at a larger scale. I think it's just out there for us to find and to experience through all of our trials and tribulations and all of the amazing things that we're blessed with. Yeah. I just saying, again, I think purpose is hard because I feel like we're kind of have a purpose that we have to find as well.

[00:42:21] But even though you can see all the different needs and we've all been through a lot of different things, it's still hard to plug into what's my part of this. How would you recommend that somebody start trying to find that? I mean, what do you know of any good ways to try to plug in? I think for me, at least, all of my different careers felt very disjointed and I kind of felt like I was directionless.

[00:42:47] And it wasn't until I stopped and kind of assessed what my life looked like, what my accomplishments were, what my strengths were, that I then could create something that really does give me purpose on a daily basis. So I think we can find our purpose in the quiet moments, but we have to take those moments to rest and listen for them. Because if we keep going at 110%, we're never going to find our purpose because we don't give ourselves the opportunity.

[00:43:16] I think sometimes purpose can be, can change depending on the stage you are at your life. And I think it's always just a matter of finding your happiness and there you'll find purpose in it. If you can be happy with what you're doing on a daily basis and what you are giving back to the world, you'll find purpose in that and be a blessing to whoever you're engaging with. Yeah. So based on what you just said, had that woman not called you the boss's shiny new toy?

[00:43:43] I mean, that totally shifted the whole direction of your life. It sounds like in that moment when you got to think about it. Yeah, it changed. Yeah, it changed the trajectory of my life because I was content where I was. Right. I was content kind of ignoring the passive aggressiveness in the background and the toxicity because the mission of the agency. It was aligned, right? The client centered mission that aligned with what I wanted to do.

[00:44:12] I was finding purpose in that, but the misalignment came kind of in the background. And when in business and in life, when you have certain expectations of how you'll treat your customers and those expectations don't extend to how you expect your team to treat one another. That is, that's really, that was problematic for me, but it was comfortable.

[00:44:34] So if I hadn't come to this realization that I didn't need to tolerate that, that treatment any longer, I probably would still be there because it was comfortable. And for someone who's had developmental trauma, the status quo of being fine is good because it means you're not having to worry about the chaos of uncertainty. And that's, I think, a lot of reason why people stay in toxic work environments.

[00:45:00] It's why they stay in unhealthy relationships because the fear of the unknown is sometimes more fearful than what you've been experiencing for years. Oh, I agree with that a hundred percent. I think even if it's not great, you know what to expect and you know you can, even if you're not handling it well, you know you can handle it. And not knowing what's out there is a whole different kind of scary ballgame. So did you second guess yourself at first?

[00:45:27] I mean, even though you knew you were passionate about, I can't tolerate this anymore. Those first few months that you left that company, did you second guess or were you dead on that? I know I'm doing the right thing, whatever it looks like.

[00:45:44] I think that it's a little bit of both because I think you always in these situations where you have these experiences that were negative and you know that you advocated for yourself the best that you could and that you feel like the situation kind of took away your voice and your chance to express yourself. I think that's always what's been hard for me as a social worker and as an advocate.

[00:46:08] When someone can't listen to reason, that's kind of what I cycle back to as far as was this the right situation? Should I have just not said anything? And then you kind of second guess yourself and your perception of what happened. And I think that's a big part of some of the trauma when you're just trying to think from other people's perspectives, like how could that outcome have been different? And you realize that everyone has autonomy, so you don't have control over that.

[00:46:36] And that's the biggest piece of recognizing is you don't have control over other people's actions or reactions. In the long run, though, like I said, I was a believer that everything happens for a reason. And I knew what I've always known that that was not a forever career for me. The math piece alone, I wasn't helping people in the way I wanted to help people, right? Right.

[00:46:59] So I could have tricked myself because of comfortability, because of a perceived success of the achievement. But I think in the long run, I always knew that I couldn't be happy doing something that I wasn't passionate about. But I also couldn't be happy trying to fix a toxic environment that had problems that I didn't create.

[00:47:20] I think that was the other piece of it is that it's really hard to try to go back and fix something when there's disinterest in recognizing the problems. So for me, it was a lot easier to start fresh and start with my expectations and my standards and build from there. Do you think if she hadn't said that, that it would have just prolonged your stay a little bit then? Do you think something would have still triggered you to exit?

[00:47:50] Or do you think you would still be there? I think I would probably still be there, quite honestly, because it was comfortable, because I was getting a lot of that external validation on a daily basis. And it was absolutely the impetus that changed how I saw everything for how it was happening there. So I definitely think I probably would have still been there if I hadn't had to come to terms with what I was and was not willing to tolerate.

[00:48:17] So have you turned your experience into like a TED Talk yet? Because I think it would be an excellent subject for a TED Talk. It's a long term goal right now. My primary goal has been launching my business. My elder care collaborative, helping seniors and their families navigate the complexities of aging. That's been my focus right now. And the speaking platform, No One's Shiny New Toy, it is a work in progress. It's been a healing journey for me. And I'm so appreciative of it.

[00:48:47] And that's why I kind of launched it simultaneously, because I think it's just such a powerful story. And if I can help any woman kind of recognize that they're tolerating something that they shouldn't be tolerating and advocating for themselves, then that's a success for me. So it's eventually down the line. I'm juggling a lot right now. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. But it's been so fun and so rewarding.

[00:49:13] I've heard a lot of people say that on their journeys into creating their business or whatever it happens to be, whatever their passion is, that it's actually healing them even more so along the way. So that's pretty awesome. You can heal along with the people. Yeah, it's been really great. Yeah. Because I never again, I think I said in the beginning, being an entrepreneur was never my goal, my expectation. It really was something that came out of necessity.

[00:49:40] And when we talk about like struggling to find yourself worth, I'm a solo entrepreneur right now. So I have to find it within myself. Like I don't have external validation from a boss or coworkers. So every day I have to work to my capacity so that I'm proud of myself. And I'm okay with that because I have high expectations.

[00:50:02] It's a little bit, it's actually part of one of the survival mechanisms, being hypercritical and hypervigilant and hyperaware, but it served me well. So it's a survival adaptation that I'm going to keep as part of my personality, because if I hadn't experienced what I experienced, I wouldn't have achieved what I have, what I have achieved. And I'm okay with that.

[00:50:24] So I'm grateful for everything that I've been through my life and personally and career wise to have me be where I am today. That's awesome. And I, like I was saying before, I think a lot of high achievers have come from some kind of trauma and some of that adaptation, like you said, is very beneficial. I think it's finding the balance of how much of this can I keep, but what do I need to let go? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah.

[00:50:53] So is there anything you would like to tell us about your business or anything along that line before we wrap up today? So for elder care collaborative, I think it's just, it's important to realize that there is going to be a lot of people who are aging and they, the people aging and their family members need support. And it's out there if you can find it and you don't though have to abandon yourself in that journey.

[00:51:20] So I think that's what's most important for me to just kind of focus on for especially women out there. And it's really hard that sometimes we have to remember that we have to let ourselves have all these feelings because if we don't have these feelings, we can't heal from them. And sometimes feeling is in itself just hard and part of the journey. So if we can't feel it, we can't heal it. And I think just having that awareness is just so important.

[00:51:50] And the motto of elder care collaborative is that everyone deserves a moment of care, right? Right. And you need to give it to yourself. But if you're not able to give it to yourself, that's what I do for my clients. I make sure that they give themselves a moment of care. That's awesome.

[00:52:08] And I think to your point that some of the busyness that we have in our lives is, I'm just seeing it more so lately, but I think it's so that we don't have to feel, we don't have to think about those uncomfortable things because we're too busy, right? Yeah. At least that's what we tell ourselves. Yeah. We're avoiding it. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, it's very interesting how it's all interconnected and yeah. Well, I thank you for joining us today. Is there anything we haven't talked about that you want to make sure the listeners hear?

[00:52:39] No, I think that this was wonderful and there is just so much beauty in our messy, messy world. And I love the concept of your podcast and I just appreciate being a guest with you. Well, we appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us today. It's been fascinating. There's so many facets to all of this. It's just amazing. It's just amazing. And I'm so glad that your business has taken off and everything's going well. And it's a much needed voice for people.

[00:53:05] I think that a lot of us didn't even until I met you, I didn't even realize, like you said, that there are advocates to help in the in-between. So, it's awesome that you're filling in. So, it's awesome that you're filling in that gap. Well, thank you very much. How can people connect to you before we go? Yeah. So, I am on Facebook, Elder Care Collaborative. I also have a website, eldercarecollaborativepa.care. It's been a long Monday. I understand.

[00:53:35] Eldercarecollaborativepa.care. I tried to give my website and my email all at the same time. That's why that wasn't working. But I'm out there. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. I have enjoyed it. It's been fascinating. And I appreciate all your wisdom. So, thank you. You're welcome. All right. Have a great evening. You too. Thank you. Bye. Bye-bye. As we wrap up this episode, one thing that really stayed with me from my conversation with

[00:54:01] Jessica is that so many of the behaviors we think are simply part of our personality may actually be survival strategies that we've carried with us for years. While those strategies may have helped us through difficult seasons, they don't have to define the rest of our lives. I hope this conversation encourages you to extend yourself a little more grace, examine the patterns that may no longer be serving you, and remember that your worth has never been something that you had to earn.

[00:54:26] Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves and for the generations that follow is to finally put down the burdens that we've been carrying for far too long. If you'd like to learn more about Jessica, connect with her, or explore Elder Care Collaborative or No One's Shiny New Toy, you'll find all of her information in today's show notes. If this episode encouraged you, would you take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who could use a little hope today.

[00:54:53] Every share helps me reach someone who may need a reminder that healing is possible, boundaries are healthy, and your value has never depended on how much you accomplish or how much you carry. Until next time, remember, even in the middle of life's greatest struggles, there is still beauty to be found in the mess. As always, I hope this episode helps at least one person. And with that, I hope you have a blessed week, my friend. Thank you for listening to The Beauty and the Mess.

[00:55:23] If you enjoyed what you heard, please share it with a friend. And if you haven't already, please subscribe, rate, and review this podcast on your favorite pod player. If you have any questions or comments, any topic ideas you would like to hear about, or you think you would be a great guest on the show, you can reach me directly at thebeautyandthemess.com. Thanks for listening. The Beauty and the Mess. The Beauty and the Mess. Bye. Bye.